We Don’t Talk About Such Things

When I was a little guy, I said things that were clearly inappropriate. No, really I did! I’m sure you’re thinking that would be so unlikely considering the erudite repartée that we share during our times together here on-line…but it’s true. After all, that’s what little boys do! Once I became a parent, I got to be on the receiving end of the oft ill-timed inappropriate comments and the resulting opprobrium from other parents who were clearly more qualified than I to raise a child (they were on the distribution list for the unabridged instruction manual)! And the questions – oh the questions! – I got to answer every last one of them with every bit of deference and occasional discretion due. While I tried to be matter of fact about answering even the most embarrassing questions, I did get some good laughs out of those Q & A sessions. Even through the innocence, there have typically been questions we’ve sidestepped rather conveniently because they are uncomfortable to answer or perhaps socially awkward – we just don’t know the right way to answer.

When I graduated from Annapolis, I had been schooled in more than just the naval trade. My idealistic young classmates and I were put into the classic leadership laboratory that is active duty which turned workaday situations and opportunity into the coveted ‘soft skills,’ and we as newly-minted naval officers learned how to handle those awkward situations, even if we still didn’t know the actual answers to the question. We learned how to be refined, genteel, and downright tactful…and the secret hopscotch maneuver to sidestep the question when we didn’t know! Granted, that experience comes with age to some extent, but in retrospect I see that tact and diplomacy have a way of deferring a solution rather than simply preserving a tenuous peace. Politicians seem to have figured that one out pretty artfully, but some of us aren’t buying. Another topic for another time!

It wasn’t that long ago that there were many things we sidestepped for a number of reasons.  Some of those reasons had to do with simple ignorance, others were to keep the peace within a family or workplace. Polite society has always dictated to a great degree how we handle certain subjects and for some subjects, they’re simply in that category of “We don’t talk about such things!” That’s the answer to the question: we don’t talk about it. But that doesn’t solve the problem. It just shoves it under the rug like a bunch of rubbish for the next person to find when cleaning up.

But we have to be able to talk about things. Specifically, we need to be able to talk about the tough topics without fear of a negative reaction, without fear of reprisal, and without fear of misunderstanding. Suffice it to say, I’m referring to the tough discussions surrounding cancer.  I’ve been around people who won’t even say the word, “cancer” as if not saying it makes it any less real, any less deadly. Talking about it doesn’t conjure it into existence.  It just calls it for what it is rather than talking around the issue, using euphemisms or slang. I’ve seen some people who whisper the word or just call it the “Big C,” but in calling it out and naming it robs it of its power over us and in a very real way, causes us to face cancer head on and to fight it. The last place I want to see cancer is in my obituary, so I’m going to fight it while I have breath in me and I hope you fight it with every breath in you, even if you’re not directly affected by it.

After all, Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition and nobody expects cancer will happen to them, but trust me, cancer happens to anyone and I hope we can find a way to laugh at it and through it by calling it for what it is.

Calling cancer for what it is, is also how research gets funding and patients who can’t or don’t know how to stand up for themselves gain advocates. I dare say that if some stranger walked into your house and threatened to injure a loved one, you wouldn’t turn your head away and ignore the situation.  Any sane person would stand up against the unwelcome intruder and do whatever it took to protect everyone in the household. We shouldn’t view cancer or any serious or chronic illness as anything less.  It is an unwelcome intruder that seeks to kill and terrorize and we need to call it out.

It wasn’t that long ago that when someone got seriously ill, people just didn’t talk about it.  Sure, part of that had to do with the medical technology of the time and we sent people with complicated chronic conditions that had to do with mental health or tuberculosis to special facilities away from the rest of polite society.  And that’s really troubling that so many people were essentially put away because we just didn’t know what to do. What’s more troubling in my eyes is that doctors intentionally withheld information from families about patients that were terminally ill. Quite often, the thought process had to do with the doctor thinking that it would just upset the family.

We all die, but knowing it’s coming so that arrangements can be made to square away finances, legal matters, and other details. And aside from personal loose ends and good-byes, palliative care for the inevitable passing is a crucial element.  We can’t just ignore that because we don’t feel comfortable in making those decisions or talking about it. Going through those things is, in a very real way, one of the kindest things one can do for survivors. Doctors owe it to put the facts before the family and the patient and let people make informed, intelligent decisions. And as for those of us who aren’t going anywhere any time soon, we need to know what we can do to fight our battles to win.

Yeah, I have cancer. Don’t feel sorry for me. Fight for me, fight with me, laugh with me.

Today's music is from Owl City - Shooting Star

Close your tired eyes
Relax and then
Count from one to ten  and open them
All these heavy thoughts will try to weigh you down
But not this time
Way up in the air
You're finally free
And you can stay up there
Right next to me
All this gravity will try to pull you down,
But not this time

When the sun goes down and the lights burn out
Then it's time for you to shine
Brighter than a shooting star
So shine no matter where you are
Fill the darkest night with a brilliant light
'Cause its time for you to shine
Brighter than a shooting star
So shine no matter where you are... tonight
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa
Brighter than a shooting star
Shine no matter where you are... tonight

Gaze into my eyes when the fire starts
And fan the flame so hot it melts our hearts
Oh, the pouring rain will try to put it out,
But not this time
Let your colors burn and brightly burst
Into a million sparks that all disperse
And illuminate a world that will try to bring you down, but not this time

When the sun goes down and the lights burn out
Then it's time for you to shine
Brighter than a shooting star
So shine no matter where you are
Fill the darkest night with a brilliant light
'Cause its time for you to shine
Brighter than a shooting star
So shine no matter where you are... tonight
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa
Brighter than a shooting star
Shine no matter where you are... tonight

A thousand heartbeats beat in time
And makes this dark planet come alive
So when the lights flicker out tonight
You gotta shine

When the sun goes down and the lights burn out
Then it's time for you to shine
Brighter than a shooting star
So shine no matter where you are
Fill the darkest night with a brilliant light
'Cause it’s time for you to shine
Brighter than a shooting star
So shine no matter where you are... tonight

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa
Brighter than a shooting star
Shine no matter where you are... tonight

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

I have been pretty vocal about my role in my own healing process. The more I experience and the more I read of other’s experiences, I become progressively more convinced that this is true. I don’t think it’s rocket science to grasp that some stress is good to get us to move outside of our comfort zones and toward something positive; too much stress, of course, produces some definite negative consequences. In my case, I got high blood pressure, acid reflux, and I was just plain unhappy. I’m beginning to wonder that as a result of the years I was in such an unhappy place, the leukemia I’m experiencing now was my body’s ultimate rebellion or outright surrender. There is certainly some conjecture about that, of course, but again, I can't help but wonder.  I came across this as I was reading this morning:

Increasingly, in the medical press, articles are being published about the high cost of the negative emotions.  Cancer, in particular, has been connected to intensive states of grief or anger or fear. It makes little sense to suppose that emotions exact only penalties and confer no benefits … creativity, the will to live, hope, faith, and love have biochemical significance and contribute strongly to healing and to well-being.  The positive emotions are life-giving experiences.
          - Norman Cousins, Anatomy of an Illness

Since moving home to Utah, working at a job I really enjoy and where I am appreciated, being around family, living in a place where I’m more acclimated, I’ve found myself much happier and aside from the obvious, healthier.  I haven’t required high blood pressure medication and haven’t experienced the chronic acid reflux that has plagued me for many years. My response to the chemotherapy has been  very good and from everything I’ve been told, my prognosis is also optimistic. In short, I have a positive outlook and I have much to be grateful for, things I’ve also been pretty vocal about. But it does bear repeating.

And it bears repeating for all of us, seriously. While there are some who look forward to another incarnation and others who hope in an afterlife, the fact of the matter is that this life we’re living here and now is the only one we can truly be certain. No one, to the best of my knowledge, has come back with a slide show of the hereafter! The point being is simply that living a life, a full life, now is not just a part of the fabled “American Dream,” but rather something we need to pursue. It’s part of our physical as well as mental health. It's even constitutional!

Being around people that build you up rather than sucking the life out of you, finding the vocation that fulfills you rather than bleeding your soul, and participating in activities that make you feel complete are things that are imperative, not just things we should tick off on a bucket list. They have to be part of our daily lives. True, we all have circumstances that may prevent us from making immediate changes, but if you’ve surrendered to an existence of habit and becoming comfortably numb on the weekends to deaden the dread of the workaday week, what kind of life is that? I’ve written before that “normal” should never be the goal, but rather you have to redefine normal to be exciting and revitalizing. You can do that, right? And again, don’t wait until you’re lying flat on your back and unable to make the changes in your life necessary to be happy. Do it today!

A good friend of mine owns a number of day spas in the TwinCities. Her attitude toward business has made her not only a successful businesswoman, it has made her an absolute delight to be around.  Suffice it to say, the attitude and success are inextricably entwined.  Her corporatecreed is, “…knowing that right thoughts and right efforts ultimately bringabout the right results.” It’s that kind of attitude I have adopted personally and if I’m ever even a fraction as successful as she is, I’ll be very well off.

But her success isn’t surprising at all considering her corporate credo and neither is the accelerated healing because of a personal attitude that mirrors that positive outlook. It’s the kind of thinking that any of us can adopt for any reason for any occasion in spite of any negative circumstance. Sure, there’s reality and I’m not some Pollyanna and I have no desire to be a martyr, but neither will I be a prisoner to negativity…and I hope you won’t either.

I had a good conversation with a guy named Dennis today. At the suggestion of the hospital social worker, he stopped by during my first round of chemo to fill me in on some of his experiences when he was in Seattle for his bone marrow transplant a few years back. He stopped in for purely social reasons today and it was good to see that he’s doing well and thriving and maintaining that edge of attitude that keeps us both smiling. Even though he's in his 60s, he typically wears a t-shirt that brings a grin.  It gives me all the more hope that not only will I be OK, I will thrive when I’m through my treatment. I recognize, too, that the road ahead of me is not going to be an easy one. In fact, it’ll be damned hard and involve a lot of discomfort and sickness, the likes of which I’ve never seen and wouldn’t wish on anyone, but it’s a road I can walk and complete. It’s also one that I will be able to help someone else down at some point, someone who will need a bit of help to take the next step.

As always, I thank you all for helping me take the next step and be positive throughout this rather long and tedious journey. As the button my friends and high school classmates, Jeff & Jane gave me on my table in front of me says, “No one fights alone.” I believe that!

Now, for something completely different. Fair warning, if you’re at all sensitive to religious sensibilities, you may not want to click on the video.  Monty Python’s Life of Brian is a parody and not for everyone. I don’t want to offend, but the words to the song, Always Look on the Bright Side of Life are what I’m smiling at today. I’m a die-hard Python fan…so with that disclaimer, I offer my deepest admiration and genuine gratitude to all of you who walk along with me...and if you enjoy Monty Python, sing it with me!

Be well, stay strong, and of course, much love to you all! J