tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19358637967789605162024-03-21T19:10:50.762-06:00OMT! [Oh...My...Todd!] The Leukemia ChroniclesOMG...uh...OMT! Observations, Manic Kvetching, Truthiness! This is my unplanned journey into the world of leukemia. It's real, often raw, but I try to maintain a tongue in-cheek attitude. My aim is to offer some insight, hope and a little chuckle.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.comBlogger113125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-81288518192513746332013-12-15T21:20:00.000-07:002013-12-15T21:20:50.273-07:00Epilogue
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">At the end of the book, the epilogue neatly ties all the
loose ends together. Boy gets girl, the bad guy gets his overdue comeuppance,
and justice is meted out to bring a satisfying end. If the story is good and
the author skilled, there’s a bit of a chuckle in there as well and everyone
lives happily ever after.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This story was supposed to continue. Of all things to have
happen, this wasn’t supposed to be the arc in my plot. In fact, I actually beat
leukemia. I did not, however foresee an issue with my lungs of all things. No
one did. My rapid decline went from bad to worse yesterday and I was admitted
back to the VA Hospital in Seattle and I am now in a holding<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>pattern of sorts while family fly in from the
four corners of our very large country. My time is at hand.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s a pretty tough pill to swallow to have a doctor tell
you that you have “months.” You wrap your head around the reality over time,
but I didn’t even have a week. That doesn’t really give me any time at all to
do anything that would settle final affairs. No, this epilogue is hardly an
elegant one. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Here’s how it was supposed to play out:</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The doctors knew I didn’t want to pass from this side of the
veil to the next in a hospital, so plans were in the works for me to fly back
to Salt Lake City on Wednesday. I would continue the same exact treatment that
I was receiving here in Seattle and we would plan out end-of-life care to be
around loved ones at home when the time came. We were also looking to cross off
one final bucket list entry by going to Hawaii. My SkyMiles account was ripe
for the pickings and I had loads of Marriott points as well. The amount of time
seemed conducive to get my affairs in order as well and my son graciously
offered to, well, insisted staying on as my caregiver. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But yesterday, that all changed and now we are staving off
the inevitable while my family wings its way toward me.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, what does one think about as death approaches? Well, I’m
a bit disappointed sure; there’s a little trepidation about what’s on the other
side; and let’s face it, the actual process of dying isn’t a walk in the park.
I really don’t like the progressive weakness. We’ll be looking at palliative
measures here in the next few hours, so my epilogue here really isn’t much of a
hero-rides-off-into-the-sunset page turner, but who knows? Maybe you’ll see it
that way!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Most authors also include an Acknowledgement Page for
everyone who helped in the writing of the book. Since this is a lifetime, I can’t
do that here for obvious reasons. I do want to simply say that it has been one
helluva ride and I’m grateful for a life that has been so rich and full of
adventure. For whatever parts you have played it, thank you.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I spoke with a dear friend today who asked me to elicit a
promise. I’d say to that person and to you all the same words of Zach Sobiek: “Don’t
wait to find out you’re dying to start living.” You can honor my memory that
way.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">No music selection today. Pick the tune that just makes you
happiest and enjoy.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">With all my love and respect</span><br />
<br />
Todd Park -December 15, 2013Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-50815474591946294872013-12-11T20:58:00.000-07:002013-12-11T21:02:34.463-07:00No Easy Way to Say This<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">As a young junior naval officer, I had someone who was a
mentor of sorts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bob Owendoff was one of
my professors my senior year at the Naval Academy, a devout man of principle
and heart.<a href="http://oh-my-todd.blogspot.com/2013/11/thirty-years-ago-this-week-i-raised-my.html" target="_blank"> I wrote about him on my other blog here.</a> He gave me a book that had a simple goal-setting exercise that has stood
me well in parsing out the important from the urgent. In Alan Lakein’s book, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How to Get Control of Your Time and Your
Life</i>, the question is posed, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">If you
knew you would be struck dead by lightning in six months, how would you spend
those six months?</i> Assuming all final arrangements had been taken care of,
what would you do?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Asking a question like that forces your hand to see the
things that are really, really important, doesn’t it? Precious few of us know
when our number comes up. If we’re lucky, we live to a ripe old age and when it’s
our time, we pass away peacefully in our sleep, leaving behind a wonderful
legacy of memories and people who honor it. When that question becomes a
pronouncement, things are a bit different, but they don’t have to be.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve
taken solace in a young man named Zach Sobiech who fought a brave battle with
his own bone cancer who made a point of saying that you don’t have to be dying
to start living. I’ve been buoyed by a single image of people holding the hand
of Jen Merendino who, on her death bed, was able to look back and say, “I loved
it all.”</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioHIbVJ8UgURhiY8TOh_EaXivgsftdAwFp8piEGoBSu4SaamKDUzUy0P4AE1Ed-nfgOeU0VeTnVjyxflkdSWrF2B5L2NfD87A1GhCtGDXkLSN0Y9SL-JDMTUEEWQpED6Q75AdBOetjDtO4/s1600/holding+hands.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioHIbVJ8UgURhiY8TOh_EaXivgsftdAwFp8piEGoBSu4SaamKDUzUy0P4AE1Ed-nfgOeU0VeTnVjyxflkdSWrF2B5L2NfD87A1GhCtGDXkLSN0Y9SL-JDMTUEEWQpED6Q75AdBOetjDtO4/s320/holding+hands.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><em>I found Angelo Merendino's images of his wife evocative and powerful. I bought a variation of the photo above because what I needed the most was the human touch of caring hands. I still do. </em></span><a href="http://mywifesfightwithbreastcancer.com/" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: small;"><em>You can see the full gallery of images and support Angelo at this web site</em></span></a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In my case, I’ve done my level best to stay optimistic and
positive in the midst of some pretty rough stuff. Leukemia, for me, has been an
exercise of academics because it has all been on paper. Lab reports, x-rays,
MRIs, CT scans, nuclear bone scans, vascular and echo ultrasounds, blood sugar
pricks, and so on. Yeah, the hurling into those cute little green tubs was real
enough along with the extensive bruising on my stomach and arms, the cramps,
the chronic fatigue, the aches, the pains, the prodding, and everything
else?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pretty real…nothing academic about
any of that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t have a remarkable story like Zach’s and I don’t have
a chronicle that so eloquently and beautifully details the life and untimely
death of Jen Merendino, but I have my own experience that continues to unfold.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today, the latest wrinkle in that very complicated piece of
origami was that my lungs continue to deteriorate. After my latest pulmonary
function test, another CT scan, and an x-ray, I had the ultimate sobering
conversation with my oncologist and a pulmonary doctor. While we will continue
to treat the ailments in the lungs, unless they respond somehow to the existing
medications, things will continue to decline over time. How much time? No one
can be certain, but “months” was the answer I got when I pressed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, I have this lovely little oxygen cannula and now have my very own high-tech wheel
chair just like my double amputee friend and fellow vet, Isaac.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I gotta tell ya, this is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i>
how I envisioned today turning out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, that goal-setting exercise about six months just got
very real. Sure, there’s a possibility that my body responds and I recover.
Anything’s possible, but it looks like the bucket list needs to be prioritized
and I need to do the proverbial ‘getting my affairs in order.’ </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi7lYkThU2sGUEw-fH1JMmFjP6ceBasaNAVPYiF7UH3Ccs3y-9MHErLmmKt8hsW9VaNkqROICNNqC9WkQ6DLi7GnS8dXn2E2hZAxsSYjaeJvODJaGJ3oij2IOc-mWUDaJZTyDZ0lSFYf0X/s1600/IMG_0460.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi7lYkThU2sGUEw-fH1JMmFjP6ceBasaNAVPYiF7UH3Ccs3y-9MHErLmmKt8hsW9VaNkqROICNNqC9WkQ6DLi7GnS8dXn2E2hZAxsSYjaeJvODJaGJ3oij2IOc-mWUDaJZTyDZ0lSFYf0X/s320/IMG_0460.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">What do you say to that? I just got <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the talk.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">What goes through your mind when it just ground to an abrupt
halt? The averted glances, the sympathetic looks on the faces, the sorrowful
pats on the back, the apologies for…what? Doing your job?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">At this point in time, I’m pretty numb. Suffice it to say, I’ve
shed a few tears today and am still due my requisite meltdowns. I don’t know what I
need or want for that matter. I have made my wishes pretty clear to my medical
team and that if it’s medically impossible to move forward, I want to return to
Salt Lake City and perhaps even take my dream trip to Hawaii before all is said
and done. I have over 100,000 Sky Miles that need to be used, to be sure and
while I won’t be competing in the Ironman while there, one last walk on a warm,
sandy beach just feels like the right thing to do. No one wants to breathe their
last in the sterility of a hospital room if there’s a choice, right?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I had been spending a lot of time daydreaming about that
Craftsman-era home with the wraparound porch sporting a couple of Adirondack
chairs, white picket fence and the impossibly lush Kentucky bluegrass and a
modest flower and maybe even a vegetable garden…in the perfect up-and-coming gentrified neighborhood, of
course! I envisioned designing and building out my workspace where I’d craft
articles, word-smythe (that's my trademark!) the book I said I would all my life, and hand-made calligraphic renderings. There was the proverbial
man-cave with the big screen TV and surround sound of course, but mostly it was
being surrounded by the people who have made life worth living, sharing raucous
memories around the table – great wine and cheese with family and friends!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But you know what? At the end of the day, it’s a life
well-lived. A life with no regrets (or few anyway). My body may be failing,
but my spirit will not, cannot. It seems to me that if anything this time of
year, we hear of these epic stories of the spirit enduring where circumstances
would make success impossible. Rather than feel sorry or pity, you can honor me
by overcoming your own expectations for yourself and soaring above
circumstance, by smiling in the face of whatever adversity you’re working
through, and laughing a lot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I can’t say what would honestly be most helpful from people
right now. Suffice it to say, I’m still mentally processing this news; and like
I say, things could change on a dime. It wouldn’t be the first time it
happened. So, what I can say is this: keep praying if you’re so inclined. Don’t
be offended or put off if I don’t respond to Facebook chat, emails, text
messages, or phone calls right away. This is obviously an emotionally charged
time. I’ve also got a lot of practical things I need to square away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally, and perhaps it goes without saying,
please avoid sympathy. I’m still alive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Support/end-of-life-care" target="_blank">Here’s a little information that may help and prevent awkward situations (if not with me, others):</a> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">While there’s time, let’s do a whole lotta laughing together,
shall we? While there’s time, let’s share the best of memories and meals! While
there’s time, let’s just be together and hold hands cherishing the warmth of
human companionship and love! While there’s time, let’s focus on living.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Stay strong, be well, and much love to you all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today’s music is from Lady Gaga – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Edge of Glory</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"></span></span></i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">There ain't no reason
you and me should be alone<br />
Tonight, yeah baby<br />
Tonight, yeah baby<br />
I got a reason that you're who should take me home tonight<br />
<br />
I need a man that thinks it's right when it's so wrong<br />
Tonight, yeah baby <br />
Tonight, yeah baby <br />
Right on the limits where we know we both belong tonight<br />
<br />
It's hard to feel the rush<br />
To push the dangerous<br />
I'm gonna run right to, to the edge with you<br />
Where we can both fall over in love<br />
<br />
I'm on the edge of glory<br />
And I'm hanging on a moment of truth<br />
Out on the edge of glory<br />
And I'm hanging on a moment with you<br />
I'm on the edge<br />
The edge<br />
The edge<br />
The edge<br />
The edge<br />
The edge<br />
The edge<br />
I'm on the edge of glory<br />
And I'm hanging on a moment with you <br />
I'm on the edge with you<br />
<br />
Another shot before we kiss the other side <br />
Tonight, yeah baby<br />
Tonight, yeah baby<br />
I'm on the edge of something final we call life tonight<br />
Alright, alright<br />
<br />
Put on your shades 'cause I'll be dancing in the flames<br />
Tonight, yeah baby<br />
Tonight, yeah baby<br />
It isn't hell if everybody knows my name tonight<br />
Alright, alright<br />
<br />
It's hard to feel the rush<br />
To push the dangerous<br />
I'm gonna run right to, to the edge with you<br />
Where we can both fall over in love<br />
<br />
I'm on the edge of glory<br />
And I'm hanging on a moment of truth<br />
Out on the edge of glory<br />
And I'm hanging on a moment with you<br />
I'm on the edge<br />
The edge<br />
The edge<br />
The edge<br />
The edge<br />
The edge<br />
The edge<br />
I'm on the edge of glory<br />
And I'm hanging on a moment with you <br />
I'm on the edge with you<br />
<br />
I'm on the edge with you<br />
<br />
I'm on the edge with you<br />
<br />
I'm on the edge of glory<br />
And I'm hanging on a moment of truth <br />
Out on the edge of glory<br />
And I'm hanging on a moment with you<br />
I'm on the edge<br />
The edge<br />
The edge<br />
The edge<br />
The edge<br />
The edge<br />
The edge<br />
I'm on the edge of glory<br />
And I'm hanging on a moment with you <br />
I'm on the edge with you</span><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-35620103143433642292013-12-08T18:40:00.000-07:002013-12-08T18:40:35.327-07:00Not Just A Little Sobering
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After being in treatment for acute leukemia since February,
I’ve come to realize that there is no real <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">routine</i>
to speak of, especially since arriving in at the Puget Sound Veterans’ Health
Care System. I can arrive on time at 8:00 a.m., get my blood drawn with all my
compadrés, get my IVs running, and get my golden ticket to head back to the
hotel only to see the MTU’s number in my caller ID. It could be as innocuous as
letting me know about an appointment, changing my dosage on a medication, or
having me come back in for something unforeseen. Any way you look at it, I’m on
a short leash and it’s just part of the big picture of treatment. Some days a
pain, some days a reassurance, but always something of which I have to be
conscious…and there really are no days off, even if I don’t have an appointment
at the big white building on Beacon Hill.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Med management is, as I’ve said before, an hour-to-hour
undertaking and I’m my own best advocate when it comes to my healing. It means
being brutally honest in how I’m feeling at the risk of sounding like a
hypochondriac and asking a lot of questions.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This week has been a tough one with respect to the details
as well as the big picture, but it started with what might otherwise be seen as
routine. Because of my lungs, my attending physician has asked that I come in
every day rather than Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays (which, incidentally was
reinstated as of this morning…see? Everything is always in a state of flux!).
Outpatient rounds typically devolve into a quick social call where the
entourage of medical folks ask how I’m doing, exchange a few details about the
lab results from my blood draw with each other, perhaps adjust medication a
bit, and move on to the next patient. It’s pleasant enough and they take all of
five minutes, maybe ten if Austin or I have questions we’d like to discuss.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Wednesday was really…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</i>
different.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It was a conversation that hit me out of the blue about a
topic I’d certainly mulled over in my mind, but that I was having said conversation with my
attending physician, the head of the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit, took it out
of the realm of academic and into the real.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Without preamble, he pointed out that my pulmonary function
test from that morning didn’t show any improvement over the previous week,
something I already knew. Where he went with that was not just a little
sobering. He pointed out that with any intubation, the likelihood of being
extubated successfully becomes smaller. He didn’t want to even offer up any
statistics in that my survival from the previous two intubations was seen as
pretty remarkable. In fact, he suggested that if I were required to go back on
a ventilator, the possibility of me regaining consciousness would be unlikely.</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLznXHewis3AbASjPSySIq2ABRIiwnl5jUwLB3_h3VjIDn4U5MzQzl6ZlvP_uLtKRFLu8gphoICU_68y2jYaBQhLuE7-DX3WrYwvYKmV0lIFihPg9CrsDGI_Upky2T4ijWvrPkzbEqzDlr/s1600/IMG_0400.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLznXHewis3AbASjPSySIq2ABRIiwnl5jUwLB3_h3VjIDn4U5MzQzl6ZlvP_uLtKRFLu8gphoICU_68y2jYaBQhLuE7-DX3WrYwvYKmV0lIFihPg9CrsDGI_Upky2T4ijWvrPkzbEqzDlr/s320/IMG_0400.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><em>This is me in the MICU on a ventilator for the second time. The machine is breathing for me and it was actually a terrifying experience for me in that any time I had to cough, a pulmonary technician had to "help" me and it felt like I was drowning. To communicate, I had an old school clipboard. I'm trying to be a bit funny to make the best of a very bad situation. I was in this contraption, catheterized, being fed intravenously, and really unable to do much of anything for almost a week. Yeah, it sucked, but it kept me alive.</em></span><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">How’s that for a conversation opener?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Who, in their right mind, would submit to that? I, already
had two awful, PTSD-inducing experiences on the ventilator and to hear that
submitting to a third time would most certainly end my life was a bit much.
Now, bear in mind, that I’ve already come to terms that my time could come and
in reality, I’ve lived a great, fulfilling life, but I’m not ready to cash in
the chips yet! I’ve got too much yet to do and too many life experiences yet to
live, so this is not something I want to hear. Who would? But I’m still in
treatment and there are “TRM – Treatment Related Mortality” statistics for a
reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People really do die because the
treatment is rough, let me assure you, but <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I
will survive, I will survi-i-ive </i>(sing it with me!)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">One of the entourage was the staff psychologist and we
talked about this death thing in real terms. No, I’m not dying and yes, we’re
all still fighting this lung crap with a vengeance. No one is giving up. I will
say that I refuse to die in a hospital if at all possible and as much as I find
my adopted home town of Seattle endearing and welcoming, my home is the cradle
of the Wasatch Front in Salt Lake City and I’ve made arrangements with the
University of Utah for the disposition of my remains to be used in training our
next cadre of medical professionals as well as donating my organs. It just
seems like the responsible thing to me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t need to tell you that the whole ordeal was a really
tough one. I was a bit out of it for the rest of the day. I needed to
decompress, but how? I shed a tear or twelve, talked it out with family both
email and on the phone and had a barrage of questions for the doctor the next
day.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am pleased to say that the doctor clarified a few things.
First, it was a conversation that should have happened after the first
intubation, but just never did; Second it was a possibility, not a likelihood;
and finally, he apologized for springing it on me the way he did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Afterward, I felt like he was really trying
to work with me rather than back me into some corner. I explained my position
and we moved back to the pleasantries that we were used to. Bottom line: game
on with the lungs. I can do this and we’re all on the same page once again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, we’re back to perpetual med dose changes, being
inconvenienced by a short electronic leash, and the sound of IV pumps swishing
away and making harsh electronic noises – all things that indicate the war on steroid-induced
myopathy, lung malfunction, and leukemia continues in earnest. As tiring as that
has become over that past several months, I again say, “Game on!</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well, stay strong, and much love to you all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today’s music is from Dan Fogelberg – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Phoenix<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I
have cried too<br />
I have cried too long<br />
I have cried too<br />
I have cried too long<br />
No more sorrow<br />
Got to carry on<br />
<br />
Found deep water<br />
Before I'd even learned to swim<br />
Found deep water<br />
Before I'd even learned to swim<br />
Never thought I'd<br />
See the sun again<br />
<br />
Once I was a<br />
Once I was a man alone<br />
Once I was a<br />
Once I was a man alone<br />
Now I've found a<br />
Heart to call my home<br />
<br />
Like a phoenix<br />
I have risen from the flames<br />
Like a phoenix<br />
I have risen from the flames<br />
No more living<br />
Someone else's dreams<br />
<br />
I have cried too<br />
I have cried too long<br />
I have cried too<br />
I have cried too long<br />
No more sorrow<br />
Got to carry on<br />
<br />
You almost had me, old lady<br />
You almost tied me down good<br />
You played the lady in waiting<br />
And I waited as long as I could<br />
<br />
Too long the songs have been silent<br />
Too long the strings have been still<br />
I never knew what you wanted<br />
And I guess that I never will<br />
<br />
Like a phoenix<br />
I have risen from the flames<br />
Like a phoenix<br />
I have risen from the flames<br />
No more living<br />
Someone else's dreams<br />
<br />
I have cried too<br />
I have cried too long<br />
I have cried too<br />
I have cried too long<br />
No more sorrow<br />
Got to carry on<br />
<br />
Yeah, yeah, yeah<br />
Yeah, yeah</span></i><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-21683141872277687712013-12-02T17:05:00.000-07:002013-12-02T17:05:15.879-07:00Outa Control<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m no control freak, but like most people, I do like to be
able to take care of myself. It’s part of that being an adult thing. The day
you’re diagnosed with a debilitating, life-threatening illness, control is
kinda thrown out the window.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the pronouncement,
“You have acute myeloid leukemia” isn’t bad enough, the treatment will take you
down a few more notches to the point of indignities galore. Then there’s the
recovery phase where I am. Even though there is an overall game plan to beating
this monster, it feels so out of control some days that you just want to put your hands over your ears, fold up into a fetal position and scream for it to
just stop.<br />
<br />
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Cue the silence.<br />
<br />
When I came to Seattle, that plan consisted of baseline
testing to ensure I was still in remission and a viable candidate bone marrow
transplant; chemotherapy to essentially decimate my immune system to receive
the donor stem cells; and a 100-day post-transplant regimen to keep GVHD
(graft-versus-host disease) in check while the new cells engraft. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ideally</i></b>,
on “Day 100,” we’re looking at getting discharged, fists pumping all-round, and
heading home to the ‘new normal.’<br />
<br />
Today is that very “Day 100” from my transplant date,
however it’s going to have to pass as a milestone for me because in my case,
it’s now about my lungs – specifically my right lung – one of those unforeseen
and nearly lethal side effects of the treatment. That doesn’t mean there isn’t
improvement because there actually is. It just takes time and you guessed it, it
involves things that are out of my control.<br />
<br />
Side effects being what they are, you can’t push this kind
of thing. The body will respond <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">when</i></b> it responds <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">how</i></b>
it responds <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">if</i></b> it responds at all. Having spoken with fellow transplant
patients, some of them are on their second and third transplants because their
first and second grafts didn’t take.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Mine obviously (and thankfully) did. (Thank you, Hans*, my mystery donor!)
Again, though, it’s totally out of our control. We watch our lab numbers and
hope that they’re going in the right direction; we wait for our bodies to
respond appropriately to the meds and our shiny new stem cells; and we hope for
the doctors to give us the thumbs-up to go to our homes instead of back to the
hotel for another night of captivating TV entertainment and away from where
we’d rather be.<br />
<br />
I’m honestly not a very good complainer or kvetcher (if that’s
a word!), but after all these months, there are days where the 24/7 medication
management becomes wearisome, the fatigue from said medications, the endless
hospital visits, and so on just become overwhelming. I concede it’s
OK to have a bad day here and there, but I’m generally a positive upbeat kinda guy
and this has depleted my emotional reserves and I’m feeling it a bit more acutely these
days. As much as I’ve tried to put my best face forward and keep smiling, my
past few postings have bordered on rants, I’ll admit. What can I say? I’ve been
through a lot and am pretty tired of it. Who wouldn’t be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not alone in those feelings, I’m sure and
I’m certainly not the first to have discovered that cancer sucks. But I’m being
real - it’s raw, it’s honest. <br />
<br />
I obviously have a lot of time to think when I’m flat on my
back or in a chair getting an IV med, so my warped and hopelessly trivial mind
goes to the opening scenes from the TV series <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Kung Fu</i> where the master says, “When you snatch the pebble out of
my hand, it will be time for you to leave.”<o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span></span><br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Although one of my attending physicians is an awesome Asian
guy, he has no such litmus test for me, no martial arts training on my
schedule, and he’s more adept with modern Western medical technique than ancient
herbal remedies…and the ‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">it will be time for you to leave’</i></b> is
pretty open-ended. It’s out of my control. And his as well, really.<br />
<br />
So…when <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">can</i> I
leave?<br />
<br />
I certainly don’t want to be discharged too early to find
out I need to get back to Seattle for more medical fun-ness, so I’m not pushing anyone for
hard and fast dates or even decisions, but it’s always good to get a big
picture idea of where I fit. I get signals here and there and I’m reasonably
sure there is light at the end of this tunnel that isn’t the freight train
coming back at me at the end of the month. Suffice it to say, Sandy Claws is
going to have to make sure he got the temporary address forwarding memo from
the post office, but not too much longer than that. I hope. So, my Christmas
playlist will not include <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’ll Be Home For
Christmas</i> this year, but I will have visitors from home which will make my
season brighter by far.<br />
<br />
That could all change of course, so I’m not making plans…after
all, it’s all out of my control.<br />
<br />
I still look for and find the bright spots in this
journey called cancer. They’re out there and I have to seize them to keep sane
and looking forward. Choosing to see the positive, to <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">be</i></b> positive in the midst
of a rather negative situation is something for which I do have control.<br />
<br />
Be well, stay strong, and much love to you all.<br />
<br />
<em>* - I’ve nicknamed my donor Hans because the only thing I
know is that I’ve been told he’s male and circumstances lead me to believe he
is from Germany based on donor anonymity regulations. Well, I know he has O+ blood because that’s now my blood type instead of AB+. I guess I’ll
find out about any allergies and other neato stuff like that as time goes on.</em><br />
<em></em><br />
Today's music is from Michael Bolton - <em>Go The Distance</em><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 107%;">I have often dreamed of a far off
place, <br />
Where a hero’s welcome would be waiting for me. <br />
Where the crowds would cheer, when they see my face, <br />
And a voice keeps saying this is where I'm meant to be <br />
<br />
I'll be there someday, I can go the distance. <br />
I will find my way if I can be strong. <br />
I know every mile would be worth my while, <br />
When I go the distance, I'll be right where I belong. <br />
<br />
Down an unknown road to embrace my fate, <br />
Though that road may wander, it will lead me to you. <br />
And a thousand years would be worth the wait. <br />
It might take a lifetime but somehow I'll see it through <br />
<br />
And I won't look back, I can go the distance, <br />
And I'll stay on track, no I won't accept defeat, <br />
It's an uphill slope, <br />
But I won't lose hope, 'til I go the distance <br />
And my journey is complete, oh yeah. <br />
<br />
But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part, <br />
For a hero’s strength is measured by his heart, oh... <br />
<br />
Like a shooting star, I will go the distance, <br />
I will search the world, I will face it's harms, <br />
I don't care how far, I can go the distance, <br />
'Til I find my hero’s welcome waiting in your arms. <br />
<br />
I will search the world, I will face its harms <br />
'Til I find my hero’s welcome waiting in your arms</span></i></div>
</span> </o:p><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-30454083308981126082013-11-25T19:24:00.000-07:002013-11-27T00:14:48.416-07:00Side Effects<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve come to the unavoidable conclusion that cancer is a
collection of side effects, most of which quite frankly suck. How’s that for
eloquence in explanation? It’s a no-brainer that certain habits, certain
chemicals, certain actions create an environment where there may already be a
higher predisposition toward a particular cancer – the most obvious example
would be smoking and lung cancer. Even there, I do the proverbial face plant in
reflecting to my nonagenarian grandfather who outright abused his body into his
80s until he finally kicked the habit and ended up living to 99. Go figure!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin: 0in 0in 8pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNxY8o7R68Xru6yX1wpIe86DWKmH8QbdDWkCs_8bWtOpc_FouNQQZQGLpwrQ3-ahJP1d6_OxEw3IaYqeGneSmMCqdj6nmvAADSeD3ruyOnVc9TayiQW1Co94GDnyUyWu4_T4YyY1F-GRYX/s1600/It+is+the+Journey+13+08+12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNxY8o7R68Xru6yX1wpIe86DWKmH8QbdDWkCs_8bWtOpc_FouNQQZQGLpwrQ3-ahJP1d6_OxEw3IaYqeGneSmMCqdj6nmvAADSeD3ruyOnVc9TayiQW1Co94GDnyUyWu4_T4YyY1F-GRYX/s320/It+is+the+Journey+13+08+12.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">One of the near-lethal side effects I’ve written about has
been my lungs. I do not use tobacco in any form. The doctors have all but told me that had it not been for my
lungs, I’d be looking at discharge and heading back Salt Lake City as it
appears the leukemia has been licked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So,
at this point, the side effect is something rather unavoidable. Gotta keep
breathing, right? But, it’s a bit more complicated than that. To keep some of
the other post-transplant issues in check, immunosuppressant drugs and high
doses of steroids are used so my shiny new transplanted cells don’t attack my
own body or vice versa (Graft Versus Host Disease). It should come as no
surprise that these particular drugs have – you guessed it – side effects. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have been taking high doses of Prednisone which serves as
an immunosuppressant and has a number of side effects, some of which are vital
in treating the post-transplant part of the leukemia…and it does give me a
little boost of energy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The goal is to
taper this off to let my new immune system kick in and take over, but in the
meantime, it’s a bit of a ball and chain in that it opens me up to infection.
Another nasty side effect is that I’ve bloated
to where I don’t look like my picture by some people’s estimation. I have some
serious swelling in my face and legs.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And that’s just one of the many, many drugs I’ve been
prescribed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My hat is off to the pharmacists who advise the doctors on
the interactions these drugs have with each other, not to mention the dosages
that have to be managed on a nearly daily basis. It must feel like a horrible
combination of Tetris, Operation, and Jenga. One false move and it all falls
apart and my nose glows! And every single patient is different with some
variation that throws the normal pharmacological protocol off just a bit.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I found out just how big of a deal two tiny 20 mg pills was
this past week. It’s also the reason you haven’t heard from me in a couple of weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After my bronchoscopy, the pulmonary doctors
decided that I needed a surgical biopsy to confirm something they pretty much
knew and in order to do that, the team consulted an expert at the Fred
Hutchinson Cancer Institute who specializes in lung issues as they relate to
cancer. In order to do the surgery, my dose of Prednisone would be halved
immediately to allow my body to do what it would normally do in infection
fighting. The side effect of the dose reduction threw me for a loop! The very
next day, all I did was sleep while my daily IVs were being administered. For
the next couple of days, I don’t think I’d felt quite so lousy – not sick, just
BLAH! Getting out of bed was a feat that I didn’t think I could pull off, but
somehow, I managed to do it. The kicker was that my scheduled reduction would
be to halve the dose <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">again</i> in the
space of only three days to get me ready for the surgery.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The hem/onc team reconsidered and decided that the
information they would get from the biopsy wasn’t worth what they were seeing
and the dose was put back up to the pre-consult level and it was nothing short
of amazing how I felt. Two stupid little pills.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, the docs are calling it COP (cryptogenically organizing
pneumonia. OK, Latin scholars [and you military folk out there, too]. When the
root word <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">crypto</i> is employed, it
means what? It means something like “we don’t know what it is…let’s break the
code.” Same logic here. It’s their way of saying they don’t know what it is. It
used to start with idiopathic, but the patients broke that code and retorted,
“You don’t know what it is, do you?” So now the docs just say they don’t and
are done with it. I am not making this up. So, I have a new couple of pills to
treat it as a bad actor and moving on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Hopefully, this takes care of it and I can play the Osmond’s “Going Back
to Utah” as my music of the day very soon.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now, there are quite a few medications I’ve been prescribed
that have been available as their sole function to combat side effects. And I
gotta tell ya, I’m profoundly grateful for them. I’ve had procedures that were
intensely painful or anxiety-inducing that a nurse’s little helper made a world
of difference for this here patient. My threshold of pain and ability to take
one for the Gipper (or whoever happened to be the surrogate voodoo doll that
particular day) may be suppressed, but <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nurse’s
little helper</i> was gratefully received in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ye olde PICC line</i>. Zofran, Ativan, Demerol, whatever keeps me from
hurling my lunch into the cute little green tubs, curling up in the fetal
position from pain, or crying uncontrollably for no reason, the chemistry is
welcome.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Nope…cancer ain’ no fun for no one. Sorry to burst your bubble if you're thinking otherwise.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I wonder sometimes why it is that I cry at the drop of a hat
lately. It could be any trigger really, and I’m not talking about a sentimental
song (although that happens often enough, too). Sure, there are enough drugs coursing
through my chemo-wasted veins that make me a bit extra sensitive to things and
I will very much concede that gratitude is one of those things that I’ve come
to understand in a completely different way as a result of being at the mercy
of literally everyone around me. After all, without the compassion of my nurses
and caregivers over the past several months, I’d not likely be in the land of
the living – and that is by no means an exaggeration. Clinging to the shreds of
life is not something one can do solo. It takes a group of people to hold my
arms up when I can’t and holding my hands when I have no strength to grip and
there have been a couple of times where I fell flat on my face (literally)
where I needed someone to pick me back up and I’ve needed my mama to tell me
(perhaps a bit tongue in-cheek...and by no means any disrespect intended) to put me back on her lap reminiscent of the
scene in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Help</i> to tell me, “You is
kind, you is smart, you is important.” We all need the reminded just who we
are, especially in the worst of times that at heart, we haven’t changed and
that we matter.</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Side effect or just tapping into something a bit deeper?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Whatever…cancer still sucks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Let’s get this lung thing licked and call it a day, shall
we?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well, stay strong, and much love to you all…and
especially you who have held my arms up, my hands in yours, and especially my
heart these many months!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Music of the day from Baby James (i.e. James Taylor for you
younger people…don’t tell me you don’t know who James Taylor is, please). <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shower the People</i></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You can play the game
and you can act out the part </span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Though you know it
wasn't written for you </span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But tell me, how can
you stand there with your broken heart <br />
Ashamed of playing the fool <br />
One thing can lead to another; it doesn't take any sacrifice <br />
Oh, father and mother, sister and brother <br />
If it feels nice, don't think twice </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Just shower the people
you love with love <br />
Show them the way that you feel <br />
Things are gonna work out fine if you only will </span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Shower the people you
love with love <br />
Show them the way you feel <br />
Things are gonna be much better if you only will </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You can run but you
cannot hide <br />
This is widely known <br />
And what you plan to do with your foolish pride <br />
When you're all by yourself alone </span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Once you tell somebody
the way that you feel <br />
You can feel it beginning to ease <br />
I think it's true what they say about the squeaky wheel <br />
Always getting the grease. </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Better to shower the
people you love with love <br />
Show them the way that you feel <br />
Things are gonna be just fine if you only will </span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Shower the people you
love with love <br />
Show them the way that you feel <br />
Things are gonna be much better if you only will </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Shower the people you
love with love <br />
Show them the way that you feel <br />
You'll feel better right away </span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Don't take much to do <br />
Sell you pride <br />
They say in every life <br />
They say the rain must fall <br />
Just like pouring rain <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Make it rain</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Make it rain</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Love, love, love is
sunshine.</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh yes</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Make it rain</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Love, love, love is
sunshine</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yeah, all right</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Everybody, everybody</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Shower the people you
love with love</span></i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-7070655071149338932013-11-07T14:15:00.000-07:002013-11-07T14:16:05.386-07:00Be Prepared<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">During one of my outpatient IV sessions, I was the only one
in the room and in a weak moment, turned on the TV. I tuned into the National
Geographic channel and rather than the stunning cinematography and nature
programming I was expecting, I was met with a program featuring some
survivalists and their compounds. I won’t go off on a tangent about television
programming, but it reminded me that there’s a whole industry out there
catering to those who are planning on “the big one.” Now, that “big one” could
be the earthquake that is supposed to level the city where I call home, it
could be something downright apocalyptic, or just a few of these fringe
survivalists National Geographic featured who want to live off the grid. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I sure didn’t anticipate meeting “the big one” of catastrophic
illnesses, but to be sure, there are a number of interdependent industries
catering to this particular “big one,” yet it’s more reactive than preventive –
that is to say there is a huge nutritional supplement industry on the
preventive side and a reactive health care system. No one really prepares to
have a catastrophic illness befall them. Well, I thought that was true until
Angelina Jolie pre-emptively had a radical double mastectomy to reduce her risk
of developing breast cancer. Some cancers tend to be hereditary while others
like mine, as I’ve been told, are just arbitrary blind dumb luck. It defies me
how some people can live reckless lives, abusing their bodies with all manner
of chemicals without consequence while others are borderline obsessive and end
up with a debilitating illness. Yet, that is the way [fill in your favorite
aphorism here].</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have been pretty conscientious since entering what we
euphemistically call “middle age” about my health. I’ve made changes in my diet
and lifestyle, exercised regularly, and even thought to myself every time I
check out at the grocery store seeing the headlines on the health magazines,
“Yeah, I do that…I’m good.” In fact the night I was ushered into the elite
leukemia club, I was on my way to the gym, bag packed in my trunk. I wasn’t
sporting the coveted six-pack abs, but just a few months prior, I was riding
500+ miles down the California coast on my bicycle. I was in pretty decent
shape for a 50-year old grandfather.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">What I lacked in that chiseled muscle, I had in stamina and
ironically, as it turns out, having held on to the body fat that I have been
valiantly trying to exorcise through exercise has actually turned out to be a
benefit, both in terms of being able to lose weight from chemo and in the many
subcutaneous injections. Whoda thunk? Well, my primary care physician did say
to me, “The jury’s still out as to whether it’s good to carry a few extra
pounds.” I like this guy. He not took the time to actually listen to me about
turning 50, but he was persistent with his suspicions and was the one
responsible for finding the leukemia. That certainly works for me. Say what you
will about the VA Health Care System, but I think it’s awesome.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Still, I hadn’t prepared to be sick. Again, who does?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Having been through what I have, I will tell you that being
healthy has made all the difference on how fast my body has responded to
treatment, healed when something went wrong, and is now rebounding now on the
downside of transplant. Some of it has to do with heredity, to be sure. I’ve
been blessed with some pretty good genes, but it wasn’t obviously enough to
ward cancer off completely and I have some battling with this thing yet, but I
hope it makes sense to say you can be quite sick with an illness and yet be
healthy just as it is to not be sick yet unhealthy. For example, I may be
battling cancer and have some challenges with blood chemistry or limitations
with strength, but I will exercise and eat watch what I eat and be otherwise
just as healthy as before.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8iJg3AIeklkwAyKjGW6SA-SYLXs7hxVzAzysPync3mu7spLt6CuGftYIQNBx2l3k4M0kW8Mqf1u5ZIu-zKlTavv4B1j7eSW-MY9h4YLlKoKmHlP-jofuaYkDQR-NVr1_BMyjeP2ZwToyj/s1600/Time+-+Cancer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8iJg3AIeklkwAyKjGW6SA-SYLXs7hxVzAzysPync3mu7spLt6CuGftYIQNBx2l3k4M0kW8Mqf1u5ZIu-zKlTavv4B1j7eSW-MY9h4YLlKoKmHlP-jofuaYkDQR-NVr1_BMyjeP2ZwToyj/s320/Time+-+Cancer.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em><span style="font-size: small;">This is the cover of the April 1, 2013 of Time magazine. I read through the article while at the hospital in Salt Lake City. One of the poignant things I walked away with is that <strong>1 in every 2 men</strong> and <strong>1 in every 3 women</strong> will be impacted by cancer in their lifetimes. If those numbers aren't compelling enough to take whatever pre-emptive action about your health, I don't know what numbers will persuade you. Far from being fatalistic about it, use it as ammunition to be healthy.</span></em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Some of the habits that got me in decent shape prior to my
diagnosis will be hard to forego because the intent of the habits are to take
care and improve myself. The adage of ‘no pain, no gain’ could set me back, so
the new mantra is now ‘listen to your body’ to find out the safe limitations
and I have to add in the numbers from my daily blood chemistry and counts and
medical advice. But the impetus behind the habits will produce new ones that
keep the healing moving along.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I wanted to talk about this because simply taking care of
myself through a reasonable diet, regular exercise, and a good attitude have
made a bad situation bearable and allowed for a much more rapid healing than
otherwise. From my standpoint, it’s purely anecdotal, but there is empirical
evidence to support my assertion that I’ve read in the past few months. I’ve
been around a lot of other cancer patients and the number of people who don’t
take care of themselves take so much longer to respond to treatment and heal,
it’s worth mentioning. Moreover, these people are much nicer to be around,
which makes it a really cool thing to have the nurses jockeying over who gets
to take care of you because of your attitude!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Bottom line: whether you actually ever meet “the big one” you’ll
be healthier and you’ll be happier. Seriously.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Music for the day from Rascal Flatts – <em>My Wish</em></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="display: none; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hide: all;"><em>hh</em>Bottom of Form</span></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow<br />
And each road leads you where you want to go<br />
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose<br />
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And if one door opens to another door closed<br />
I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window<br />
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile<br />
But more than anything, more than anythin</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My wish for you<br />
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to<br />
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small<br />
</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You never need to carry more than you can hold</span></span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 8pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And while you're out there gettin' where you're
gettin' to<br />
I hope you know somebody loves you<br />
And wants the same things too<br />
Yeah, this is my wish</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 8pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I hope you never look back but you never forget<br />
All the ones who love you and the place you left<br />
I hope you always forgive and you never regret<br />
And you help somebody every chance you get</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 8pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake<br />
And always give more than you take<br />
But more than anything, yeah more than anything</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 8pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My wish for you<br />
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to<br />
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small<br />
You never need to carry more than you can hold</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 8pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And while you're out there gettin' where you're
gettin' to<br />
I hope you know somebody loves you<br />
And wants the same things too<br />
Yeah, this is my wish, yeah yeah</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 8pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My wish for you<br />
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to<br />
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small<br />
You never need to carry more than you can hold</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 8pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And while you're out there gettin' where you're
gettin' to<br />
I hope you know somebody loves you<br />
And wants the same things too<br />
Yeah, this is my wish<br />
(My wish for you)</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 8pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">This is my wish<br />
(My wish for you)<br />
I hope you know somebody loves you<br />
(My wish for you)<br />
May all your dreams stay big<br />
(My wish for you)</span></span></i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-90432435063454431362013-11-04T04:00:00.000-07:002013-11-04T04:52:23.735-07:00One Foot Off The Ledge<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>I still want to do something a bit lighter after some rather
heavy emotional weeks, but after my last posting on my reaction to the
bronchoscopy, I felt I the need to close that loop. I don’t think I’ve ever had
such a strong involuntary emotional response to anything in my life so many
times, especially in such short order.</em></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I've found leukemia to be nothing short of an emotional
roller coaster. One day, I’m hurling in one of those little green
tubs for all to hear and then something magical happens and it feels like I’m sailing along, whooping it up with my hands above my head, bravado showing for all to see as we all go down the next hill on track. I still have my not-so-great-feeling-really tired days, but thankfully, the really nasty stuff is behind me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m in an outpatient status, but I’m spending the better
part of my day at the hospital being infused with an electrolytic cocktail of
potassium, calcium, phosphorus, and magnesium each morning before my anti-viral
Foscarnet. I get this drug instead of Gancyclovir which I had been able to get
infused in the hotel because after prolonged use, it took my blood chemistry down.
The Foscarnet is manufactured in England and imported here. Afterward I get another bag of saline to protect my kidneys, so I
have an IV pole for a dancing partner for about 5 ½ hours a day. So, if
everything moves along, I can get back on the road to the hotel around 1:30 or
2:00. It makes for long days...and this assumes I don't get other things like platelets, other blood products, or another infusion that my morning tests said I needed.</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM-cVX56DaWF8PBDaS-XfAOpmzCzaB-Hy3-l5MkeAfBbtVvvlCOQ4_rs0c7yoWm3AqF5FzHoQ4cAYeAK9_gj-O4q5dFhQ3eS8a5IFgPnulYXpj5GFzRb7E0XxVAOLvsoyU0tiw-8DoqyQ2/s1600/IMG_4560.JPG.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM-cVX56DaWF8PBDaS-XfAOpmzCzaB-Hy3-l5MkeAfBbtVvvlCOQ4_rs0c7yoWm3AqF5FzHoQ4cAYeAK9_gj-O4q5dFhQ3eS8a5IFgPnulYXpj5GFzRb7E0XxVAOLvsoyU0tiw-8DoqyQ2/s320/IMG_4560.JPG.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">I'm being prepped for the procedure. The camera is about the width of a pencil and the images are projected on these screens. Of course, I don't remember a thing, but I'm sure it was captivating. Mr. DeMille, this is NOT what I meant about a close-up!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">As a side-note, I can't wait for my hair to grow back. You could use the reflection on my head as a mirror!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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</div>
<div style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIfiFhsJ6e9R4YMqw06sFXdbEVrqWuJtuLSS1REXEhnxfXo_nGJjKckd6XTS5OXbByBOqT3KshRMVcNJLunvDjM4tu0bqlqQfym_UJtEXjO9HS4c_RAi62QulwLM8WN8bWeP220T_Rp08B/s1600/Numbing+up+my+throat+with+lidocaine.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIfiFhsJ6e9R4YMqw06sFXdbEVrqWuJtuLSS1REXEhnxfXo_nGJjKckd6XTS5OXbByBOqT3KshRMVcNJLunvDjM4tu0bqlqQfym_UJtEXjO9HS4c_RAi62QulwLM8WN8bWeP220T_Rp08B/s320/Numbing+up+my+throat+with+lidocaine.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I'm sucking down some Lidocaine to numb my lungs in this pic. I had tried to be the funny guy and play with the nebulizer like a flute, but my photographer missed his Kodak Moment®.</span></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s a routine, but there are no breaks and I still have the
mother of all pill boxes and my med-induced high blood sugar I need to monitor.
It’s not enough to simply say that I have to take a certain medication three
times a day because there are interactions that prevent something quite that
simple. so I may have to offset one pill by an hour or two or with/without a meal. It gets complicated. Blood sugar is treated like a type I diabetes with insulin and I have
two different types I have to work with based on the time of day and the
particular sugar level.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything is
closely regulated by the MTU pharmacy. Maintaining proper blood chemistry truly
is a 24/7 proposition right now. It’s tiring, often wearisome, but it’s life
right now.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But I still don’t have to sleep in the hospital…and </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">that’s a
good thing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span> </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_eX1LgYz77FKuJ3GlzY0WlBTbmKmT5Ohyphenhyphen6KIy4EDN037yLhtxXbHTNl3QGEH5RVzV1VL5-Jx5w477wyy_AzsXWgX7K0w_YJwRp96dOKSqV1g2wl7EJvaDmA57zIiseXk5eeTnqGxfpODx/s1600/Recovvery.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_eX1LgYz77FKuJ3GlzY0WlBTbmKmT5Ohyphenhyphen6KIy4EDN037yLhtxXbHTNl3QGEH5RVzV1VL5-Jx5w477wyy_AzsXWgX7K0w_YJwRp96dOKSqV1g2wl7EJvaDmA57zIiseXk5eeTnqGxfpODx/s320/Recovvery.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Now, I did say I don't sleep at the hospital, BUT I guess this would be the exception</span>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Prednisone is one of the many medications I take. It’s a
corticosteroid and also acts an immunosuppressant. I take these in rather high
doses being a transplant patient. The big thing it does is ward off Graft
Versus Host Disease (GVHD). I used to be at more than double the dose I am now,
but in order for me to escape the Puget Sound VA Health Care System’s
gravitational beam and return to my home in Utah, I have to be off of these bad
boys. So, the next step in this Rube Goldberg contraption is to further taper
off the steroids and to do that we have to make sure my lungs are able to
handle the reduction in the dosage (GVHD will often attack the lungs, hence the
reason for pulmonologists involved and the need for the bronchoscopy). You can
see the delicate balancing act on which all this hinges, now, right? Putting it
all together took some time for me, too.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">That said, having four white-coated pulmonologists tell me on
Thursday they wanted to do a bronchoscopy on Friday,<em> for whatever reason</em>, was
not a welcome proposition. Just the word made me shake involuntarily because no
matter what mental machinations I tried to invoke, all I could see in my mind’s
eye was the day I was whisked away to the MICU after a room full of doctors and
nurses put an oxygen mask over my face, pumped the thing that looked like a
toilet float to make me breathe and sedated me. I awoke in a strange place with
a machine breathing for me and every time I needed to cough, I felt like I was
drowning. The bronchoscopy they did en route to the MICU had involved a drug
that paralyzed me so I could hear and feel everything but do nothing. All I can
tell you it was the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced and nothing
any of these well-meaning doctors could say could lessen that memory. I was
officially freaking out despite their assurances that this would only take an
hour, that no paralytic drugs would be involved, that I would remember nothing,
and that it was really no big deal.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I went home after my routine IVs were over on Thursday, only
to be greeted by a phone call to confirm scheduling of the bronchoscopy for
1:00 p.m. Friday, November 1. I told them I would haunt their dreams forever if
it wasn’t exactly the way they told me…after all, it was Halloween. Again, I
was assured six ways to Sunday that this would be quick, painless, and over in
less than an hour and I would *<b>not</b>* be getting any kind of paralytic
drug. Nothing per oral after midnight except my meds as directed by my
outpatient team. Adding insult to injury, yes, I was really hungry!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I slept most of the morning in the outpatient recliner while
getting my daily IVs – partly out of emotional escape, partly because of my inability
to sleep through the night anymore. Once it was my turn to see the doctors for
routine rounds, they asked me how I was doing and the irony was just like the
previous day, I had a lot of energy. Physically, I was doing well…emotionally,
I was a wreck and I broke down shaking and unable to hold it together.
Thankfully, they all knew what I’d been through and the medical team really
holds us as a big family and truly are rather tender with us – especially the
nurses of course. The attending physician, Dr. Wu, is awesome
anyway. He’s the one of the three attendings that seems to actually give
straight answers instead of hedging around. Since it was the first day of the
month, the new fellow was part of rounds. She was pretty responsive for
not knowing me or my history, but pledged to make sure she would make this a
non-event. They gave me some Ativan about 30 minutes ahead of my shin-dig, which officially put me under the influence of a debilitating drug and I was now no longer qualified to drive my IV pole to the pulmonary suite, which is about 100’ from the MTU where we were. I got wheeled over like a proper cancer sicko.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6t6WIUO7L_ZQ9Kxq6Abuzd9u6axUQuvWfVmQX0JtznilFZjsdX8pzxZSsMn28prkzle7UAUWxzvFCSHojsGc2ChmfjAVswblxFINcbLcQvA90zc2iTT1EJ870V4W3LMFiFflkpgKTO0y2/s1600/IMG_4564.JPG.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6t6WIUO7L_ZQ9Kxq6Abuzd9u6axUQuvWfVmQX0JtznilFZjsdX8pzxZSsMn28prkzle7UAUWxzvFCSHojsGc2ChmfjAVswblxFINcbLcQvA90zc2iTT1EJ870V4W3LMFiFflkpgKTO0y2/s320/IMG_4564.JPG.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The attending physician from the ICU came in the room with the
doctor that was going to do the procedure and I told him I had one word for
him: “E-I-E-I-O”. He laughed and said, “You really were awake for the
last procedure. I admitted that I had a little help on the clue to “Old
McDonald.” He told me that if I could remember the song they sang during
my procedure, he’d give me a $100 bill (and he showed me the Benjamin to prove
it). I didn’t remember that part of it, but I was very much awake and paralyzed
and told him so. He was shocked to know that and was profusely apologetic
along with the other pulmonary people who were involved. He again assured
me this would be less than an hour and there were absolutely no paralytic drugs
involved. So, for the next 15 minutes, the technicians and nurses gave me different kinds of
drugs to numb up my lungs, throat, and vocal cords so I wouldn’t feel anything, letting me know what they were doing every step of the way.
I can’t say that I knew when I succumbed to the anesthesia. I just know I woke
up and they said I did fine. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Suffice it to say, without the emergent situation and 20
some-odd white-coated individuals in the room, the level of trauma was
nonexistent. The technicians were very calm the whole way through…and since I
was already doped up, that didn’t hurt either. The end of this is that I
should find out if it’s some sort of pneumonia, infection, or something else
probably on Wednesday. All of the possibilities end in the same: if it’s
anything, it will be treated with some sort of oral antibiotic. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In any event, the bottom line is I’m OK and not quite as
traumatized as before…although I gotta tell ya I’ve not quite had that kind of
emotional response in anything, ever. I’m not over the whole thing yet because
it’s still linked to those two very bad trips to the MICU, but if I have to
have another bronchoscopy and they take me through it like this past one, I’ll
be OK with a little nurse’s helper ahead of time!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It all feels very arbitrary some days and very logical
others. What I do know is that I know my strength is returning incrementally
and I’m able to sleep a bit more rather than in fits and starts. I have some days where I feel really great and I still have
my days where I’m just exhausted and I understand that’s just something I’m
going to have to live with over time and learn to listen to my body to prevent
going backward.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Moving onward and upward…be well, stay strong, and much love
to you all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Music today from Rob Thomas – “Little Wonders”</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/jsT2URr1Igc?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder<br />
Don’t you know the hardest part is over?<br />
Let it in, let your clarity define you<br />
In the end we will only just remember how it feels</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Our lives are made in these small hours<br />
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate<br />
Time falls away but these small hours<br />
These small hours still remain</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you<br />
Let it shine until you feel it all around you<br />
And I don't mind if its me you need to turn to<br />
Well get by, its the heart that really matters in the end</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Our lives are made in these small hours<br />
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate<br />
Time falls away but these small hours<br />
These small hours still remain</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All of my regret will wash away somehow<br />
But I cannot forget the way I feel right now<br />
In these small hours<br />
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate<br />
Yeah, these twists and turns of fate!</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Time falls away, yeah but these small hours<br />
And these small hours still remain, yeah<br />
Ooh they still remain<br />
These little wonders, oh these twists and turns of fate</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Time falls away but these small hours<br />
These little wonders still remain</span></span></i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-34951420920373788022013-11-01T07:55:00.000-06:002013-11-01T07:55:04.229-06:00Brick to the Back of the Head<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I had planned on today (Thursday, October 31) being a rather light writing day after having had a couple of rather heavy emotional weeks. And it seemed the stars were aligning for that to happen. I had spent Wednesday night just listening to the music I had selected for over the time I've been writing this blog and the Universe dealt me a really nice hand in the morning. It started out as a really great day. I slept better than
I usually do, I awoke with a lot of energy and had a good breakfast before
heading off to the hospital with my son. That proverbial spring was in my step! Even the nurses commented that I looked
good. To top it off, since today wasn’t one of my regular clinic days, my
time at the VA was spent getting the usual IVs, but again because it was a good
day, one of the IVs has been replaced by an oral medication, so I actually had
one less IV. Bonus!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Good days start with good beginnings! </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And then…it all came crashing in.</span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1sbgvRVPpwb21mdPPrZ-D5UqNHgZWdsdIwFiXV3OyVQu-Smgf5DndPNcN821BDdhh4m8yKaD-6XMmbfGpnmTM3-A3mbcLnvxd8Ov_7HUU8mqcT74W45yZYcoZcOZjVGtGwd1AMAjBXM9W/s1600/IMG_0389.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1sbgvRVPpwb21mdPPrZ-D5UqNHgZWdsdIwFiXV3OyVQu-Smgf5DndPNcN821BDdhh4m8yKaD-6XMmbfGpnmTM3-A3mbcLnvxd8Ov_7HUU8mqcT74W45yZYcoZcOZjVGtGwd1AMAjBXM9W/s320/IMG_0389.JPG" width="212" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Indeed!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have been getting weekly PFTs (Pulmonary Fitness Tests)
which gage how quickly and how deeply I can breathe. We do these for a couple of reasons. The first is to compare them against my intake tests and we're also doing them to taper off the high dose of steroids I'm taking. These tests take all of five minutes and I’m
done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The technician who conducts these
tests told me that my tests have been virtually identical, but if you look
really closely, the doctor pointed out that my results have been about 1% less
by the week. That doesn’t sound like a lot and it really isn’t, but over time,
yeah, it’s not a good thing, so the thing that got me shaking was when a group
of white-coated pulmonologists marched into the outpatient room and pronounced
that they wanted to do a bronchoscopy (pictures will be forthcoming if I can coerce someone or at least guilt someone as long as no faces are in the pictures...except maybe my bloated one).</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp1oapUFIPlJmdUWXdXtStJPfc9guuXUzOCn_rG2U3e5feqpa_110fiua7czjqqaSSeKbvnsgxAEX6ssj91CRf9IAvSK0C4cPqirIbJ7uN05Cy_2GRd5ptmKdfHma-_wm2nwQKvxyztZOg/s1600/lungs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp1oapUFIPlJmdUWXdXtStJPfc9guuXUzOCn_rG2U3e5feqpa_110fiua7czjqqaSSeKbvnsgxAEX6ssj91CRf9IAvSK0C4cPqirIbJ7uN05Cy_2GRd5ptmKdfHma-_wm2nwQKvxyztZOg/s320/lungs.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Let's hope my lungs look a lot like this tomorrow!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Let’s move back in time just over a month ago and that same
pronouncement seemed innocuous enough, except that I had two of them, one of
which I had stopped breathing prior to it and both ended up having me intubated
with a ventilator doing my breathing for me in the MICU. Also, one of them had
me literally paralyzed. I don’t think I’ve been so terrified in my life. Seriously.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The panel of white coats that visited me today assured me up
and down that this wouldn’t be the case and I’d be out of there in about an
hour just like Lenscrafters and they wouldn’t use the paralytic drug. Besides, I
told them that since it was Halloween, I’d haunt their dreams forever if anything
bad happened! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Academically, I can understand this is not a big deal</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">...and in fact
my buddy from Salt Lake who was here last week had one of these things while he was here</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">...and I
understand it’s totally routine</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">...and I understand from my nurse that it’s OK to
be a bit unnerved or scared by it</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">...BUT I have to say the only thing that comes
to my mind is the trauma from the last two where I awoke in a strange place and
being told later it was nothing short of a miracle that I survived. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">THAT has been going through my mind all day
long, followed by shaking and tears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is
that what PTSD is? If it is, I have a new respect for my fellow vets who have
traumatized and suffer from it. Yet one more bit of alphabet soup I’m getting first-hand
experience with. Lovely, huh?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, this afternoon (Friday, November 1) at 1:00 pm PST, I get to
find out if there is something called <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/aspergillosis/DS00950" target="_blank"><em>aspergillosis</em></a><em>,</em> a kind of pneumonia, or
infection or nothing. Now, all of these are somewhat common in immunosuppressant people
like me who are on the post-side of a bone marrow transplant and they all can
be treated by antibiotics and I’m not feeling sick, short of breath or
displaying any other symptom. So, bottom line, it’s not serious (at this point),
but rather for me, it’s simply the procedure itself. So at the end of the day,
it’s getting through having this camera pushed down into my lungs to take a
look-see at the fun that awaits it.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">For some people, this really isn’t a big deal and as I’ve
written in the past, my tolerance for discomfort and my threshold of pain has
really ratcheted up, but because of the trauma associated with this one, I’ve
struggled…a lot. Add to it, the sheer length of time I’ve been dealing with the
leukemia, I’m getting tired of it. I really need a break from the 24/7 nature
of this thing where I can take a day off, enjoy something that perhaps I used
to take for granted, do something that doesn’t make me feel like I want to just
keel over from exhaustion, not feel limited because going up a flight of stairs
is so damned hard. Think about that the next time you simply go up a short flight of stairs, get out of a car, look at your head of hair in the mirror or something else that is just...normal. Yeah, yeah, I know, this, too, shall pass and I know it will. It's just really, really wearisome after all these months.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t really like complaining. It’s not my style, but it’s
reality and I know that the road ahead is still got a lot of miles on it and I
don’t have much of a choice but to walk it gladly, willingly, and eagerly,
knowing that while I’m on it, I get to live and that's a good thing, isn't it Martha Stewart?!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">At least my day started out with great joy and energy. My
intent today was to share some playlists of music that had carried me along
when I just needed a little extra something or even cry with a bit of joy
because music has been a big help during these struggles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ll get there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the meantime, I push through my own
struggles and thank you for hanging with me…and if you haven’t figured it out,
I really need you right about now.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">OK, this is a short one today and I’m NPO (nothing per oral)
after midnight so someone can push their toy down my throat. Damn, I'm hungry! *sigh*</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well, stay strong, and much love to you all.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Music for today is from Evanescance “Bring Me To Life” …
yeah, my mood is a bit out there today.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/FSPU0b7fua8?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">How can you see into
my eyes like open doors?<br />
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb<br />
Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold<br />
Until you find it there and lead it back home</span></i><br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Wake me up (Wake me up
inside<br />
I can't wake up (Wake me up inside)<br />
Save me (Call my name and save me from the dark)<br />
Wake me up (Bid my blood to run)<br />
I can't wake up (Before I come undone)<br />
Save me (Save me from the nothing I've become)</span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now that I know what
I'm without<br />
You can't just leave me<br />
Breathe into me and make me real<br />
Bring me to life</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Wake me up (Wake me up
inside)<br />
I can't wake up<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-86537315393084538632013-10-29T22:51:00.000-06:002013-10-29T22:51:06.492-06:00Alternative Medicine<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I've had quite a number of
well-meaning people suggest “alternative” methods for treating my cancer.
Anything from herbal, homeopathic, and naturopathic remedies to
non-FDA-approved medicines from other countries that come in a conveniently
nondescript envelope, not to mention things like infomercials or flashy web
sites or accu-puncture and energy healing have been sent to me. As much as I
wish that some of these less painful and invasive methods were effectual, I
have never met or heard of any success stories that would sway me to change my
treatment regimen. I’m no big fan of pain and discomfort, but I know people
survive the treatment and within reason, return to their lives as they knew it
before, if not completely.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
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</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--></span></a><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span><a href="http://ts2.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4741344445858605&w=164&h=178&c=7&rs=1&pid=1.7" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://ts2.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4741344445858605&w=164&h=178&c=7&rs=1&pid=1.7" style="height: 178px;" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Rather than going
on a rant, I feel it critically important to anyone considering treating their
cancer with anything less than an established, proven standard of care look at the results
because quite literally, your life is at stake. For a long time, cancer has
been a somewhat academic, almost remote topic thing to me, but over the past
couple of weeks, less so as people I know have lost their battle and another
group receiving their diagnosis. So, I’ll co-opt a rant by a friend of mine who
has walked a parallel treatment path as mine. I’m editing it a bit more to my experience
and writing style, but I agree with his content. I’m also adding my dos
centavos’ worth.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">First, a couple of disclaimers: <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">1)<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"></span><span style="line-height: 107%;">
</span>I <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">loathe</i></b> pharmaceutical commercials.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OK, full disclosures, I hate 99% of
commercials, but especially those put on by big pharma. My take is that I shouldn’t be
lobbying my doctor for what I think the best medication is for me. I will make
sure I am fully informed on what it is that’s going into my body and understand
the side effects beforehand. I am ultimately in charge of my treatment, but we work
together, recognizing the doc is the guy with the training, not me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ironically, I only watch the
commercials on the Super Bowl, but bypass the game. Go figure! Off topic…<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">2)<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"></span><span style="line-height: 107%;">
</span>I feel strongly that no one should lose their standard of living because
they get sick, especially through no fault of their own. Even for people who
have health insurance, cancer has the potential to financially cripple a family
for years if not forever. I hate the thought of someone losing their home because
of medical bills, politics be damned. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">3)<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"></span><span style="line-height: 107%;">
</span>I have been treated through the Department of Veterans’ Affairs. My
standard of care through the VA has been nothing short of world class. My
treatment has been through entirely “Western” or modern methods and protocols.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">4)<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"></span><span style="line-height: 107%;">
</span>I do utilize some alternatives or supplements, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">primarily for comfort</i> (e.g. essential oils, probiotics,
over-the-counter multi-vitamins, etc.) as my medical team has specifically
allowed so as not to interfere with their regimen. I am not anti-alternative as
there is a time and place for these methods.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">5)<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"></span><span style="line-height: 107%;">
</span>I do my best to eat healthy and under normal circumstances, I exercise
several times a week. I rarely use sweeteners or salt and currently, my
exercise regimen is under the supervision of my medical team. When I’m not in
treatment, I’m in the gym five times a week and anyone who knows me at all
frequently sees me on two wheels, on the black diamond slopes, or in a pair of
hiking boots in the Wasatch and Uinta Mountains. I’m an active guy and I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do</i> credit my active lifestyle for how
quickly my body has responded to treatment.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I was diagnosed with Acute
Myeloid Leukemia on February 21 following a series of blood tests and a bone
marrow biopsy which showed 50% blast cells in my marrow. I was told that
without treatment, I had about 90 days to live. That’s a sobering pronouncement
no matter how you slice it. The hematologist/oncologist (hem/onc) insisted on
admitting me right away as the diagnosis indicated a bona fide medical
emergency. That night, I began a battery of tests that confirmed the cytometry
from the biopsy and aggressive chemotherapy began a few days later.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Despite how
you or I feel about big pharma, the manufacturers of the toxic chemical
goodness quite literally saved my life. Yes, the prices of these powerful drugs
is out of the ball park, but there’s no getting around the reason companies are
in business: to make money. Health care is, by nature, humanitarian and it often ventures into the philanthropic, but at the end of the day, pharmaceutical companies have to make money to keep pumping out the drugs that keep us smiling...or alive. The kind of safety, sterile conditions, and
extensive research required to develop, test, and implement the kinds of
specialized drugs suitable for use in the health care market, let alone those
that target specific cancers is exhaustive. There are processes in place to
ensure that when the nurse hooks that IV to my arm, it’s not going to go in and
kill me outright. And because these chemicals are so strong,
medications to offset side effects make the treatment more bearable. All of
this is because of big pharma and as much as I don’t like their advertising,
I’m profoundly grateful for the end product. I’m alive to tell the tale and while I did hurl my fair share into those little green tubs, you can be sure nurse's littler helper, Zofran, made it far less often!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Admittedly, there are
shortcomings in the system and where money is exchanged, corruption, collusion,
and other problems crop up. But because hospitals and pharmaceutical companies
make their report results public, they are closely scrutinized and we learn and
make the right improvements.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"> </span></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The results of these improvements?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"> </span></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">People are winning the battle
against leukemia and other blood cancers whereas just a few years back, I might
have been given an optimal couple of years added to my life with some
rudimentary chemo. Diagnosis to death figures in the 1960s was even more dire
with aggressive leukemia killing in as little as six weeks! Even as few as five
or six years ago, bone marrow transplants were unsuccessful in 30% of recipients.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Advancements in treatment protocols, which
includes improved antifungals, antibiotics, and antiviral medications has
brought treatment related mortality rates to as little as 5%! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Think about
that for a minute.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">With success rates like that,
attacking big pharma is not the answer. Very clearly, we’re winning the war on
blood cancers and we’re now finding that bone marrow transplants are being used
in treating HIV/AIDS with some promising results. No doubt other strains of
cancer are benefitting from advancements in pharmaceutical research and
development, but from my standpoint, I see people living life after cancer…and
that, dear ones, is encouraging and exciting.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And that's especially so to me. I get a second lease on life.</span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">OK, we know
that because of FDA-requirements, the protocols and drugs used in treating cancer
are making a difference. What can we say about alternative or natural medicine?
The argument goes that much of what is in the drugs we take is essentially
synthesized plants, right? My friend Paul (incidentally my daughter’s father
in-law) researched a number of alternative methods and natural therapies
recommended to him, again by well-meaning people and his findings in a
nutshell?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Nada.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He was
unable to find anything verifiable. My research has turned up a lot of
information, but no verifiable results either. More often than not, the
so-called research is a pitch to sell vitamins that could be purchased over the
counter or some supplement offering a panacea for those who are looking for
some sort of second opinion. Often, the enzymes being hocked are no more
efficacious than existing over the counter medications, yet charging
substantially more. Some sites will empirically insist that there are proven
natural methods, but not provide that evidence. Others like </span><span style="color: windowtext;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="http://gerson.org/gerpress/category/testimonials/" target="_blank">Gerson Therapy in San Diego have testimonials</a></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">, but fall short in scientific method.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Everyone else? Nice claims. Wishful thinking. No evidence.</span><span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">People make excuses. "No one will
study these herbs because they can't make money on them." That is just not
true. It's hard to find a natural food claim that hasn't been studied. From my
own situation, I am strongly convinced that good health is critically important
in the role of healing not to mention prevention. We could greatly reduce
cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and many other diseases by eating healthier
and exercising regularly and it’s patently ridiculous to claim that doctors
don't know and don't promote healthy eating and exercise. Without exception,
every visit I’ve had to my doctor before my diagnosis and since, the role of
nutrition and exercise have been emphasized.</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Miracle health, from drinking a</span><span style="line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">ç</span><span style="line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">ai juice, doing Pilates, or
taking colloidal silver, is a fantasy. Colloidal silver, by the way, </span><span style="line-height: 107%;"><a href="http://nccam.nih.gov/health/silver" target="_blank"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="color: blue;">can permanently turn your skin gray if you drink too much of it</span>.</span></a></span><span style="line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"> Oh, yeah, the medical
establishment has studied colloidal silver, too.</span><span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">People with no evidence to back up their claims, and who have no
intention of keeping track of the success of their claims, fire salvos at a
medical establishment are no better than the snake oil salesmen of the 19th
century. Sure, there are still problems in our health care industry, but it is
responsible for almost doubling our life spans over the past century.</span><span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">That said, the responsibility for that quality of life is still up to
us. Eat right, exercise, take care of your body, certainly. Use natural
medicine, herbs, and diet, but don’t throw your doctor out of the equation.
There are limits to natural methods…and cancer is not one to monkey around
with.</span></span><br />
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</span><br />
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">Music for
today from Jordin Sparks – ‘This is My Now”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
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</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">There was a time I packed my dreams away<br />
Living in a shell, hiding from mysellf</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">There was a time when I was so afraid<br />
I thought I'd reached the end, baby that was then<br />
But I am made of more than my yesterdays</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">This is my now and I am breathing in the moment<br />
As I look around I can't believe the love I see<br />
My fear's behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt<br />
That was then, this is my now</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I had to decide, was I gonna to play it safe?<br />
Or look somewhere deep inside, try to turn the tide<br />
And find the strength to take that step of faith</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">This is my now and I am breathing in the moment<br />
As I look around I can't believe the love I see<br />
My fear's behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt<br />
That was then, this is my now</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">But I have a courage like never before, yeah<br />
I've settled for less, but I'm ready for more<br />
Ready for more!<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">This is my now and I am breathing in the moment<br />
As I look around I can't believe the love I see<br />
My fear's behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt<br />
That was then, this is my now!</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I'm living in the moment<br />
As I look around I can't believe the love I see<br />
My fear's behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt<br />
That was then, this is my now, this is my now</span></i><span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: proxnov-reg; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Thanks to Paul Pavao – <a href="http://yippee-leukemia.blogspot.com/2013/06/alternative-and-natural-medicine-rant.html" target="_blank">his original posting can be found here</a>. I refer
to his site on occasion as he is about a year past where I am in
post-transplant AML treatment and my blog tends to be more of a story-telling
where he incorporates more clinical information that I would. I’ve endeavored
to keep the content because I agree with it, but both my focus
and writing style are a bit different.</span><span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-86043087297812886542013-10-26T15:02:00.001-06:002013-10-26T15:02:39.606-06:00Not Just An Academic Exercise<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There are only so many ways to say, “Cancer Sucks,” but it
doesn’t change the facts about the illness and it doesn’t change how I got mine
and it doesn't change who else will find themselves dealing with all the less-than-fun aspects of
“The Emperor of All Maladies.” With some exceptions, it just seems so random. Having
been on the cancer battle lines most of the year, there’s just no getting
around it and it seems like everywhere I turn, people I know are battling with
me not simply as someone who is encouraging me in my own fight, but as someone
who now has entered the fray with their own cancer. It's kinda like all of a sudden noticing the model care you just bought when before they were all invisible. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I gotta say though for me, it’s a truly helpless
feeling to witness someone’s processing that they have cancer, but all I can do
is be candid in offering what I have gone through and be a source of
encouragement, hope, and empathy to others who are now in the fight…and that’s
provided I’ve been invited to be part of that discussion. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLlB10XaDYgebf7pu5oNlD7wF2AnqkzK4pJAphuSb6B8Inf93I7YOKbB4pvnrEgIGd0vSrcULCuX2RWXpQ66VaHa9hlpVLNQen_MN31U-Cm2palBp6PDe1jVZCUFadRAYvVR_rnl_YnaUZ/s1600/Hug+Someone+You+Love.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLlB10XaDYgebf7pu5oNlD7wF2AnqkzK4pJAphuSb6B8Inf93I7YOKbB4pvnrEgIGd0vSrcULCuX2RWXpQ66VaHa9hlpVLNQen_MN31U-Cm2palBp6PDe1jVZCUFadRAYvVR_rnl_YnaUZ/s320/Hug+Someone+You+Love.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The aspect of cancer I haven’t been able to move past is the
obvious – cancer kills. Academically, in my mind, on paper, I get it.
Naturally, that’s one of the first places I went when I made the connection
that leukemia is a blood cancer. What were the statistics that I would survive?
Wasn’t it enough that the hem/onc doctor in front of me pronounced a death
sentence on me of 90 days? I just couldn’t wrap my head around it all. Shoot,
I didn’t even know the questions to ask. My prognosis was pretty positive with a
bone marrow transplant, but even with that, I almost died twice in the space of
a week. And yes, I still haven’t wrapped my head around that either. I just
haven’t quite come to terms with it except that’s what people have told me. It
has been a purely academic exercise, yet it really happened.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then there are those who really, no-kidding, don’t make it.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Twice this week, I’m facing that situation and I’m truly at
a loss for words, but I can’t avoid it. You see, walking into the MTU, it’s not
unlike being a big family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
caregivers and the patients alike are all part of something bigger than
ourselves and we have a good idea of how everyone is doing. We can’t help but
get emotionally attached to each other. People knew more about my situation
than I did when I emerged from the MICU and eventually into outpatient status.
Many of us stay at the same extended stay hotel and we swap stories and ask
after one another. Earlier this week, I met up with a caregiver outside the
laundry room who was commenting how good I looked. I asked after her husband and
she was rather candid in that he wasn’t doing so well as he was out of
remission and rather disappointed because of where that put him in the
transplant process. Somewhere inside of him, he knew there was more to the
picture and even said that he might die. She, rather matter-of-factly
acknowledged as much that it was a possibility, not knowing that the next day,
she would be getting the news that he, in fact, was no longer a good candidate
for a transplant, which essentially translated into him being now a terminal
patient with just a couple of months left on this blue ball. I was just outside the MTU moments after she received the news.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">What do you say?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I sure don’t know…except to go with my gut and simply be
honest. It’s a tough thing to face death, but I have to say that now having
done exactly that, it gives me a sense of peace, but clearly others aren't where I am. I can't impart how I'm feeling to someone else and things can change, too. Shocking, end-of-life news is something everyone processes differently. I’ve said it many times and I’ll
say it again, I have a lot left to do on this earth before I meet my demise and
I honestly hope I get to do it all. But just like the caregiver I refer to
above, the possibility that I may die before then is a possibility. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But I don’t know. I really don’t, so I asked a couple of nurses on the
MTU how they've handled the situation over their tenures. Both have been working in transplant for years and it
wasn’t all that long ago that the kinds of conditions that call for bone marrow
transplants weren’t as successful as they are today. Advancements in
pharmaceuticals have saved countless lives, but the nurses had to be the one to get
families together to say their good-byes many times as the doctors either couldn't or wouldn't. In their experience, it
again came down to being honest with the patient. They said that more often than
not that the patient already knew things were pretty bad before it came to the
point of ‘the talk’ and getting the family to a point of releasing their loved
one with their blessing to move on.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Death and dying aren’t topics that people enjoy talking about,
but evading them can be insensitive at best. Having come close to dying,
myself, I can appreciate how important it is to make final arrangements so that
those who are left grieving don’t have to second guess me, so yeah, I think it’s
vitally important that people know what I think both in the legal and personal
constructs. It’s not a morbid topic, unless of course, I were to dwell on the
topic. With the experiences I’ve had this past week with incurable forms of
cancer striking people I know as well as a couple of others where others are
now starting their dance with the big “C,” I’m scratching my bald
chemo-affected head a bit more than usual. Suffice it to say, there just seems
to be no element of fair play, but then again, when did anyone say that cancer ever
plays fair?</span><br />
<br />
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You can imagine that I’m a bit bummed about watching a
member of our MTU family head home to live out the remaining few months he has…but
at least he has a couple of months left. It’s definitely not a glass-half-full
moment, but there is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">something</i> in
that glass. I’m bummed that I’m hearing from people I know are finding they are
now fighting cancer like I am. But I’m still filled with gratitude that I’m
making it and that there’s hope ahead and that there’s always some modicum of
hope for those just finding out they’re now enlisted in a battle they didn’t
choose either. I still don’t know what to say to the dying except the honest
truth from my own heart because it really isn’t some academic exercise.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s very, very real.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well, stay strong, and much love to you all.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Music for the day from Craig David – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rise and Fall</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em></em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Sometimes in life you
feel the fight is over,<br />
And it seems as though the writings on the wall,<br />
Superstar you finally made it,<br />
But once your picture becomes tainted,<br />
It's what they call,<br />
The rise and fall<br />
<br />
I always said that I was gonna make it,<br />
Now it's plain for everyone to see,<br />
But this game I'm in don't take no prisoners,<br />
Just casualties,</span></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I know that everything is gonna change,<br />
Even the friends I knew before me go,<br />
But this dream is the life I've been searching for,<br />
Started believing that I was the greatest,</span></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"></span></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My life was never gonna be the same,<br />
Cause with the money came a different status,<br />
That's when things change,<br />
Now I'm too concerned with all the things I own,<br />
Blinded by all the pretty girls I see,<br />
I'm beginning to lose my integrity</span></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Sometimes in life you feel the fight is over,<br />
And it seems as though the writings on the wall,<br />
Superstar you finally made it,<br />
But once your picture becomes tainted,<br />
It's what they call,<br />
The rise and fall<br />
<br />
I never used to be a troublemaker,<br />
Now I don't even wanna please the fans,<br />
No autographs,<br />
No interviews,<br />
No pictures,<br />
And less demands,<br />
Given advice that was clearly wrong,<br />
The type that seems to make me feel so right,<br />
But some things you may find can take over your life,<br />
Burnt all my bridges now I've run out of places,<br />
And there's nowhere left for me to turn,<br />
Been caught in compromising situations,<br />
I should have learnt,<br />
From all those times I didn't walk away,<br />
When I knew that it was best to go,<br />
Is it too late to show you the shape of my heart,<br />
<br />
Sometimes in life you feel the fight is over,<br />
And it seems as though the writings on the wall,<br />
Superstar you finally made it,<br />
But once your picture becomes tainted,<br />
It's what they call,<br />
The rise and fall<br />
<br />
Now I know,<br />
I made mistakes,<br />
Think I don't care,<br />
But you don't realize what this means to me,<br />
So let me have,<br />
Just one more chance,<br />
I'm not the man I used to be,<br />
Used to be<br />
<br />
Sometimes in life you feel the fight is over,<br />
And it seems as though the writings on the wall,<br />
Superstar you finally made it,<br />
But once your picture becomes tainted,<br />
It's what they call,<br />
The rise and fall</span><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">As a post script, <a href="http://efuneral.com/what-to-say-to-the-dying/" target="_blank">here are some thoughts on what to say to someone who is dying</a>. It’s not the end-all, but it’s a good start.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-25198954100107585632013-10-23T06:31:00.001-06:002013-10-23T06:31:48.824-06:00Hi-Res Reflections<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There are days when I look in the mirror and wonder who that
guy is staring back. Between the rockin' insta-hair loss, puffy face thanks to the
high-dose of steroids I’ve been prescribed, and the atlas of purple splotches on my stomach
from injections, it’s like the person in the mirror is more of what an older,
beat-up relative might look like. Nope, it really is me and yeah, I look like
hell. No getting around it. But it’s not just the mirror that advertises my bruised
frailty of course. I’m working through recovery from a procedure that has
mortality statistics and has weakened me pretty substantially. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Adding insult to injury, last week, we pulled up to the
unloading zone at the hospital. For me, getting up out of the car isn’t just
the quick two-step it used to be, especially as it uses the same muscles as
going up stairs. Now, once I’m out of the car, I walk just fine, but deep knee
bends and getting up without a little extra bracing aren’t in the cards right
now. It takes both hands and I physically move my legs over to the right as I
get out of the passenger side of the car. A much older
gentleman watched me do this as he came up from behind the car pushing his
walker and said, “Ah, stop acting like an old man.” Why, thank you sir, I’ll
take that under advisement. Atrophy’s a bitch!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve been doing my best to do exactly as the doctors have
been telling me with respect to physical activity, especially as I’m now in the
stage of treatment where we’re monitoring my blood levels very carefully and
adjusting medications accordingly. The doctors have told me that the steroids
will monkey with my emotions and the best thing I can do is stay physically
active, so I have been walking as much as I can. The large city block
surrounding the extended stay hotel is about 1.3 miles and I try to get around
once before heading off to the hospital to get it out of the way and of course
since it’s before the sun comes up, I can avoid any issues with exposure to UV
rays. It also gives me a chance to clear my head of the cobwebs that find their
way in there. Exercise has always been a good thing for me and even these
little morning constitutionals do this here body good.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Being able to do this before heading out requires some
planning the night before, but it seems like my best laid plans still aren’t
enough. The one-stop antibiotic that we had been administering via IV a couple
of times a day at the hotel has a side effect of pushing all of the other blood
chemistry down and at some point, we have to change to a different antibiotic
cocktail. Talking to my attending physician today, he told me that this isn’t
an unusual thing and that I had a longer run than most people get. The one I’m
on now requires a hydration regimen before and after, effectively quadrupling
the time it takes and it’s not something they’ll give us for the hotel, so if I
don’t get a seat in the outpatient treatment room, it means we’ll be at the
hospital until about 5:30 instead of the usual 1:30. Still, as long as I’m not
sleeping at the hospital, it’s a bonus, even if I’m there every day instead of
the Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule. The medical treatment has been a full-time
job regardless. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Rather than drone on about electrolytes and the details of medical fun 101, I want to close out today in honoring the memory of a comrade whom I met
at the Salt Lake City VA during my initial stay there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The social worker had arranged for me to talk with two people who had
been through the transplant process so I’d have a good idea what I was in for,
long-term. It turns out that one of them is actually here with me in Seattle
this week for some follow-up work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dennis
has been cancer free for a number of years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We had a fun dinner last night at a local Irish pub and as usual, his
humor has been something that kept me smiling. His t-shirts are far better than
mine, too! So, between the two of us, we keep the nurses happy too. I found out
through Dennis that the other gentleman, a sober-minded <a href="http://www.maglebymortuary.com/obits/obituary.php?id=321651" target="_blank">Air Force vet named Theron Willardsen</a>, was not so fortunate and as it turns out, passed away just a few
days from his battle with ALL after I last chatted him up at the Salt Lake City VA. I
remember being happy to see him and asked how he'd been.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His response was one that challenged my best
people skills.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The last thing he told me
was, “In about 40 minutes, I’ll be able to tell you whether I need to get my
affairs in order or I’m fine.” I missed circling back with him as I was getting ready to leave town to head up to Seattle for my own transplant. A few days
later, I was on my way northward for a shot at new life and Theron’s own life came
to a rapid close.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">If nothing else, it drove the point home that our mutual foe
doesn’t mess around and that this battle is not something we can take for
granted, ever. I can poke it in the eye, I can dance around its name if I want,
but cancer is not something we can be glib about. It’s going to bring out the
best and worst in a person. It disfigures, it maims, and yes, it kills. And as
much as I don’t like it, I have to be prepared for the worst both in hearing it
from others and in myself. I’ve had to listen to others tell me that they may
not make it and I can’t tell you how tough that is. The silver lining in this
is that now, after nearly dying myself twice in the space of a week, my very
presence in front of these people offers hope that there may indeed be a prayer for the
dying.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0Ex8T94XNQmPXneFvGEJML12T_DGJjukVQG5gixh1t-AAc15_2YPf-LIobI7-0_RJ0komMNZQ2bUOU_WMn8AtIiN9v7sC7FyFDFIT_Bm8BsLgp9LTyT_KDnbuIjdOHVSRVFxcYPBwVmi1/s1600/To+Thine+Ownself+Be+True.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0Ex8T94XNQmPXneFvGEJML12T_DGJjukVQG5gixh1t-AAc15_2YPf-LIobI7-0_RJ0komMNZQ2bUOU_WMn8AtIiN9v7sC7FyFDFIT_Bm8BsLgp9LTyT_KDnbuIjdOHVSRVFxcYPBwVmi1/s1600/To+Thine+Ownself+Be+True.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">As for me, it’s a responsibility of sorts to, in the words
of Shakespeare, “to thine own self be true.” It’s also important to be candid
to my fellow cancer survivors. I can’t offer false hope, but neither can I not
be who I am. I’m naturally a glass-half-full kinda guy, but even if the glass
isn’t half full, there’s always <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">something</i>
in the glass and that’s what I have to work with. On the converse, I’m really
grateful that others have been entirely up front with me about what to expect,
from doctors to acquaintances. Optimism and encouragement? Absolutely! However,
the last thing any of us still fighting the good fight against cancer need is
bravado and sugar-coated platitudes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQX_vmFDfNxLEaVOHHfkXl_YVxsf4MNuwdixVjlkBiiTpdcRWwhrDzhqhJHuqh_1xzZ8_Vw3YphIckAI-5Z5a6LNhz4XYv5E0FmU8dBZ5XQwxaB2guBq3FPrS2U7sq9LchcpA0SmW3OuQq/s1600/Glass+always+has+someething+in+it.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQX_vmFDfNxLEaVOHHfkXl_YVxsf4MNuwdixVjlkBiiTpdcRWwhrDzhqhJHuqh_1xzZ8_Vw3YphIckAI-5Z5a6LNhz4XYv5E0FmU8dBZ5XQwxaB2guBq3FPrS2U7sq9LchcpA0SmW3OuQq/s1600/Glass+always+has+someething+in+it.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It took me a while to really wrap my head around the words
my first hematologist told me that leukemia would kill me within 90 days if I
did nothing. I’d never faced my mortality in real terms even though my chosen
career choice quite literally put my life on the line both in training and on
the battlefront. I just never thought in those terms. We may not have been at
war, but the places I served didn’t care about that – they were. Having stared
death down with a glass far than half full, the guy staring back in the mirror
is getting mighty real. He still cracks a lot of jokes, sometimes just to keep
sane, but more out of the point that life is meant to be lived with great gusto
and with laughter…and yes be authentically to be upheld of the scrutiny of high
resolution.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well, stay strong, and much love to you all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Music for the day from Justin Timberlake - <em>Mirrors<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Aren't you something
to admire, <br />'cause your shine is something like a mirror<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And I can't help but notice, you reflect in
this heart of mine<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">If you ever feel alone and the glare makes me
hard to find<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Just know that I'm always parallel on the
other side<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
'<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket
full of soul<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Just put your hand on the glass, I'm here
trying to pull you through<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You just gotta be strong<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">'Cause I don't wanna lose you now<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I'm looking right at the other half of me<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The vacancy that sat in my heart<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Is a space that now you hold<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
S<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">how me how to fight for now<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Coming back here to you once I figured it out<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You were right here all along<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It's like you're my mirror<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My mirror staring back at me<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I couldn't get any bigger<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">With anyone else beside of me<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And now it's clear as this promise<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">That we're making two reflections into one<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">'Cause it's like you're my mirror<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My mirror staring back at me, staring back at
me<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Aren't you something, an original, </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">'Cause it
doesn't seem merely assembled<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And I can't help but stare 'cause I see truth
somewhere in your eyes<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ooh I can't ever change without you, you
reflect me, I love that about you<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And if I could, I would look at us all the
time<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">'Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket
full of soul<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Just put your hand on the glass, I'm here
trying to pull you through<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You just gotta be strong<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">'Cause I don't wanna lose you now<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I'm looking right at the other half of me<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The vacancy that sat in my heart<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Is a space that now you hold<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Show me how to fight for now<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Coming back here to you once I figured it out<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You were right here all along<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It's like you're my mirror<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My mirror staring back at me<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I couldn't get any bigger<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">With anyone else beside of me<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And now it's clear as this promise<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">That we're making two reflections into one<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">'Cause it's like you're my mirror<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My mirror staring back at me, staring back at
me<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yesterday is history<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Tomorrow's a mystery<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I can see you looking back at me<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Keep your eyes on me<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Baby, keep your eyes on me<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">'Cause I don't wanna lose you now<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I'm looking right at the other half of me<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The vacancy that sat in my heart<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Is a space that now you hold<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Show me how to fight for now (show me baby)<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Coming back here to you once I figured it out<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You were right here all along<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It's like you're my mirror<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My mirror staring back at me<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I couldn't get any bigger<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">With anyone else beside of me<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And now it's clear as this promise<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">That we're making two reflections into one<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">'Cause it's like you're my mirror<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My mirror staring back at me, staring back at
me<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You are you are the
love of my life (x10)<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now you're the inspiration for this precious
song<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And I just wanna see your face light up since
you put me on<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's
already gone<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And I can't wait wait wait wait wait to get
you home<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Just to let you know, you are<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You are you are the
love of my life (x8)<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Girl you're my reflection, all I see is you<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My reflection, in everything I do<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You're my reflection and all I see is you<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My reflection, in everything I do<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You are you are the
love of my life</span></i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-49548018760090149222013-10-20T05:12:00.001-06:002013-10-20T05:15:34.068-06:00Escape<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My final deployment as a naval officer involved
circumnavigating the South American continent. As the sole aviator on a
destroyer squadron staff, I was responsible for all air operations, diplomatic
clearances, and scheduling among the flotilla of ships that were part of a
series of naval exercises called UNITAS. I was embarked with the commodore in
the flagship <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">USS Moosbrugger</i>, a
Spruance class destroyer, then home ported in Mayport, FL. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7iNum0gkZgbFx-D7WqPMIm8U9ntKAthNR2rvC2e3ekafjFvtv3lmJtN8gZF-p-ETO5AJxQ-KI7B2O2yTpOoBnqUvhEhISinOPnRPPQ2vSdJliWnVR_fLIwe-ZFKo8iUBS4j3rM0pLiBrz/s1600/USSMoosbrugger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7iNum0gkZgbFx-D7WqPMIm8U9ntKAthNR2rvC2e3ekafjFvtv3lmJtN8gZF-p-ETO5AJxQ-KI7B2O2yTpOoBnqUvhEhISinOPnRPPQ2vSdJliWnVR_fLIwe-ZFKo8iUBS4j3rM0pLiBrz/s320/USSMoosbrugger.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">USS Moosbrugger - DD 980. <span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><em>This was the flagship I was embarked in during my last deployment</em></span></span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><em> in 1998.</em></span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiueg8kgY0gCP9_V4utgtE_znchML9lVeS4U3woKOevotNDOMqbD0akaK8RaLbxwbOTY92IRLe6L0lmOyNw6-a8VW2a87FFg_5bsksh0kOHP6snPqcHo1EeOoUppooUTSUA5LaeZoshe6Gr/s1600/Corcavado.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiueg8kgY0gCP9_V4utgtE_znchML9lVeS4U3woKOevotNDOMqbD0akaK8RaLbxwbOTY92IRLe6L0lmOyNw6-a8VW2a87FFg_5bsksh0kOHP6snPqcHo1EeOoUppooUTSUA5LaeZoshe6Gr/s1600/Corcavado.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><em>Corcavado Mountain with "Sugarloaf" in the background.</em></span><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiErfWqYV549tbBf5RRHAG3LTfkuNhgGdrXixkzUm3RHzOHsEC9aOqpSwqrnKye2D3VNITf-8AiIEcj-S8bZ0IR4fCMSfkwSzHddkiq4Qi1kzxG856-vCHbCsyenI13WB2rSaDWC_ZDOiQs/s1600/favelas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiErfWqYV549tbBf5RRHAG3LTfkuNhgGdrXixkzUm3RHzOHsEC9aOqpSwqrnKye2D3VNITf-8AiIEcj-S8bZ0IR4fCMSfkwSzHddkiq4Qi1kzxG856-vCHbCsyenI13WB2rSaDWC_ZDOiQs/s320/favelas.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><em>These "favela" shanties dot the countryside around Rio</em></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">One of the first ports we visited was Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.
Naturally, a group of us took a cab up the Corcavado mountain with its iconic <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Chriso Redentor</i> statue. After taking the
requisite tourist pictures, we headed back down to wander around the waterfront
to see if we’d actually see another icon – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the
girl from Ipanema!</i> Well, there were probably a lot. What struck me was not
the beach, but the scenery on the way down. The juxtaposition from the famed
statue and what was on the road was something that has kept with me all these
years. Crammed on the verdant mountain that is the foundation for this whitened
statue is Rio’s also-famed <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">favelas</i> –
a sprawling corrugated tin shanty town. At the time, even more amazing was that
among these tin shacks were huge 8’ satellite dishes everywhere. As someone who
works with electrical contracting and engineering, I can’t fathom the safety issues
between the rainforest, the metal shacks, and these oversized dishes! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Riding by in the air-conditioned cab, the vision of
desperation to escape that kind of squalor has never left me.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Fast forward 15 years.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The favelas still cover Rio and I’m sure there are some
holdout gargantuan satellite dishes although miniaturization has,
without a doubt, changed what the favela landscape looks like, not unlike our own here
in the States. There are the smaller dishes dotting the Southern side of some homes, but we're pretty much wireless, so most public places here are filled with people so tuned
into their personal electronic spaces they’re practically oblivious to the
people sitting next to them. People get together and they spend more time
looking at their phone for the latest status update and text than each other.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Last Sunday I read a rather <a href="http://seattletimes.com/html/opinion/2022022420_leonardpittscolumn13xml.html" target="_blank">disturbing op-ed piece in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Seattle Times</i> by Leonard Pitts, Jr.</a> that
drove that point home. It would have been funny, “except that somebody died,”
he wrote. A 30 year-old passenger on a San Francisco light rail train had a .45
caliber pistol and like some<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> Saturday
Night Live</i> skit gone awry, pulled the gun out and pointed it across the
aisle, put it back, pulling it out several times. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">But no one notices!</i> Why? Because they’re too wrapped up in their
smart phones, iPads, and computers to pay attention that the guy next to them
has a lethal weapon out. Now, we’re talking about a crowded commuter train
here, but everyone is too engrossed in Facebook, Tweets, and Angry Birds.
According to police, Pitts continues, the gunman shot a 20 year-old college
student exiting the train. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">That got
people’s attention</i>.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">If anything, it reinforced something that leukemia has
proven beyond any shadow of a doubt to me: technology has trained us to look
for connection, but the human spirit – and I must add the physical body – won’t
be satisfied by its electronic placebo. I’ve been pretty vocal about how
grateful I am for such a good support network I have in my family and friends.
That, in addition to being in good physical shape before this all went down has
made a tremendous difference in my recovery. I certainly wouldn’t have built up
the network for such an occasion as this, but it’s investing in people that
made it possible, to be sure.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp9mD4CggR3SwOJU2AS5ZZtzTbfHcRUNkixX1cJOS5CYfVIinU219yNfg6fVGlq6uKutewNG6AKRTmedK0zPJlwmRIFdm2D81ugwZrotfvE7wo_jHUThWN4Q8lAiXipNoF9jpwkjY_nO1q/s1600/IMG_0360.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp9mD4CggR3SwOJU2AS5ZZtzTbfHcRUNkixX1cJOS5CYfVIinU219yNfg6fVGlq6uKutewNG6AKRTmedK0zPJlwmRIFdm2D81ugwZrotfvE7wo_jHUThWN4Q8lAiXipNoF9jpwkjY_nO1q/s320/IMG_0360.JPG" width="213" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The really great thing about all this is that it emphasized
who my <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">friends</i> really were as opposed
to acquaintances. That’s not a bad thing, of course. Friendship takes some time
to cultivate while being an acquaintance is easy and effortless. Friendship
requires investment of time and emotion while being an acquaintance can be a
no-strings attached relationship. But friendship has so many long-term rewards.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The other thing leukemia has shown me is that escape is
futile. The guy brandishing the .45 was figuratively sitting next to me and I
sure didn’t see the gun pointing at me. I’m just as guilty as all of those
commuters on the train and just like the college student exiting the train, I
got nailed by a bullet to the back of the head with “acute myeloid leukemia”
written on it and landed in the hospital. So, for the better part of the year,
I’ve been dealing with something I cannot escape, regardless of the electronics
I log on to every day. Blind dumb luck, I guess?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The irony of leukemia is that it has brought me closer to my
friends and family <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> I have been
using electronics to keep in touch with acquaintances to possibly turn those
loose relationships into friendships. I honestly didn’t see that one coming.
Mostly, I was and am still expecting some sort of internal refocusing. After
all, this is far from over. But like anything, the proverbial <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">paralysis of analysis</i> is something I’ve
stumbled on before and I think I don’t want to go back there. I’m actually
pretty good with letting the dust settle on life’s heavy lessons here and
enjoying simply being alive. Those lessons I’ve learned so far through this
aren’t going away any time soon and I have no desire to escape them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yeah, I’m still human and no doubt, I’d like to escape my
frail body right now and head off to Hawaii to soak in the tropics (Yes, good
doctors, nurses and Mom, I’ll be compliant and wearing appropriate clothing and
my SPF 50+ sunscreen! I ain’t doin’ this again!), but I’ve still got a lot of
work to do to be ready to truly enjoy it.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Those afflicted with Hanson’s Disease (aka leprosy) and some
form of diabetes yearn to have the sensation of pain and on more than an
insignificant number of occasions, I’ve had to embrace the pain, not because I’m
a masochist, but because it is a gift to remind us that we live and struggle…and
we triumph over it. And we not only survive, but we thrive. To do less is
stagnation which ultimately leads to decay and death. I’m not ready to go
there. There’ll be a time, but not today. Not today.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">For today, I’m working on rehabilitating my muscles slowly
and deliberately on my own and working lock-step with my medical team to make
sure I’m healing internally and based on everything I’m hearing, things are
thankfully moving along well.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Thank you for keeping with me on this very long process. No
one plans on cancer, but neither does one plan on being a friend. It’s all
better life through all kinds of chemistry, right?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well (please!), stay strong, and as always, much love to
you all.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today’s music from The Newsboys – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Something Beautiful<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://img.youtube.com/vi/_H0pUbDCk5g/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/_H0pUbDCk5g&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/_H0pUbDCk5g&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I wanna start it over<br />
I wanna start again<br />
I want a new beginning<br />
One without an end</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I feel it inside<br />
Calling out to me</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s a voice that whispers my
name<br />
Its a kiss without any shame<br />
Something beautiful, yeah, yeah</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Like a song that stirs in my
head<br />
Singing love will take us where<br />
Something's beautiful</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve heard it in the silence<br />
Seen it on a face<br />
I’ve felt it in a long hour<br />
Like a sweet embrace</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I know this is true<br />
It's calling out to me</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s a voice that whispers my
name<br />
It's a kiss without any shame<br />
Something beautiful, yeah, yeah</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Like a song that stirs in my
head<br />
Singing love will take us where<br />
Something's beautiful</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s the child on her wedding
day<br />
It’s the daddy that gives her away<br />
Something beautiful, yeah, yeah</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">When we laugh so hard, we cry<br />
Oh, the love between you and I<br />
Something beautiful</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s a voice that whispers my
name<br />
It’s a kiss without any shame<br />
Something beautiful, yeah, yeah</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Like a song that stirs in my
head<br />
Singing love will take us where<br />
Something's beautiful</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s the child on her wedding
day<br />
It’s the daddy that gives her away<br />
Something beautiful</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">When we laugh so hard, we cry<br />
Yes, the love between you and I<br />
Something beautiful<br />
Something beautiful</span></span></i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-35088541382449692852013-10-17T07:17:00.003-06:002013-10-19T08:17:45.758-06:00Copping an Attitude (the good kind!)<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve found in my rambling thoughts that I often come
full-circle on a number of similar topics that seem to debut, bounce around my
cerebral cortex for a while, register some sort of reaction, and then move on
to the great baggage carousel in my mind. I pick up a new designer bag of a
topic and deal with it, and at some point when that first one
comes back around I take another look at it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This time around, though, I’ve somehow changed internally; my threshold
of pain is higher or perhaps I’m weaker for that matter; or maybe I just see a
different side to that rugged North Face duffle where I’m keeping all my
emotional baggage.</span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAZ1DkMfZG00A_pSk0WTZy_H4W9qLvZlicuzkoO1Nz21vSrKftvvJIcT69kyxpQMMqXO10fvJlCM_4tTx0g-c1y7Plq5MO_1Ba2gxwaY0osQYbHQj0igTZACw7z9K1XV2sIWaLrgY3qIm5/s1600/IMG_0358%255B1%255D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAZ1DkMfZG00A_pSk0WTZy_H4W9qLvZlicuzkoO1Nz21vSrKftvvJIcT69kyxpQMMqXO10fvJlCM_4tTx0g-c1y7Plq5MO_1Ba2gxwaY0osQYbHQj0igTZACw7z9K1XV2sIWaLrgY3qIm5/s200/IMG_0358%255B1%255D.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit_hBUvC-32HGVrgUA84kUeGl18CgsV4L1pTFiH9Cqe59cq4AkQ_ybylCX8105B0VA-ViK8kZrT3Pd8WM_6ayHeDnanBPKTazssC4dWzByLJ9sMp20GQeExnyewYP4qDkpI0pQi1a5BuMt/s1600/Cancer+is+my+bitch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit_hBUvC-32HGVrgUA84kUeGl18CgsV4L1pTFiH9Cqe59cq4AkQ_ybylCX8105B0VA-ViK8kZrT3Pd8WM_6ayHeDnanBPKTazssC4dWzByLJ9sMp20GQeExnyewYP4qDkpI0pQi1a5BuMt/s1600/Cancer+is+my+bitch.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><em>On the left, this is the t-shirt that turns the heads in the hallway and the doctors make the most comments about...and hey, it does make the statement, doesn't it? (and I won't take it lying down...or maybe I had to on occasion) On the right, I had to hang the "name your poison sign on my door. I saw the sign, ostensibly to go over someone's home pub and knew it was for me!</em></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">One of the very first designer bags of topics I picked up that
I decided – and then discovered was entirely true – was that my attitude toward
putting cancer squarely in the rear view mirror would play a pivotal role in
how well and how fast it would actually happen. I read about it, talked about
it, shared experiences with other cancer survivors about it and it was
unanimous: however else you approach this bad boy, a positive outlook mixed
with a dash of humor is crucial. Now, these several months after that decision,
I can tell you without a doubt that it has not only made my life possible and
my healing move along well, it has made those around me push the process along,
doubling my own efforts. It almost sounds cliché to say something like that,
but all I can go on is experience and it has made all the difference in the
world.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have a bit of a reputation for my t-shirts, hats, and door
signs poking cancer in the eye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From the
medical staff to the support staff (including the guy who empties the trash and
cleans the room), everyone knows me by first name and when I came back from the
MICU, in addition to the high quality standard of care I would naturally expect, the genuine concern shone through on
people’s faces.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can put on a plastic
smile for effect, but you can’t manufacture the real thing. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And even today, </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was reminded during my outpatient caretime of just
how real the empathy is among all of MTU patients, their caregivers and on
the part of the staff. Another patient I met just before starting my own
transplant had finished his inpatient phase, and was discharged over the
weekend. He’s a bit older than I am and had a bit of a rough go for a few days.
His gratitude shone through the incipient tears of being alive, of being on the
road to more years of time with his family, and doing the things he loves. It was
almost palpable and that lump in my throat was lock-step with his. The
conversation in the room became more authentic rather than simply comparing
scars with each other, and let’s face it, we all have some good ones. Even
though none of them are the kind you can see, they’re very, very real.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVM9mih0wJ_eh6kiMj8R4Dn2IUPHbqtFbm9qlpaSQVQicWXMc38fS4cU7EpWcyZCXsUp8Z8F_QVeEj6Sj2RmyWQsthZxH753cGc1LI8awTMhIYeL-su2eB0sk-w1jTCj10t4tITDCZz99b/s1600/IMG_0368.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="288" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVM9mih0wJ_eh6kiMj8R4Dn2IUPHbqtFbm9qlpaSQVQicWXMc38fS4cU7EpWcyZCXsUp8Z8F_QVeEj6Sj2RmyWQsthZxH753cGc1LI8awTMhIYeL-su2eB0sk-w1jTCj10t4tITDCZz99b/s320/IMG_0368.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It reminded me of the courage each and every one of us had
to submit to a regimen that actually takes some of us out and without a doubt, the treatment is just plain
downright unpleasant and painful, yet it saved our lives. The treatment may
rival the disease some days, to be sure, but we live to fight another day and it somehow makes it worth all the crap we go through. There have been days, honestly where I’ve struggled with whether I could do this or not and I’m sure
I’m not alone in that lack of courage, but like so many other things I’ve
endeavored in my life, I've had to simply put one foot in front of the other and hope my body
carries me forward. Some may chalk it up to intestinal fortitude or toughness and to be sure, there's an element of that in there, but without people holding my hand and encouraging me, bravado and courage are the least of my worries. It's a tough, long haul...it's where attitude <em>must</em> collide with my lack. And I take the next step.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have heard rumblings from people that it was touch and go for
me at one point and that I had apparently stopped breathing, but again, it’s an academic
thing. It’s not something I remember, so the trauma was what happened afterward
in being hooked up to a machine that helped me breathe for a few days, unable
to communicate without the help of an old-school clipboard and ball point pen. I
found out just a few days ago that statistically, I had a scant 2% chance of
making it out alive from that procedure, yet somehow I beat that. At the time,
it was again, one foot in front of the other, unaware of the odds. But after
all is said and done, I think the sentiment that comes to mind is something a
brave young girl named Malala Yousufzai said in an interview with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Daily Show’s </i>Jon Stewart I saw the
other night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She told him, “Nothing
becomes precious until it is snatched from our hands.” Malala is the 16
year-old nominated for the Nobel for her courageous stand against the Taliban
for girls’ education in her native Pakistan…and getting shot in the face for
it. Indeed, one more example of if someone can endure a gunshot to the face for
a principle, I can certainly be connected to a machine. Even in my worst of
times, I’ve found that I am so very fortunate and so very filled with gratitude
that I only battle cancer of all things. It’s not like someone’s holding a gun
to my head! I’ll heal and the ordeal I’m working through now will fade over
time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFSwO71jVQVzV_jfUaHKFkJmqeBUsuS5dJ2ywBzLPnf4o9UWW3HH-hFnmA9A5wsANOfyLlgZZfeZoDVzgq94xONHx8JrOPQ3Q5wO12J5ZMXq9krXLmG6nxkBQk_u3bZxXxTcq9fzER5Raq/s1600/Malala+Quote.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFSwO71jVQVzV_jfUaHKFkJmqeBUsuS5dJ2ywBzLPnf4o9UWW3HH-hFnmA9A5wsANOfyLlgZZfeZoDVzgq94xONHx8JrOPQ3Q5wO12J5ZMXq9krXLmG6nxkBQk_u3bZxXxTcq9fzER5Raq/s320/Malala+Quote.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yeah, there are some tough days ahead to make the good ones even better, but my steps are getting a bit more assertive and assured and even the stairs are becoming less daunting. I harbor no illusion that this is going to be at all easy of course, but I'm making it. My attitude hasn’t changed appreciably except in resolving
to make the very most of the days I have left, whether it be 5 years or 50, and
yeah, I’m rooting for 50 <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">good</i> years
ahead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have so much left to do, most
of which I haven’t the faintest idea of what I’m supposed to be doing.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But I’m not going to wait for some sort of sign. Life isn’t
on hold because of an illness and I won’t be defined by my medical condition.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">As one example, I’ve felt strongly for some months in
sponsoring a child and it took somebody standing out in front of an art museum
with a smile and a clipboard to push me off the bench of my own
self-introspection to actually do it. All of my own children are grown and
moving into their own adulthood, so I had no excuse really. Another commitment
is to write a book out of my experiences in leukemia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are a lot of books on cancer and the
clinical sides of things, but I just found myself overwhelmed by the medical
facts and figures when I just needed something else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m hoping to offer some humor, anecdotes,
advice, and a little pokin’ in the eye of the foe of the battle none of us
chose. I’m sure more will surface over time, but I’m not putting 8 irons in the
fire like I used to. Perhaps a couple to keep things interesting, but I think
the good ol’ bad ol’ days of so-called multi-tasking may be a thing of the
past. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWovHSPAS6q3mMO6RUkLfWGbaS1G9FF80_QcZqLnTXBxGvihxgFlKdE5hQ0OpQj4GXIoDAaONCSZelaBuuMEj28tKy_rNgU7tLS-52YW_tCSVph-bkCiVdLeTgyB4wWz-ZbxpGVsm39rKN/s1600/Guillermo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWovHSPAS6q3mMO6RUkLfWGbaS1G9FF80_QcZqLnTXBxGvihxgFlKdE5hQ0OpQj4GXIoDAaONCSZelaBuuMEj28tKy_rNgU7tLS-52YW_tCSVph-bkCiVdLeTgyB4wWz-ZbxpGVsm39rKN/s320/Guillermo.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><em>This is Guillermo. He is 10 years old and lives in Guatemala. After a lot of research into these kinds of charitable organizations, I elected to go with <a href="https://www.children.org/" target="_blank">Children International</a>. Yup, I decided to get off the fence and make a difference. Whatever you do to change the world in a positive direction, I thank you!</em></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Let life be enjoyed and lived, not endured. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Carpe diem</i> and all that other Latin
stuff!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well, stay strong, and as much love to you all!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Music today from Leeann Rimes – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Life Goes On</i></span></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/Elk6NXBHjBg?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Life
goes on<br />
Life goes on</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
You sucked me in<br />
And played my mind<br />
Just like a toy<br />
You would crank and wind</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Baby, I would give till you wore it out<br />
You left me lyin' in a pool of doubt<br />
And you're still thinkin' you're the Daddy Mac<br />
You should've known better but you didn't and I can't go back<br />
<br />
Oh, life goes on and it's only gonna make me strong<br />
It's a fact, once you get on board<br />
Say good-bye 'cause you can't go back<br />
Oh, it's a fight, and I really wanna get it right<br />
Where I'm at, is my life before me<br />
And this feelin' that I can't go back<br />
<br />
Life goes on<br />
Life goes on<br />
Life goes on<br />
<br />
Wish I knew then<br />
What I know now<br />
You held all the cards<br />
And sold me out<br />
<br />
Baby shame on you, if you fool me once<br />
Shame on me if you fool me twice<br />
You've been a pretty hard case to crack<br />
I should've known better but I didn't and I can't go back<br />
<br />
Oh, life goes on, and it's only gonna make me strong<br />
It's a fact, once you get on board<br />
Say good-bye 'cause you can't go back<br />
Oh, it's a fight and I really wanna get it right<br />
Where I'm at, is my life before me<br />
And this feelin' that I can't go back<br />
<br />
Na, na, na<br />
Life goes on<br />
Na, na, na<br />
It made me strong<br />
Oh, yeah, got a feeling that I can't go back<br />
<br />
Life goes on, and it's only gonna make me strong<br />
Life goes on and on and on<br />
<br />
Shame on you, if you fool me once<br />
Shame on me if you fool me twice<br />
You've been a pretty hard case to crack<br />
I should've known better but I didn't and I can't go back<br />
<br />
Oh, life goes on, and it's only gonna make me strong<br />
It's a fact, once you get on board<br />
Say good-bye cause you can't go back<br />
Oh, it's a fight and I really wanna get it right<br />
Where I'm at, is my life before me<br />
And this feelin' that I can't go back<br />
<br />
Na, na, na<br />
Life goes on<br />
Na, na, na<br />
It made me strong<br />
Oh, yeah<br />
Gotta feelin' that I can't go back<br />
<br />
Na, na, na<br />
Life goes on<br />
Na, na, na<br />
It made me strong<br />
Oh, yeah<br />
Gotta feelin' that I can't go back<br />
<br />
Na, na, na<br />
Life goes on<br />
Na, na, na<br />
It made me strong<br />
Oh, yeah<br />
Gotta feelin' that I can't go back<br />
<br />
Na, na, na<br />
Life goes on<br />
Na, na, na<br />
It made me strong<br />
Oh, yeah<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-53020789881128622302013-10-14T16:14:00.000-06:002013-10-16T23:28:56.761-06:00A Day in the Life<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">When I got my diagnosis, I really couldn’t wrap my head
around what leukemia was. I had no idea that it was a blood cancer, and I certainly
had no idea that treating this bastard was such a long-term affair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There have been of myriad of complicated,
interrelated details that boggle the imagination, literally hundreds of medical
and support staff rotating from one organization (within the VA system and
other institutions), thousands of shiny, jagged pills, IVs, syringes, scans,
probes, swabs, tests, biopsies, consults, and so much more. How does anyone
keep track of it all? The simple answer is not that I have to rise to the
occasion, but rather work together with them all and my caregiving team to make
it work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one can do this solo. Just ain’t
no way, my friend!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I thought what I’d do today is give you a guided tour of
what a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">routine</i> day is like to give you an idea of all the people involved as well as some context of what life is like. It’s very
much like an inpatient day except that I get to leave when the doctors give me
the OK that I’m still healthy and self-sufficient to be an outpatient at the
end of each day. It’s obviously a big bonus for the little things like choosing
what kind of food you want to eat, sleeping in a bed that is more comfortable
and not getting awakened or interrupted by someone wanting to poke, prod, or
otherwise molest you at any given hour! Yeah, big bonus there. Remember, I have
a great soft spot for nurses, but checking my vitals at 1:00 a.m. when I’m
actually sleeping? Ah, yeah, those were the days…and hopefully not to be
repeated any time soon.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The bone marrow transplant process is nothing short of a
chemical miracle in my mind. It’s hard for me to really grasp the significance
of this little bag of someone else’s stem cells being infused into my arm being
fruitful and multiplying into enough of a life-saving force to engraft to my
own body and be formidable enough to fight off any remaining leukemia that
might be in my system after that lovely toxic chemical goodness has done its
good and perfect work on decimating my own immune system…yet it is and it has!
It is a truly drastic and extreme life-saving measure and as I was told before
I got here, I would be taken to death’s door and brought back. Once again, I
was quite literally there and I’m back and working through the process toward restoration and healing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The transplant process here has a rough timeline that takes
about 100 days, some more, some less depending on how one’s body reacts to all
the pharmacopeia and of course the transplant itself – and there is a whole
mess of it every day to keep on top of. Day 1 is actually the day one receives
the stem cells even though the treatment begins before getting them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are variations on the transplant
depending on who provides the stem cells. An “autologous” transplant, for
example is where the patient provides his or her own stem cells for later use
while those like me who needed a donor receive an “allogeneic” transplant. Then
there are two subsets of each of these – a mini or a full <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">myeloablative</i> transplant. I had “the full monty” as people were
calling it because of my younger age and ability to withstand the more arduous
process. Trust me, it was indeed an arse-kicker, but there should be fewer
complications down the line and I skirted the one key part of treatment that I
just couldn’t reconcile: total body irradiation. <br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, 42 days of inpatient fun later, I was discharged to be
on outpatient treatment. What, you may ask, do I do during these days
post-transplant at the hospital each day? Let’s begin with my virtual tour from
the fabulous Marriott Towneplace Suites in Renton, WA! The VA puts my sons and
me up in a two-bedroom suite with a small kitchenette. It’s a comfortable space
and the people here have taken good care of us, but you all know we’d rather be
home…not a bad home away from home considering the circumstances.<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqzR_CCccZiq2Hulr3EgdG-Y7fXdnJjwVpmFi3O7EcdgnRL_qG3MD7zZ4FcZ46TaRbB75nc0T_go5-UjygxBa8O2VY056dpy6Nuxj0wsbMugtWnUQ3UGi8iBQ62y_iitVFYlB_EV0WPUnV/s1600/IMG_0464.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqzR_CCccZiq2Hulr3EgdG-Y7fXdnJjwVpmFi3O7EcdgnRL_qG3MD7zZ4FcZ46TaRbB75nc0T_go5-UjygxBa8O2VY056dpy6Nuxj0wsbMugtWnUQ3UGi8iBQ62y_iitVFYlB_EV0WPUnV/s320/IMG_0464.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I have always been squeamish about self-injections, but thanks to the high-dose steroids, my blood sugar is off the charts. So, four times a day, I have to check my blood sugar and inject myself on a sliding scale of insulin just like someone with diabetes. My stomach isn't so pretty right now and for all the effort I have put in to trying to flatten my gut out, I'm actually rather grateful to have a bit of belly fat right now! This is a temporary thing, thankfully, and as the steroids are tapering off, this will go away as well. For the time, it's part of my daily regimen.</span></em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</span></span> </div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My day starts with taking care of one of the side effects of
the high dose of steroids I’ve been prescribed – monitoring and correcting for
high blood sugar. And no, dear ones, they’re not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i> kind of steroids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
anything, they do the exact opposite and are eating away my muscle so I have to
be mindful to be active. Someone had posted on my Facebook page that with all the weight I was losing and the steroids, I'd be ripped when I came back. I can only wish. But, in my case, just like a diabetic, I get to inject myself with insulin four times a
day as the steroids throw my blood sugar through the roof. Before treatment, my
blood glucose levels were absolutely normal. For now, I get to poke my fingers
to test for blood sugar levels and then based on how high the numbers are inject
myself with the appropriate amount of insulin before each meal and before bed.
Lovely way to start the day, huh? I also check my blood pressure and
temperature and I’m eating quite a bit differently than I might have otherwise.
This is truly an education in nutrition and self-control as well as the medical side of things
as we go along. <br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> <br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS8y_VObZVuB5dsktlTsM2Q9ngibUn6x2xcebSZ8ZKvUiHmfJ0Sx-id7uNs_lMfIWhRZvrsbbOcFsmm-CznQSDEE8fFy8kfCcoFsPbsKnlaF1Q9Z-NzDH5swDeQwZe5LSEpjpgEJN7iAu9/s1600/IMG_0482.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS8y_VObZVuB5dsktlTsM2Q9ngibUn6x2xcebSZ8ZKvUiHmfJ0Sx-id7uNs_lMfIWhRZvrsbbOcFsmm-CznQSDEE8fFy8kfCcoFsPbsKnlaF1Q9Z-NzDH5swDeQwZe5LSEpjpgEJN7iAu9/s320/IMG_0482.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Yup...it's a typical Seattle morning - rainy and / or foggy! Our commute route takes us past one of the many, many, many Starbuck's shops. Austin, my chauffeur, knows them all and not so surprisingly, they know him!</span></em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8ECrXRzX8hk3xQPVXknpmCY-0-qlJKmzkWbqMP8M5s2zOorUqHZIr2V5ffCSDxnc53bkMAzH0mhPd-87vy6U3As3UN2QJW9AJGSbjJ_RFXHDjZ3mqWJUNycF7ezdQykq3qddeMz3hcenm/s1600/IMG_0465.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8ECrXRzX8hk3xQPVXknpmCY-0-qlJKmzkWbqMP8M5s2zOorUqHZIr2V5ffCSDxnc53bkMAzH0mhPd-87vy6U3As3UN2QJW9AJGSbjJ_RFXHDjZ3mqWJUNycF7ezdQykq3qddeMz3hcenm/s320/IMG_0465.PNG" width="213" /></a></div>
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</div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimmIqI6BaPGoxJLYBzDYjR3dssLrMvVj3I-Q6OlaDxyN9p3HBuH1clWzCizc4iVD6bjrG4PmafC6813QkSH4KDuX7jysjfJFEqh4qgCBzkHzsEzNNpbok8gGuqfjdzff9ItaUItOMMwd2W/s1600/Seattle+VA+Hospital.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimmIqI6BaPGoxJLYBzDYjR3dssLrMvVj3I-Q6OlaDxyN9p3HBuH1clWzCizc4iVD6bjrG4PmafC6813QkSH4KDuX7jysjfJFEqh4qgCBzkHzsEzNNpbok8gGuqfjdzff9ItaUItOMMwd2W/s320/Seattle+VA+Hospital.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"> From the front of the Seattle VA Hospital - As much time as I spend here, it feels like home away from home...except that it isn't. It's actually quite the sprawling complex behind this façade.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: small;"></span></em> </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After a quick shower, I run over to our hotel continental
breakfast and grab a quick bite and take about 20 different pills for various
things including liver, kidney, electrolyte, and immuno-suppressant functions.
Anti-rejection drugs come along later in the day after my blood draw at the
hospital. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Off to the hospital in the characteristic rain and we are
typically on the surface route instead of the Interstate. The traffic going
toward the city isn’t unlike my memories of SoCal, but not quite as many lanes
to accommodate all the many cars.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I won’t
take the time to criticize Seattle drivers, but I will say they’re a lot nicer
face-to-face. Let’s leave it at that.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">At the hospital, it’s back to the Bone Marrow Transplant
Unit where it feels like a family and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Cheers</i>
where everybody knows your name. There, we take our turns in the outpatient
room, getting our routine blood draws and the IVs that are on our treatment
plan. In the picture here, I’m getting my PICC line dressing changed. That’s a
weekly occurrence, but it’s painless and it keeps me from getting stuck with a
regular IV needle every time I come in, so while it really hurt going in, it
has saved me a huge amount of discomfort over the months in getting blood draws
and IVs otherwise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other patients get
something called a Hickman port which is essentially the same thing I have
except it is installed over the chest and has three “lumens” or ports instead
of my two. Since I was an allogeneic patient, I didn’t need the Hickman. The
amount of time we spend in the outpatient room can vary on the number of
different treatments we need during the day. For me, it’s routinely two
hour-long IVs, the blood draw, and occasionally, I get something else. By the
time I’m done, it’s about noon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The lab
turns around the blood chemistry results pretty quickly and we’ve all been
taught what to look for.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjac_Oto5Pg7FBy1ia-Ob5Rm6JLicOl2365tw1Uv23UYie1avG5wqiFRuaoR7yO79BCLlWLc5RoCEkdRFstVgqQmUEYw5cWjh7hINp-Z0msLyEmnlp7hldF38MMSaTWERph3Beg0nhHdgHm/s1600/IMG_0475.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjac_Oto5Pg7FBy1ia-Ob5Rm6JLicOl2365tw1Uv23UYie1avG5wqiFRuaoR7yO79BCLlWLc5RoCEkdRFstVgqQmUEYw5cWjh7hINp-Z0msLyEmnlp7hldF38MMSaTWERph3Beg0nhHdgHm/s320/IMG_0475.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
<em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This is the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit where it all happens - 4th floor. Behind the doors to the left is the ultra-sterile environment where I lived in a fishbowl for 7 weeks (less my two unplanned excursions to the MICU) and where I go each day for my outpatient visits.</span> </em><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuh2zfCXcMXYgRlMwgEn8m8nGR2yFDB0QUjF0YOJ6fUOncLLlqzZjmnSA6KvHP9UHHpTiqg8Lgz_xDZDHoOdOBxr_lYA8oDRdb9FaJQuqoNprkDXg_6-8Vp182My1UEJZlfP3uwnuyRwcn/s1600/Outpatient.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuh2zfCXcMXYgRlMwgEn8m8nGR2yFDB0QUjF0YOJ6fUOncLLlqzZjmnSA6KvHP9UHHpTiqg8Lgz_xDZDHoOdOBxr_lYA8oDRdb9FaJQuqoNprkDXg_6-8Vp182My1UEJZlfP3uwnuyRwcn/s1600/Outpatient.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuh2zfCXcMXYgRlMwgEn8m8nGR2yFDB0QUjF0YOJ6fUOncLLlqzZjmnSA6KvHP9UHHpTiqg8Lgz_xDZDHoOdOBxr_lYA8oDRdb9FaJQuqoNprkDXg_6-8Vp182My1UEJZlfP3uwnuyRwcn/s320/Outpatient.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">There are four of these comfy chairs that recline while we get our IVs (could be any number of things. Some patients get chemo, but since I had a full myeloablative transplant, I'm very much finished with chemo (the crowd roars ... or at least I do!) typically get a daily antibiotic and antifungal. Here, my nurse is doing a weekly PICC line dressing change.</span></em> </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">During this time as well, and more to the point of why we
come in each day is to see the <a href="http://www.pugetsound.va.gov/marrowtransplant/Transplant_Team.asp" target="_blank">attending physician and his coterie</a> to again,
make sure I’m on the up-and-up and moving along according to plan. These visits
are essentially identical to ‘rounds’ that these same doctors do if I were
inpatient. He has with him, the most current hem/onc fellow, a staff
pharmacist, the outpatient nurse, nutritionist, and a few others that don’t
identify themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They pepper me with
questions on how I’m doing, check my mouth for sores, listen to my lungs, check
for edema in my legs, and make some small talk. At this point, it feels very
cordial, but it’s not unusual after these sessions to get a call to adjust
medication by a little bit or to get additional appointments to ensure
peripheral issues aren’t surfacing. They also interface with other departments
to ensure everyone is on the same page. It’s actually pretty amazing all that
happens between everyone.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">At some point during this process, I get “discharged” to go
hom</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">e again. There’s a collective sigh and exodus by all of us outpatients when
it happens as it is a legal sort of thing. If we leave early, it’s essentially
something called “AMA” (against medical advice) which is obviously rather
serious for a cancer patient under active treatment and everyone gets their
hand slapped rather hard. It’s not unusual for us to be held back awaiting
medication changes, so we’ve waited several hours. Hey, I’m not sleeping there,
so I’m quite all right with it. I try to see others while I’m there to make the
best use of our time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They also have a
cantina in the basement that makes some pretty good sandwiches for cheap. My
son and I have found them to be excellent!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">If we can get back on the road by 3:00, we can make it back
to our hotel room in decent time without the traffic and will find some way to
get out and exercise, even if it’s to walk the mall. Seattle really is a rainy
place and I’m cognizant of the sunlight restrictions, so the mall is a good
place to get some walking in, at least during the week days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My immune system is such that I need to avoid
large crowds, so the weekend when the mall is crowded can be problematic for
me. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Evenings are spent with my two sons, although we often tend
to be three bachelors in the same room. We are all electronically engaged, but
somehow in the moment together. I’ve been trying to make sure we do *something*
together each night while I’m connected to my evening IV. We have a completely
stocked nurse’s station that has occupied the kitchen table in our apartment as
you can see in the photo, replete with three separate IV pumps, syringes for
insulin, chemo-safe gloves, saline flush syringes, and a panoply of meds to
keep my monster box of pills fully stocked. The fun just never ends…but then
again, that’s why we’re here. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisADu0MbCmDerdVuJJ1TGjbqhfIfivLXszOXf39EWp6vMdBBe_OC8XPxB0doIbY1m0NnQWTi6UjgAzUMvRqX9s2qFu7m9Uo4jy7V9pEYMRzPCgQVniBp5rSCd-ek4j71az_yjQvM6-hdPo/s1600/IMG_0463.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisADu0MbCmDerdVuJJ1TGjbqhfIfivLXszOXf39EWp6vMdBBe_OC8XPxB0doIbY1m0NnQWTi6UjgAzUMvRqX9s2qFu7m9Uo4jy7V9pEYMRzPCgQVniBp5rSCd-ek4j71az_yjQvM6-hdPo/s320/IMG_0463.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Behold the Nurse's Station replete with IV pumps, monster pill box, chemo safe gloves, syringes for all occasions, alcohol wipes, and a stack of documentation to tell us every possible side effect there is on all he meds.</span></em><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Somewhere along the way, I start to crash, so I give myself
my final injection for the evening and get into bed, only to sleep for about 3
hours at which time I find myself reading for another few hours and try one
more time to get a bit of a nap in before starting over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s a highly-regimented day, so you can imagine how a ‘normal’
day will feel…mostly because you’re living it. We’re about halfway through the
100-day cycle and hope that when December 2 rolls around that the car is headed
eastward on dry roads back to Salt Lake with some happy guys singing campfire
songs (or at least along to the stereo!), so think happy thoughts about my
treatment that it continues to go well and without any hitches along the way.
We’ve had enough to last a lifetime! <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So for now, one day at a time…hope you enjoyed my
abbreviated (even though this was a bit long today) virtual tour of what I’m
doing these days.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well, stay strong, and as always, much love to you all!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Music for today – Home Life by John Mayer<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/3S0KnYbkoiE?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">I think I'm gonna stay home<br />
Have myself a home life<br />
Sitting in the slow-mo<br />
And listening to the daylight<br />
I am not a nomad<br />
I am not a rocket man<br />
I was born a house cat<br />
By the slight of my mother's hand<br />
<br />
I think I'm gonna stay home<br />
<br />
I want to live in the center of a circle<br />
I want to live on the side of a square<br />
I used to be in my M-Z now<br />
You'll never find me cause my name isn't there<br />
<br />
Home life<br />
Been holding out for a home life<br />
My whole life<br />
<br />
I want to see the end game<br />
I want to learn her last name<br />
Finish on a Friday<br />
And sit in traffic on the highway<br />
See, I refuse to believe<br />
That my life's gonna be<br />
Just some string of incompletes<br />
Never to lead me to anything remotely close to home life<br />
<br />
Been holding out for a home life<br />
My whole life<br />
<br />
I can tell you this much<br />
I will marry just once<br />
And if it doesn't work out<br />
Give her half of my stuff<br />
It's fine with me<br />
We said eternity<br />
And I will go to my grave<br />
With the life that I gave<br />
Not just some melody line<br />
On a radio wave<br />
It dissipates<br />
And soon evaporates<br />
But home life doesn't change<br />
<br />
I want to live in the center of a circle<br />
I want to live on the side of a square<br />
I'd love to walk to where we can both talk but<br />
I've got to leave you cause my ride is here<br />
<br />
Home life<br />
You keep the home life<br />
You take the home life<br />
I'll come back for the home life<br />
I promise</span><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-38180840971935891942013-10-11T06:42:00.000-06:002013-10-11T06:48:36.033-06:00Sprinting a Marathon<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">A bone marrow transplant is no small affair and part of the
treatment requires I have a full-time caregiver to assist. And I gotta tell ya,
it’s not a trivial requirement. The kinds of things I’ve had to deal with have
been nothing short of overwhelming at times. Thankfully, I’ve had a really
great support network to carry me through this very long-term process that has
been ongoing since February. Once my marrow donor was identified and I came to
Seattle, I had the great good fortune to have my two sons come be with me
full-time from their homes back East.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
older son pretty much put his life on hold and has been nothing short of
awesome. With as much time as I’ve spent inpatient and the commutes to the
hospital since going outpatient, we’ve really had some great conversations and
gotten caught up on lost time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNGb25gbhrup6dICU56HDIodVc8Cr_7HoM2-E9_icTMr7fFNDQc_Z8j3sbx7U7Mya4hG0CXrvFvPa_tCai_AUklu6fRSER4za20J0ayHgTGkBQ6BqGVuGCFhTjaXMMAgPicqvb5yCXxqah/s1600/IMG_0288.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNGb25gbhrup6dICU56HDIodVc8Cr_7HoM2-E9_icTMr7fFNDQc_Z8j3sbx7U7Mya4hG0CXrvFvPa_tCai_AUklu6fRSER4za20J0ayHgTGkBQ6BqGVuGCFhTjaXMMAgPicqvb5yCXxqah/s320/IMG_0288.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Having my younger son has been able to join us as well has been great as well as I've really missed the boat as he's grown and was looking forward to this rather concentrated, if not intense, period together to get to know him as an adult. He has gotten a job and tends to be more involved
in FIFA soccer than anything else, but I was hoping to engage him with the same
kind of casual conversation as well, so last Saturday I blocked some time out just
to go goof off. Rather than a movie where we really couldn’t talk, he suggested
bowling, an activity I have always enjoyed and usually am pretty good. Since it’s
not a real high-impact sport, I thought this was a great idea. My whole musculature has atrophied thanks to the steroids I've been prescribed and the extended time in the hospital bed. As an avid cyclist, I’ve been downright horrified to watch my legs puff up and then turn so emaciated. Even so, bowling didn't feel like much of a stretch. </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My debut at the Acme Bowl in the lovely downtown Seattle suburb of Renton was more
of a stand-up comedy act (if I could have kept upright, that is) than any attempt at physical prowess! I picked up a
14-pound ball as usual and it felt fine. I lined up and my muscle memory kicked
in just fine. And that’s where it all ended. Muscle capability and strength weren’t quite there yet and the ball’s inertia
carried me to the floor in grand ignoble style. A second attempt was no better,
but this time the ball actually went down the lane and I got an 8! Whoo-hoo! It was
clear I wasn’t ready for this. The silver lining in this one was that there was
a family bowling next to us whose older son was an IH sarcoma (bone cancer) survivor and they
were more than just a little supportive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yet another example of my best intentions gone awry!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We will go bowling again, but I think it’s not going to
happen for at least another month or so…and my younger son and I will find something
else where we can spend time together or just hang out away from the hotel
room. I also had to eat my own words about the whole leukemia picture – this is
not a sprint, it’s definitely a marathon. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Let’s put this in perspective (as much for myself as for you,
apparently!)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">While cancer can be – and is, in my case – a rather
fast-moving disease, our bodies take time to heal. In most of our collective
experiences, injuries of any kind really tend to heal pretty quickly. Even
broken bones may take a matter of only a couple of months to mend and you make
pretty quick strides to return to life as it was before. We have scars, some
aches and pains, but we move on. Surgery seems to be almost lightning quick and
they send you home, or so it seems. Sure, there are exceptions, but from what
people tell me at the water cooler and other social places. I was told this morning that for every day I spent in that comfy hospital bed, I'll likely need about a week rehab to get back to my former pre-transplant athletic glory. By those calculations, it could be as much as 315 days, dear ones...315! Buckle in for serious long-term training.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Managing a chronic or acute illness like cancer is completely
different. Doctors look at trends and really need to be conservative, despite my pleading and cajoling to unleash me on society. Patience on the part of this here patient hasn't exactly been a virtue! As much as I wish this could just be over, the fact of
the matter is that I will have to be very aware of what my body is telling me
for the rest of my life. And that is no exaggeration. It’s not that I will be
forever sick or waiting for a secondary cancer to surface, but in a real way, I’m
starting over. I have the immune system of a baby and will have to start over
with all those shots you take your kiddos for, before being allowed to go to
pre-school or kindergarten. I’ll have to be hyper-sensitive about sun overexposure
to prevent something called GVHD (graft versus host disease) from kicking in
and making me sick. And just like the rest of us middle-aged folk, I have those
health issues as I get older. Certainly not venturing into hypochondriac territory, it’s just something I need to be more attentive, not unlike any of
you. No more cavalier health care for me, I'm afraid.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s a marathon. It’s constant. It’s life…and it’s me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<a href="http://www.teamintraining.org/" target="_blank"></a><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq_f1NvpR7_FoelPMUMUS4lnDjX95nEMC6BMFZGjaHY2gBoOMRhRYsWiIl2qGV-XCqOu1X35ZvUmNO1P8ddJeLTSDY9M1R5HgG2k9I32Yu3tYHhumtOFKTOFvjSAD29Re74nYffCy5sPVZ/s1600/LLS+Heroes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq_f1NvpR7_FoelPMUMUS4lnDjX95nEMC6BMFZGjaHY2gBoOMRhRYsWiIl2qGV-XCqOu1X35ZvUmNO1P8ddJeLTSDY9M1R5HgG2k9I32Yu3tYHhumtOFKTOFvjSAD29Re74nYffCy5sPVZ/s400/LLS+Heroes.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">From left to right, LLS 'honored heroes' </span></em><a href="http://pages.teamintraining.org/ut/bgcttnwd13/adamuribe" target="_blank"><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Adam Uribe</span></em></a><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">, </span></em><span class="fbPhotoTagListTag tagItem"><input autocomplete="off" name="tag[]" type="hidden" value="1326732262" /><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">myself</span></em></span><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">, </span></em><span class="fbPhotoTagListTag tagItem"><input autocomplete="off" name="tag[]" type="hidden" value="10153010340320461" /><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Kevin Robson</span></em></span><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">, </span></em><span class="fbPhotoTagListTag tagItem"><input autocomplete="off" name="tag[]" type="hidden" value="1533637307" /><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Christine Aguilar</span></em></span><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">, </span></em><span class="fbPhotoTagListTag tagItem"><input autocomplete="off" name="tag[]" type="hidden" value="100000213912110" /><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Tony Aguilar</span></em></span><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> and </span></em><span class="fbPhotoTagListTag tagItem"><input autocomplete="off" name="tag[]" type="hidden" value="10153010340325461" /><a href="http://pages.teamintraining.org/ut/nikesf13/hjacobsth0" target="_blank"><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Hilary Jacobs</span></em></a></span><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">. All of us here are survivors. All but our little guy, Ronin in the front row are running marathons to raise money for leukemia and lymphoma research. I'm in a cycling jersey, so you know where I'm focused. Hilary just finished one of her events this weekend!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-family: Georgia;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Please consider donating to their fundraising effort. Clicking on their name will take you to their home page where I could find one. </span></em><a href="http://www.teamintraining.org/" target="_blank"><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">For more information on Team In Training and to find a local affiliate, click here.</span></em></a><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Speaking of marathons (for real), my congratulations to the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Team-in-Training-Utah-Branch/244287935460" target="_blank">Team in Training Utah Branch (Leukemia-LymphomaSociety)</a> folks who completed their half-marathons and marathons this past weekend. I know
some are continuing to raise money for the LLS and I’m including a link to my
friends who have made me one of their <a href="http://www.teamintraining.org/ut/SLValleyDetails/friendsoftnt" target="_blank">honored heroes</a> (something for which I did
nothing to earn any accolades but am grateful for their support!). One of the
first calls I made when I got my diagnosis was to LLS because in a year, I
want to be riding a century ride (100 miles) in the LLS support. Just 30 years ago, I
wouldn’t be alive because of leukemia. Today, thanks to their grants and
research, countless thousands of us are surviving and thriving.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s a long process. It’s uncomfortable, sometimes painful
and deadly as I can attest, but there’s something we have now we didn’t have 30
years ago: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hope.</i> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m dedicated through my writing to offer that hope and a
little humor in the process…and to be sure, writing has been cathartic to me. But
in the end, my make-up is to put the rubber to the road, literally, and make a
positive, tangible difference.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My hope in 2014 is to volunteer with their races and in 2015 and hop on my bicycle for a 100-mile ride
fundraiser. It’s a long way off, but that’s where my mind’s eye is right now…just
not on the bowling foul line!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Stay strong, be well, and much love to you all<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Music today from Carlos Santana’s album <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Marathon</i>, a meditative piece called <em>Aquamarine </em>I came across back
in high school.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-27175874254365161972013-10-08T08:23:00.000-06:002013-10-08T08:23:54.488-06:00Gratitude – Family and Friends<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I think it’s fair to say that
a stare-down with your impending demise will bring out some stark honesty in
facing who you are. I’d like to think that the disparity in who I think I am and this
brutally high-res reflection in the eyes of death isn’t too far off, but who am I
to gage? What I can tell you is that the kinds of things that have come out of
my mouth when I’ve been at my weakest and most vulnerable haven’t been too
terribly embarrassing or compromising, at least from what people have told me. It has
been mostly ordinary and routine stuff. with an occasional venture into the <em>non sequitur </em>thanks to the lovely pharmacopeia coursing through my wasted veins. Not too terribly surprising. It’s good to know there’s nothing to
hide, no deathbed confessions to get off my chest, and no buried treasure to
pursue...nor any money hidden between the mattresses (sorry, kiddos!).</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">If anything, I’ve found myself
tearing up a lot in gratitude to people, about reaffirming my deep-seated
values and letting people know how much they mean to me, whether it has been
someone taking care of me in scrubs or in civvies or simply keeping the fires of friendship and kinship alive. Perhaps I talk about things, maybe a touch more freely and personal that I probably would otherwise, but I hope it's not uncomfortable for others. It’s like a brick to the
back of the head. I never feel the tears coming. I’m smiling and talking about
something perfectly ordinary and the next thing I know I get that catch in my throat and the waterworks come on like one of those programmed sprinkler systems. No rhyme or reason. It just happens. It’s probably a bit therapeutic
for this staid former naval officer who was taught to compartmentalize feelings
to the point of being called, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">your
seriousness</i>. </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Things are obviously and thankfully different
these days!</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I’ve learned how to let the watertight
compartments inside communicate some so I can become the class clown I was in
high school. Yes, believe it. Deep down, I’m a cut-up. </span><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">But in reality, that kind of
thing doesn’t happen without people who believe in you, who give you a safe
place to be yourself, and who protect you when that weak underbelly is showing. I think
that’s why nurses have found their way into my heart as firmly as they have.
There’s an innate level of trust based on their profession, but even more so as
they do their job and I get to know them on a personal level. What is more to
the point on this post are the countless other people – family, friends, and
acquaintances who have been rooting in my corner from the time I found out I
was part of an exclusive survivor’s club for which I didn’t apply. It's because of you all that I'm more than surviving, I'm thriving and now amount of thanks can really account for the difference. It really is no small thing.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5VUSMJEIl8xBzkCOjqxiYbyc6p_QJqC-dUfRt-YdGWksySIATtIdSdfZTJ1d4D9ZnvuWK5-rYHzr5-gOCroykWJPbNtsH_JrznenvAKkAw2yHdZbiBYSlNjL9EIg-nHqLodZH0CzwJopA/s1600/True+Friendship.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5VUSMJEIl8xBzkCOjqxiYbyc6p_QJqC-dUfRt-YdGWksySIATtIdSdfZTJ1d4D9ZnvuWK5-rYHzr5-gOCroykWJPbNtsH_JrznenvAKkAw2yHdZbiBYSlNjL9EIg-nHqLodZH0CzwJopA/s320/True+Friendship.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Using Facebook as a gage, I
have just over 450 ‘friends,’ 21 of which are family. I don’t typically
‘friend’ people I haven’t had some history with, so you can add a bunch of high
school and college classmates, cycling buddies and professional colleagues and
acquaintances that I actually know and I find my network actually pretty big.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It took the advent of social networking to
prove that to me. But it took a life crisis to prove that the phenomenon that
includes Facebook, LinkedIn, and other networks of choice actually have some
teeth to them. I’ve been amazed by the outpouring of support and actual
hands-on care I’ve received, literally from across the globe. It’s nothing short of humbling. Unless you’ve been there, you
have no idea how much a kind word or cheer of support goes when you’re laid up
in bed feeling as awful as I have. It’s huge. It really is.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">People that have actually
visited me in the hospital or at home when I’ve been convalescing have raised
my spirits and kept me upbeat when my energy and enthusiasm have lagged and trust me, as much as I try to keep the humor and smiles, the big "C" has a way of just beating you down and depleting every bit of emotional and physical reserve you have. Again, you make the difference there.</span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Then there's the element of the
human touch. It is totally underestimated. I joked about my first week home in
March when I was bundled up, complete with surgical mask. It scared off parents
with small children and it protected me in my immuno-suppressed state from
getting an unwanted trip to the ER, but being the guy no one wants to touch is wearing. People see the tell-tale bald pate and assume the obvious, but tend to keep away even though cancer is not communicable. Hugs come across as pretty ordinary these days, but they impart so much when people otherwise will keep their distance. Cancer patients may be frail at times, but the ones I come across are pretty damned strong. That said, we all still need you ... and please, yes, we need a hug from time to time. We may be temporarily broken, but we won't break.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">This has been a roundabout way
of thanking you for being you – to give you a little context and for giving in
whatever capacity you have. There were a few weeks for me where things were truly
touch-and-go and I know a lot of you were sending your <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">close air support</i> as I used to call it (prayer, positive energy,
best wishes, etc.). I’m on the mend and getting stronger each day. Even the
stairs are coming along…never fast enough for me, but I can’t push this. And as
you well know, this is quite the marathon rather than any sprint, so I thank you all the more for
sticking with me over the months.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Be well, stay strong, and much
love to you all.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Classic music from the Beatles
today - <em><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">With a Little Help From My Friends</span></em></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/jBDF04fQKtQ?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">What would you think if I sang out of tune<br />
Would you stand up and walk out on me?<br />
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song<br />
And I'll try not to sing out of key</span></i><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends<br />
Mmm, I get high with a little help from my friends<br />
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends</span></i><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">What do I do when my love is away<br />
Does it worry you to be alone?<br />
How do I feel by the end of the day<br />
Are you sad because you're on your own?</span></i><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">No, I get by with a little help from my friends<br />
Mmm, get high with a little help from my friends<br />
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends</span></i><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Do you need anybody?<br />
I need somebody to love<br />
Could it be anybody?<br />
I want somebody to love</span></i><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Would you believe in a love at first sight?<br />
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time<br />
What do you see when you turn out the light?<br />
I can't tell you but I know it's mine</span></i><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends<br />
Mmm, get high with a little help from my friends<br />
Oh, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends</span></i><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Do you need anybody?<br />
I just need someone to love<br />
Could it be anybody?<br />
I want somebody to love</span></i><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends<br />
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends<br />
Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends<br />
Yes, I get by with a little help from my friends<br />
With a little help from my friends</span></i><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<o:p> </o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-16091712676647347432013-10-05T04:55:00.001-06:002013-10-16T23:39:04.110-06:00Gratitude - My docs<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You can buy "Utah Lottery Tickets" just over the border in Malad,
Idaho. That is to say we don’t have one in the Beehive State. Now, there was
that little kiosk in the Shell station outside of Seattle where I bought gas
last weekend and for the low, low price of $2, I could try my luck at having
all my financial woes resolved for life. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Once in a while, I'll get a little good luck come my way, but shall we say <span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">à </span>la <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hunger Games</i> that the odds were not in
my favor. Suffice it to say, I didn’t win the lottery last night. Ah well, I and how many other countless millions can rip up our
worthless lottery tickets and try, try again, right? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I will say that my good
fortune has paid off handsomely in other places where it really counted – specifically in my medical care.
I’ve focused on nurses because they’re the ones to whom I’m closest on a daily basis, but the
fact remains that the doctors at the helm in bringing me away from outright
dying are nothing short of world class. And that term really isn't exaggeration. Read on, dear one!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But I can’t start there.
I have to begin with conscientious basic medicine that found my leukemia to
begin with and unlike every other post I’ve written, I want to publicly thank
by name those who have been so instrumental in quite literally saving my life
and keeping me around to enjoy many years to come.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Set the clock back to
December 6, 2012 for a simple blood test that would save me 10% on my health
insurance premium at my new job. The screen, I’m sure was set up to encourage
people toward healthier choices and to screen for things like high
cholesterol. I was in great health, exercising daily, skiing the black diamond
slopes, eating well, and losing about a pound a week as a result of my better
health choices already, so why not save a little coin in the process? I had also scheduled a routine appointment with the doc at the
VA hospital to transfer my records from Long Beach VA to the local Salt Lake City VA. I was able to cut
through the bureaucracy finally and see a general practitioner in early January. I met with Dr. Richard Rose who spent nearly 40 minutes one-on-one
answering my questions about turning 50 and reviewing in really great detail
every health concern I had. How many doctors would do that? When we were about done, I showed him the results
of the insurance screening blood test. My cholesterol was actually down 40
points from the last time I had it tested, so I thought I really was moving in
a good direction. He looked at it all and agreed I was in a good place.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Except one.</span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDmdIDnBPhsu9auiQD_9YgoWJiKaJMwNcIQhk7E_bFERR9TfFi20r3YNnhF7IEAJgskaYzDhGAZ9LW5hFLXeu1V2rCXOUgpHPM8X8M3io5G45JCv0YdC2JmSaydcKAdu8O4IGmSa_C-aCb/s1600/IMG_0362.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="201" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDmdIDnBPhsu9auiQD_9YgoWJiKaJMwNcIQhk7E_bFERR9TfFi20r3YNnhF7IEAJgskaYzDhGAZ9LW5hFLXeu1V2rCXOUgpHPM8X8M3io5G45JCv0YdC2JmSaydcKAdu8O4IGmSa_C-aCb/s320/IMG_0362.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He looked at the white
blood count and thought it was a bit high. The Salt Lake Downtown Alliance had
a New Year’s celebration over a number of venues within walking distance of my
new home and for someone who rarely gets sick, I caught a cold. He thought that may have been the source, but
asked that I take a local blood test to be sure. Long story short and five blood tests later, my
white count hadn’t changed and he sent me over to hematology. I didn’t make the
connection until I got a call asking that I come in for a biopsy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Biopsies are not a pleasant
procedure <a href="http://zetoddblog.blogspot.com/2013/07/drill-baby-drill.html" target="_blank">(you can see pics and read about mine here</a>), but I went through with it and a week later, I met my first
oncologist, Dr. Ahmad Halwani from the Huntsman Cancer Institute, who in no
uncertain terms told me that I was going nowhere except inpatient for testing in preparation for aggressive chemotherapy to put this thing called acute myeloid leukemia into remission. Was it that bad? Really? Apparently it was and he was indignant that I would have the unmitigated gall to suggest I garage my
car first. He was <em>that</em> concerned about my condition. I actually did take the
car home and get some of my own clothing instead of the lovely hospital gowns much to his chagrin!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Over the next four
months, I would be overseen by Dr. Halwani and four great fellows – Dr. Shivan
Patel, Dr. Danielle Nance, Dr. Zach Reese, and Dr. Tsewang Tashi and a tenacious
PA, Tiffany Pyle. I was able to work with these people to keep me out of the hospital
between rounds of consolidation chemo. They answered my questions until I got
to the point where they ventured into the transplant territory where it was
outside their area of expertise. I never felt like I was being snowed by
medical jargon or protocol from these doctors, nor did I ever fall under the
cloud of the proverbial ‘god complex.’ I got nothing but the utmost
professional courtesy and again world-class care. Ironically, these great
doctors are referred to as “salvage.” I hardly felt that was the appropriate
term.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then came the call.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">n July, I received a
call from the Seattle Veterans Hospital that a suitable marrow donor had been
identified and the next phase of my treatment would begin. And enter another
new staff of doctors to take over where the salvage team had left off. Headed
by Dr. Thomas Chauncey, I was not only educated about the process very
carefully by Dr. Ed Wu and my most recent fellow, Dr. Melinda Biernacki, I was brought into what felt like a family. The level of care has
been even more personal and intense than I underwent in Salt Lake City,
gratitude doesn’t begin to describe how I feel. The bone marrow transplant process was actually pioneered in Seattle at the Hutchinson Cancer Center, so again, who could ask for a better team?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There have been a
tremendous amount of heroics involved in the medical side of cancer, yet it’s a
quiet sort of thing that truly belies the magnitude of the act of saving one
person’s life. In reality, it’s not one person’s life a doctor is saving in
bringing the cancer to long-term remission, but a family and a network of friends. No doubt, a cancer diagnosis will stop everything in its tracks,
but with the able hands and knowledge of a cast of doctors, it only slows and
for a time before something almost miraculous occurs and it is as life re-boots. Regardless what label you choose to ascribe to this process, it's awesome.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’d be remiss in not naming
more docs I’ve come across because there are so many others that played
into my treatment because of side effects and complications, but the endless
trail of white coats of physicians who enter my room, introduce themselves a
time or two and leave made it difficult if not impossible to establish a relationship long enough to remember names. With that in mind, let me thank them by what
they did and names as I do remember them: MICU, Respiratory and Pulmonary – notably,
Dr. Towne, Infectious Diseases, the various Medical Team docs in the SLC VA
system – especially, Dr. Amy Osborne. I know there are more.</span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAQoDHqrwLxHETyIK21avEjhOuYRjWTrmpE84j-JPN1cVpMfC5zm1X6gWoUw3JX3DpQT84EyCJnof0J4E7tL_-P39nqUDc7uSJNOHVT4lkxgI67h8IMLgjJ0oATBa1cI7oMHR3KDZq7tnL/s1600/Gratitude.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAQoDHqrwLxHETyIK21avEjhOuYRjWTrmpE84j-JPN1cVpMfC5zm1X6gWoUw3JX3DpQT84EyCJnof0J4E7tL_-P39nqUDc7uSJNOHVT4lkxgI67h8IMLgjJ0oATBa1cI7oMHR3KDZq7tnL/s320/Gratitude.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Thank you all. I only
have an idea the kind of long and odd hours a doctor has to put in to be good,
let alone world-class. You inspire me to be a better version of myself, even if
it’s going to take some time to get back there. Attitude and focus are just the beginning. The journey is far from over, but stopping a moment to take stock of where I've been and to recognize all the incredibly talented and dedicated people that got me here is something I find more than just a little necessary. It’s not the drama of a TV show, but
the lives you save are real. Thank you for making me one of them.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Music for today...who else, but the Thompson Twins - <em>Doctor, Doctor!</em></span></div>
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</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/uzB8M3VCdWQ?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I saw you there, just standing there<br />
And I thought I was only dreaming, yeah<br />
I kissed you then, then once again<br />
You said, you would come and dance with me</span></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span></i> </div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dance with me, across the sea<br />
And we could feel the motion of a thousand dreams</span></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Doctor, doctor, can't you see, I'm burning,
burning?</span></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh, doctor, doctor, is this love, I'm feeling</span></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span></span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ships at night give such delight </span></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We all leave before the morning light</span></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Please don't go, no please don't go</span></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">'Cause I don't want to stay here on my own</span></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span></span></i><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span></span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh Oh</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i> </div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Doctor, doctor, can't you see, I'm burning, burning?</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh, doctor, doctor, is this love, I'm feeling?</span></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Doctor, doctor, can't you see, I'm burning,
burning?</span></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh, doctor, doctor, is this love, I'm feeling?</span></span></i></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span></span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span></i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Fever breathe your love on me<br />(Breathe your love)<br />Take away my name<br />(Take away)<br />Fever lay your hands on me<br />(Breathe your love)<br />Never be the same</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i> </div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh Oh</span></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Doctor, doctor, can't you see, I'm burning, burning?</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh, doctor, doctor, is this love, I'm feeling?</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Doctor, doctor, can't you see, I'm burning,
burning?</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh, doctor, doctor, is this love, I'm feeling?</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Come with me and make believe</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We can travel to eternity</span></span></i><span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: proxnov-reg; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-39306045387711651082013-10-02T15:34:00.000-06:002013-10-03T08:49:39.868-06:00It’ll Kill Ya<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">One of the many things that I’ve experienced thanks to my stint in the hospital during this
year is a major disruption to what was a solid sleep schedule. Shoot, within a
few minutes after pulling the covers up, I was out like a log and woke up a few
minutes before my alarm would ever make a peep. It was a beautiful thing. With
all the pharmacopeia swimming in my blood now, it’s anyone’s guess when and if
I’m going to sleep, so I’ve spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling,
reading, dorking around on Facebook, and just plain ruminating in the wee hours
of the morning.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl1HsreM7ZGrizgmk1PYUFYopH82n579PfAZBpHOdie1JnRHuzfpekJVCheS2FSlOa037QYwiQUpin9df_KnDYL6GrcC36nzlbIu47lDjlqSDEPkL2hZYO0U-lZ_fVdsfuYTlc-bya0J14/s1600/IMG_0361.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl1HsreM7ZGrizgmk1PYUFYopH82n579PfAZBpHOdie1JnRHuzfpekJVCheS2FSlOa037QYwiQUpin9df_KnDYL6GrcC36nzlbIu47lDjlqSDEPkL2hZYO0U-lZ_fVdsfuYTlc-bya0J14/s320/IMG_0361.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Suffice it to say, when you’ve been diagnosed with a fatal
illness, your thoughts tend to wander off into territory that was otherwise
uncharted before and considered the purview of people like clergy and
philosophers. Well, just like foxhole conversions, these kinds of situations
turn everyone into metaphysical novitiates of sorts. We all have opinions and I’m
no different. It’s just that my opinions were now flavored by real possibility
instead of just conjecture and casual conversation or actual study.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I really didn’t even want to go down this street.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, who wants to talk about death seriously?
There are a lot of people who talk about death and dying for a lot of different
reasons. You obviously have the funeral and end-of-life industry folk who make
their living off of this transition and then there are the people who actually are
serious in their metaphysical and spiritual in their discussions, and then the
people who talk about it as some sort of intellectual topic or ideal. Me? I
dunno. I’ve not come to any real conclusion except that I’m at peace with the
whole thing. It’s not like I’m ready to go as I’ve written before, but in a
sense, I’m OK with it in that I’m not afraid. There is no fear because I was so
close to it and didn’t realize it. Maybe there’s the ‘ignorance is bliss’
element to it. I will say up front, the process kind of unnerves me still. I’m
really over the pain and discomfort thing as you might imagine.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s funny, in a sense, that as we age, there seems to be
barely any cognizance of even the concept of death. We’re immortal as youths!
Nothing can touch us. The rise of so-called extreme sports is more
technological than anything else, but that attitude has been around forever. It’s
exhilarating, it’s awesome, it’s amazing…and it challenges death in the face.
The degree of difficulty, the bungee jumping, the Red Bull jump from the edge
of space and so on thrill us and we see death pushed farther away from us.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And then we get older.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Our hair lines recede, the six-pack ab is relegated to our
younger brothers, and the guy we see in the mirror looks more like our dad than
ourselves. And…then there are the softball games, nights out steamin’ with the
boys, and other things we used to do without thinking that now take a while
longer to catch up. That bungee jump is looking more like a mid-life challenge
to overcome the mini-van than adrenaline rush now. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You know the drill. We all have our list of things. The real
irony for me is that over the past few years, my endurance has shot through the
ceiling. I’ve participated in some very long bicycle rides for charity that I don’t
think I would have been able to complete as a younger man. And it was at my
apex of participating that I was faced with my own mortality: you, son, have
acute myeloid leukemia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have 90 days
to live unless we treat this aggressively.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yeah, that’ll kill ya.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It wasn’t the short thing I had for cigarettes as an 18
year-old.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It wasn’t the hazardous career I had as a navy pilot.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It wasn’t the high-stress job I had on the road with
less-than-optimum nutrition.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It wasn’t the possibility of getting taken out while cycling
by some distracted teenager texting on her new iPhone.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It was a totally-out-of-the-blue diagnosis unrelated to
anything I could have imagined – leukemia.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, it’s back to laying in a motorized hospital bed
thinking. There are a lot of complications in treating this rather nasty cancer
I’ve got. It’s not like I have a tumor that you can feel and that causes pain,
but it’s in my blood and is every bit as insidious as a physical tumor –
perhaps more so. The chemicals do their job and then there are the side effects
to these chemicals that make me feel oh-so-lovely, so I get more chemicals to offset
them. I have the mother of all pillboxes to manage them plus a written grid/guide
to keep them all well-organized and on-schedule. And I now get to give myself
subcutaneous injections to keep my blood sugar leveled out (another side
effect) each night. So, between the massive weight gain/loss and the
injections, I will be extra sensitive to women who suffer PMS and diabetics…but
whether it’s this cancer or either of these conditions would make me want to
die outright.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You know, there are just too many things the media would try
to scare you about. But life is too good, and at the sound of being cliché, too
precious to ignore or to pass of as for granted, regardless of one’s age. As we
age, even though it may seem so, life isn’t ethical, it just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</i>. I’m 50 years old and while I’m more at peace with my own
mortality, it’s no less a precious thing to me than when I was in my 20s.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">A lot of what I find myself writing has to do with different
perspectives on similar elements. I come again to mortality not because I’m
morbid or that I even face it in a real way, but rather find myself full of
gratitude for the little things and hope that you don’t have to go through what
I have in order to come to some of the things I’ve seen and felt. I won’t suggest
being a hedonist, but rather making the most of what you have. Live your life
without regret, without fear, without ulterior motive. You just don’t know what
might happen tomorrow. After all…it’ll kill ya.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well, stay strong, and much love to you all!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Music for today from Phil Collins – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">True Colors<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/2FMtxACKlYM?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">You with the sad eyes<br />
Don't be discouraged<br />
Oh, I realize<br />
It's hard to take courage</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">In a world full of people<br />
You can lose sight of it all<br />
And the darkness inside you<br />
Can make you feel so small</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But I see your true colors<br />
Shining through<br />
I see your true colors<br />
And that's why I love you</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So don't be afraid to let them show<br />
Your true colors<br />
True colors<br />
Are beautiful like a rainbow</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Show me a smile then<br />
Don't be unhappy<br />
Can't remember when<br />
I last saw you laughing</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If this world makes you crazy<br />
And you've taken all you can bear<br />
You call me up<br />
Because you know I'll be there</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And I'll see your true colors<br />
Shining through<br />
I see your true colors<br />
And that's why I love you</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So don't be afraid to let them show<br />
Your true colors<br />
Your true colors<br />
Are beautiful like a rainbow</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Can't remember when I last saw you laughing</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If this world makes you crazy<br />
You've taken all you can bear<br />
You call me up<br />
Because you know I'll be there</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And I'll see your true colors<br />
Shining through<br />
I see your true colors<br />
And that's why I love you</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So don't be afraid to let them show<br />
Your true colors<br />
True colors<br />
True colors are shining through</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I see your true colors<br />
And that's why I love you</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So don't be afraid to let them show<br />
Your true colors<br />
True colors<br />
Are beautiful like a rainbow</span></i></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-72876789966506924712013-09-28T19:49:00.000-06:002013-09-29T09:18:02.591-06:00Gratitude - Ask A Nurse<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After spending as much time in hospitals as I have this
year, I’ve had a lot of conversations with nurses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nurses are great to talk with for a lot of
reasons, not the least of which is that they’re in the trenches taking in more
detail than any one body could ever possibly assimilate. They’re the complete
package and if it doesn’t become glaringly obvious, I have the greatest respect
for nurses of all stripes.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFlJgsqJ0ZfG68OcgAhyphenhyphenmVir3ofGDGWLwg6EEZ3V0DZwetooF8nX7U3ahdtfOrFrcf5EpdiHrCnkmakF4bu3O4SbUy5y0K-t0-NdV2VCV5mcCUVwaxYFHYc1wfHNNEo3xjHLu35M-d9aUS/s1600/Nurses+Rock.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFlJgsqJ0ZfG68OcgAhyphenhyphenmVir3ofGDGWLwg6EEZ3V0DZwetooF8nX7U3ahdtfOrFrcf5EpdiHrCnkmakF4bu3O4SbUy5y0K-t0-NdV2VCV5mcCUVwaxYFHYc1wfHNNEo3xjHLu35M-d9aUS/s320/Nurses+Rock.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">If you want to know what is really happening, talk to a
nurse. A doctor will typically hedge around what’s going on rather than commit
until a decision has been made. When joking about what is TMI (too much
information), doctors will say, “You can’t tell us too much information,” while
the nurses will open their eyes just a tad wider and mouth out, “Uh, yes…yes,
you can.” Yeah, they still really do want to know everything from the color of
your sputum to the consistency of your poop and they have a wonderful way of
asking you about it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I won’t idolize nurses here, but I will be very up front again
in saying I hold most nurses I’ve worked with in the highest esteem. I can’t
tell you exactly what makes a great nurse, but it just seems that the profession
seems to attract the most amazing collection of attributes wrapped up in a
heart of compassion that never stops amazing me with the limits it stretches.
That’s not to say that there are people who shouldn’t be in the field and I’ve
worked with them as well. In rare cases, there seems to be some sort of
self-policing already in place and the conscientious nurses tend to shield the more
sensitive patients from, shall we say the rare <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">underachiever</i>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And that’s not to say the good ones don’t make mistakes. We
all make mistakes. I had an instance where a nurse overlooked one small detail and
even though it wasn’t serious enough to even register on a test, it required
that I stay an extra day in the hospital. This person felt so bad about it that
it brought tears and this person whom I honestly felt had it together couldn’t
face me until the following day when there was an out-and-out apology. How many
people do you know take on the importance of their job that fully and
emotionally? Sure, you trust certain professions with your life and without doubt,
medicine is one of them, but it would be just as easy to become jaded over time
to emotionally protect oneself from the trauma of that responsibility.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After multiple inpatient stays involving many, many
days with the kind of minute details with overlapping medical teams that have
involved the complexity of leukemia not to mention the myriad of unexpected hitches
along the way, there have been other mistakes, but they have honestly been
minor and because I and those around me in caregiving roles pay close attention
to everything that is happening, I’ve been able to get resolution on everything
before moving forward – without exception. No nurse has given me a sigh about
my questions. If anything, I’ve been cheerfully informed down to the most
routine pill every time I’ve been handed one and encouraged to ask all manner
of question right down to my relationship with that nurse - and that did come
up in one instance early on, but again, not serious and not personal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Unless you’ve been hospitalized for any length of time, you’ll
not have experienced the acute loss of modesty and dignity that come
part-and-parcel with anything debilitating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nurses have a way of stripping the embarrassment away and helping you
just heal as best your body can. Some medications do funky things to you. They take away
your ability to take care of basic bodily functions, make you say <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">st-OO-pid</i></b> things, and
turn you into someone else for a time. I’ve experienced this quite a few times,
but in extreme terms when I was in the MICU; the nurses there just smiled and
helped me through it, especially when there were the foreign looking appliances
you only see in medical supply store ads for the elderly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And then there have been the most compassionate, sweetest
things that elicit tears even today. Nurses actually <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">saw</i> me for who I was through my weakness. They listened to my
kvetching or fear in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep or during those long
chemo/IV sessions. A couple that stand out as examples were during my initial
hospitalization in February and March earlier this year. I was struggling
through this cancer diagnosis mentally and hadn’t really processed it. I mean,
what do you say when you don’t even know the questions to ask? When a doctor
gives you a 90-day death sentence, there’s not much more beyond the
here-and-now. My guilty indulgence has been chocolate my whole life, so once
every so often, I stop by my favorite coffee haunt and grab a mint mocha coffee
which makes the rest of the day unassailable. I awoke in my mechanical hospital
bed one morning to see a venti Starbuck’s mint mocha on my tray with “Don’t
Give Up” written on the cup. I found out later a nurse had brought that in for
me. Timing couldn’t have been any better. When I finally had my first emotional
meltdown of this illness, it was a nurse in-training (the VA system calls them ‘health techs’)
who brought me a warmed blanket, tucked me in bed with practiced gentle hands,
and then let me regain my dignity back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCUx5Gv5nK5hZ41bYVtgoFbi3UFig_Sf_3y5YwPmaRQzWP6Fxy5SwmFy0qvV_Z5zqRyJ1edpi15GanDo1VJwHiw1HKAIjSw12ekMSH_B9B0vxHixp7scfrmxx9vw2_MXOtgRx049oLWCXk/s1600/Choc-earth-brn-IL2-443.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCUx5Gv5nK5hZ41bYVtgoFbi3UFig_Sf_3y5YwPmaRQzWP6Fxy5SwmFy0qvV_Z5zqRyJ1edpi15GanDo1VJwHiw1HKAIjSw12ekMSH_B9B0vxHixp7scfrmxx9vw2_MXOtgRx049oLWCXk/s320/Choc-earth-brn-IL2-443.jpg" width="277" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">They might be simple things otherwise considered ‘gestures’
by anyone else, but to me at that time, they were huge. They were what I needed
at the time and these two were perceptive enough to pick up where no medical
protocol would have prescribed anything. Perhaps it’s that compassion combined
with intuition – that space between the symptom and the intangible – that makes
a great nurse from someone pulling a shift. I still can’t say, but I know I’ve
experienced some great nursing and I can say without a doubt that I have had
some world-class care that without these incredible nurses, would be a very
sterile experience.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve made a point of dropping off gifties to the nurses
stations I’ve been attended by, but there’s really no way to extend how
genuinely grateful I am to nurses for the kind of care I have received – and continue
to receive throughout my treatment. I’m pretty vocal about telling people to
thank cops, firefighters, and veterans, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t add
nurses to that growing list.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">To all the nurses, health techs, and others that attend me and my host
of infirm campadrés, my heart-felt thanks to you all. You deserve far more than
you get and should be paid far more than you’re compensated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re definitely worth your weight in gold.<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well, stay strong, and much love to you all…and if you do
find yourself <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">un-</i>well, I hope you see
just how awesome nurses are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today’s music from George Michael – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Heal the Pain</i></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/d2-SLaeGWfY?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Let me tell you a secret, put it in your heart and
keep it<br />
Something that I want you to know<br />
Do something for me, listen to my simple story<br />
And maybe we'll have something to show</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You tell me you're cold on the inside<br />
How can the outside world be a place that your heart can embrace<br />
Be good to yourself<br />
'Cause nobody else has the power to make you happy</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">How can I help you? Please let me try to<br />
I can heal the pain that you're feeling inside<br />
Whenever you want me, you know that I will be<br />
Waiting for the day that you say you'll be mine</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He must have really hurt you<br />
To make you say the things that you do<br />
He must have really hurt you<br />
To make those pretty eyes look so blue</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He must have known that he could<br />
That you'd never leave him<br />
Now you can't see my love is good<br />
And that I'm not him</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">How can I help you? Please let me try to<br />
I can heal the pain, won't you let me inside?<br />
Whenever you want me, you know that I will be<br />
Waiting for the day that you say you'll be mine</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Won't you let me in, let this love begin?<br />
Won't you show me your heart now?<br />
I'll be good to you, I can make this thing true<br />
Show me that heart right now</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Who needs a lover that can't be a friend<br />
Something tells me I'm the one you've been looking for, oh<br />
If you ever should see him again<br />
Won't you tell him you've found someone who gives you more?</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Someone who will protect you, love and respect you<br />
All those things that he never could bring to you<br />
Like I do or rather I would<br />
Won't you show me your heart like you should?</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">How can I help you? Please let me try to<br />
I can heal the pain that you're feeling inside<br />
Whenever you want me, you know that I will be<br />
Waiting for the day that you say you'll be mine</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Won't you let me in, let this love begin?<br />
Won't you show me your heart now?<br />
I'll be good to you, I can make this thing true<br />
And get to your heart somehow</span></span></i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-59035986512742103242013-09-25T16:49:00.000-06:002013-09-25T16:56:17.789-06:00This is Hardly Routine<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Things that I talk about on my blog are never intended for attack,
but rather to encourage to do and be better, if for no other reason than
because we see them as the things to do. My blog is, more often than not, simply a
collection of observations because I’ve been put into a unique set of
circumstances; my hope is that you see my ramblings as exactly that. What you
do with them is, of course, up to you. To expect anything else would be
hypocritical and extremely presumptuous on my part. And I hope you get a chuckle from time to time in spite of the underlying subject!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">That said, I’m not the kind of person to ponder the
philosophical underpinnings of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">what is. </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If anything, I like to poke life in the eye a
little bit, be a little flippant with that thing we call "perception," and try to
be a bit self-deprecating somewhere along the way. It helps maintain some modicum of sanity for me in
the midst of what seems like a buzz of chaotic reverberations of insanity and
insensitivity – stuff I just cannot reconcile some days! Grant me a small
indulgence and perhaps you’ll understand my meaning rather than seeing me as a
touch pompous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you know me at all,
you’ll know I’m being far from pretentious</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">While I've been hospitalized, I got this handy little personal hot spot that allows me
Internet access for movies and other things to keep me connected, but the more
I plug into the web, it’s easy to see that we are engaged in a constant war for
what amounts to our souls. (To keep things simple, I'll use the word 'soul' to mean that part of us that is <em>us - </em>our personality, our likes and dislikes and so on). Some religious organizations have had that figured out from
time immemorial, of course, and they make no bones about being on the forefront
of those battles. I’d like to think at-heart, most faith-based organizations
are a force for good, but the level of hypocrisy I see nowadays in so many lead
me to the unavoidable conclusion that far too many of them are just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">players</i> in the panoply of that war and
unfortunately they have won inroads into souls of those who would rather allow
themselves to be molded or have things spoon-fed to them. Thankfully, there are
those that do encourage us to rise above mere conformity and really search out
that which is true and really <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">live </i>there…and
then keep ascending out of the morass that holds us from being our very best.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve been at both the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">militantly
against</i> and the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">devoutly for</i> ends
of the religious scale, but at the ripe old age of 50, come to a place of
simply trying to make a difference where <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and when I can – sometimes that means working
within a community of like-minded individuals and other times it means standing
alone. The key is not being stridently idle…and for me, the struggle my entire
life has been to find what this is called. There’s some inexplicable,
intangible thing deep within all of us that wants to be part of something
larger than ourselves. Is it any wonder we send so much money to charitable
organizations and rally around people and communities in need? The needs out there
just seem to multiply and at the those slick marketers keep the tragic glossy
images in the forefront. They don’t care what you call yourself; they just want
your money.</span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9ycKpBZ5ldiOni0HtZRhAhhDf2987KxZVihaXOd0af4POd3VHJap_XXlcRtowXOvneEDyUnyuP-WwIAtDNHTEnWnmCtymV9mjRWTO2GrqhPk5kbwH7qqs0serwKvcLzI22zaqNKxO5Y71/s1600/confucius_v1_443.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9ycKpBZ5ldiOni0HtZRhAhhDf2987KxZVihaXOd0af4POd3VHJap_XXlcRtowXOvneEDyUnyuP-WwIAtDNHTEnWnmCtymV9mjRWTO2GrqhPk5kbwH7qqs0serwKvcLzI22zaqNKxO5Y71/s320/confucius_v1_443.jpg" width="277" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I think this kinda sez it all. The image is from Headline T-Shirts (<a href="http://www.headlineshirts.net/confucius-says-t-shirt.html" target="_blank">buy yours here</a> - I get no remuneration, but neither do I own the copyright)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My daughter’s father in-law is also an AML survivor and we obviously
compare notes from time to time. He is someone I respect as having a gift for
being brutally honest, but being so without being mean-spirited or judgmental.
I was delighted to see an excerpt that encapsulated how I felt and wasn’t
entirely surprised to see it posted today instead of yesterday when I was struggling
to find a way to wrap up this post:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">For most us twenty-first-century Western
Christians, that is church. And nothing is wrong--and much is right--with all
of it. But I can take it or leave it. More often, I prefer to leave it. All
those elements together do not make a church. I'm fighting life-threatening
cancer of the soul, and too often what we call church offers me a pain pill,
religious distraction, false promises, encouragement to live in denial, or a
facelift. I don't want to go."</span><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">At this risk of coming across as jaded, I want to reiterate
that despite some clear frustration, I’m not trying to beat down organized
religion or charitable organizations because again, emerging through some
pretty obvious hypocrisy and mismanagement in the headlines, good really does happen.
What I’m trying to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">divine</i>, for lack
of a better term, is where my new normal, my <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">routine</i> is now. You see, for someone who revels in having lots of
projects running in concert, being hospitalized for nearly 90 days this
calendar year has been extremely difficult. A temporarily-diminished brain
capacity thanks to chemotherapy has been infuriating; constraints thanks to
hospital room space and feeling sick from treatment have created a new
frustration I could only sympathize with heretofore; but the same thing I knew
from day one of this adventure haunts me even today - one cannot walk through
crisis and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> be changed. That
change, though, is something that happens on the inside and like the message of
this blog to you, to do anything further would be presumptuous…the next step is
something perhaps something *I* have to initiate.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Things like ‘normal’ and ‘routine’ are just going to look
different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The epiphany is like
something hidden in plain sight: I have to re-evaluate. I can’t imagine outright giving up
some things that I really enjoyed, but neither can I continue it all. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">When I got to thinking about it, ‘routine’ is just a series of habits and experiences? True, perhaps, from one
perspective. I don’t know what I will feel right about giving my time and
effort to at this point, but it’s clear that the ‘new normal’ will be just
plain different, albeit with the same substance. I think the best way to
explain it is that a layer of skin is being pulled away so that what you see of
me is more of who I actually am rather than another well-indoctrinated member
of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pop culture brigade.</i> And I
hope you become more of the authentically <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you</i>
as well. Working with people on that level is so rewarding and all the more
when friendships are involved. Perhaps that’s what friendships are at their
base. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But I will stop there because again I don’t ponder the great issues, and
even though there may be some still waters running deep on my worn mug, I
prefer to simply observe the obvious and get a good laugh from time to time…and
I hope there are many, many years of laughter ahead that we share together, dear friend.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well, stay strong, and much love to you all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Note – <a href="http://yippee-leukemia.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">"Thrilled to Death: Paul Pavao’s Leukemia Blog"</a> can be seen here. We all navigate cancer in a way that helps us
make the best sense of it. Paul’s approach tends to be more faith-based and
have a tremendous amount of clinical information mixed in his own journey. I
hope you find it has helpful as I do.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Music today from Katy Perry – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Wide Awake<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I'm wide awake<br />
I'm wide awake<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I'm wide awake<br />
Yeah, I was in the dark<br />
I was falling hard<br />
With an open heart<br />
I'm wide awake<br />
How did I read the stars so wrong?<br />
I'm wide awake<br />
And now it's clear to me<br />
That everything you see<br />
Ain't always what it seems<br />
I'm wide awake<br />
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I wish I knew then<br />
What I know now<br />
Wouldn't dive in<br />
Wouldn't bow down<br />
Gravity hurts<br />
You made it so sweet<br />
'Til I woke up on<br />
On the concrete<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Falling from cloud nine<br />
Crashing from the high<br />
I'm letting go tonight<br />
Yeah, I'm falling from cloud nine<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I'm wide awake<br />
Not losing any sleep<br />
I picked up every piece<br />
And landed on my feet<br />
I'm wide awake<br />
Need nothing to complete myself, no<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I'm wide awake<br />
Yeah, I am born again<br />
Out of the lion's den<br />
I don't have to pretend<br />
And it's too late<br />
The story's over now, the end<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I wish I knew then<br />
What I know now<br />
Wouldn't dive in<br />
Wouldn't bow down<br />
Gravity hurts<br />
You made it so sweet<br />
'Til I woke up on<br />
On the concrete<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Falling from cloud nine
(it was out of the blue)<br />
I'm crashing from the high<br />
I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)<br />
I'm falling from cloud nine<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I'm wide awake<br />
Thunder rumbling<br />
Castles crumbling<br />
I'm wide awake<br />
I am trying to hold on<br />
I'm wide awake<br />
God knows that I tried<br />
Seeing the bright side<br />
I'm wide awake<br />
I'm not blind anymore...<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I'm wide awake<br />
I'm wide awake<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yeah, I'm falling from
cloud nine (it was out of the blue)<br />
I'm crashing from the high<br />
You know I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)<br />
I'm falling from cloud nine<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I'm wide awake</span></span></i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-75845076542862345322013-09-20T16:29:00.001-06:002013-09-21T09:50:01.237-06:00Wake Me Up<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">As a navy pilot, we used a term that distilled down from some
prescient life-saving factoids: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">situational
awareness.</i> It came from the aircrew collectively knowing what was going on. For
example, if the pilot at the controls was moving off course, one of the other aircrew could simply say something like, “I hold you 15 degrees right of course.
Without getting into great detail, the pilot had either had the option to
explain the deviation or to relinquish the controls. It’s not a matter of skill,
just safety. With the exception of the mission commander, rank has all but gone
away in the cockpit so every air crewman’s responsibility is to look out for
the safety of the aircraft, each other, and the passengers. It absolutely
remains the goal. It always must be. One is never too junior to preserve his or
her own hide after all!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgCKxq0CD76XcsQqG0H8xRqCcGnkuxX39AghyBE4nguV3YdaLmXdqoPBxHXg9ppdYk-wTCuREr2rMaSckGBIj0CJwuKRQ3S_INpj_VUJIH3wY6g0M7ahtTSUZqkB8V-pw9Sqwlvz-D6tlh/s1600/IMG_0290.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgCKxq0CD76XcsQqG0H8xRqCcGnkuxX39AghyBE4nguV3YdaLmXdqoPBxHXg9ppdYk-wTCuREr2rMaSckGBIj0CJwuKRQ3S_INpj_VUJIH3wY6g0M7ahtTSUZqkB8V-pw9Sqwlvz-D6tlh/s320/IMG_0290.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There are the times though when you find yourself wildly out
of control and the staff of aircrew are utterly foreign to you. Thankfully,
those occasions have been rare. Unfortunately this week, I had one of those
very frightening experiences. I wasn’t at the controls, merely a passenger, figuratively speaking. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My leukemia numbers had been steadily rising, propelling me
toward qualifying for outpatient status from what the medical staff had been
saying, and that is a good thing, of course, so who was I to question?! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But…then we do have to factor in contingencies…but
unless you are the type who is more perhaps guided by fear and what might
happen, who does that kind of thing and, more to the point, who can <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">predict</i> an emergency? The best we can do
is be moderately prepared. Suffice it to say, when an emergency does happen,
it has that unwitting result of hijacking one’s <em>situational awareness, </em>and sometimes of one's consciousness. In this case, I didn’t see it as an emergency at the time, but from what I was
told after I awoke, it was indeed a life-threatening condition I had just
survived.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Isn’t that special? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So special that since I had asked for one of those lovely
pharmacological substances that tend to bring on a touch of amnesia, I don’t
know if I got a near-death experiences or not. I don’t think my
heart stopped, so there may be that part of the near-death game that I did not
qualify. I just know I apparently stopped breathing. My own “code blue” and I
missed it all! That’s probably a good thing, though. An alveolar hemorrhage and
a blood cancer don’t seem to have much in common, do they, but they conspired to take me down. Regardless,
complications and side effects will happen despite our best plans and intentions. Since breathing is rather critical is perhaps the reason I’ve “enjoyed” my own
personal MICU room-with-a-view instead of the Marrow Transplant Unit like all
other good girls and boys with leukemia. OK, chalk-off one more experience I
thought I’d never have. I think it’s safe to say that waking up in an ICU is not
on everyone’s bucket list!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I gotta tell ya, when I came to, I honestly thought I had just
happened to have clicked a selection for a video game. It was seriously <em>that </em>surreal. I
didn’t remember giving the consent for a bronchoscopy, I don’t remember getting
anesthetized, and I certainly don’t remember the panic and fear that took me on
down. After having morphine-induced hallucinations of Russian mafia zookeepers,
it’s not much of a stretch to find yourself restrained, unaware of where you
are, how you got there, and why you can’t talk. Much to my chagrin, the nurse
who attended me as I awoke had a name similar to Ishmael. I had been trying to
drill-in to my budding collegiate son the first three words of the classic, Moby Dick (“Call Me
Ishmael”), so this was cruel irony on a level I couldn’t even laugh at it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Once I got to communicating with really awful sign language
and rockin’ really old school clipboard, I figured out I had not, in fact,
clicked the correct icon to wake up, but that I was intubated and in the MICU
of the hospital, just down the hall from the Marrow Transplant Unit from where
I had started this rather scary adventure just hours before.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyUswKw0MuoHpfCdcHg5AiEn_bX5ouHiV8FcZeCnc4xHQ9WDbf4fFa_m_8areASQaMxBDQsjisf53eOtyelaPUS3-an-N3oB0auZTLU2DNyaAZdMA2OQlEtkiyCZxXMIzx651ERrtUmOoZ/s1600/IMG_0404%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyUswKw0MuoHpfCdcHg5AiEn_bX5ouHiV8FcZeCnc4xHQ9WDbf4fFa_m_8areASQaMxBDQsjisf53eOtyelaPUS3-an-N3oB0auZTLU2DNyaAZdMA2OQlEtkiyCZxXMIzx651ERrtUmOoZ/s320/IMG_0404%5B1%5D.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A pic from the MICU at the Seattle VA Hospital. This is not my close-up, Mr. DeMille! It's proof that this otherwise genteel kinda guy does have a scrappy side and survived a wrestling match with death. It's a bout I don't ever, <em>ever</em> want to fight again. My oldest son, Austin, to the right, has been tremendously helpful. I couldn't have survived without him. Notice, also, the incredibly hi-tech communication device at my left hand (no mouse required!)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I got to repeat this less-than-fun adventure just a few days
later, but I think now that I’m back at the MTU, we’ve figured out the cause
and not too terribly unlike my first hitch in the hospital some months
ago, I have doctors amazed how quickly my body has responded. I’m just happy to
be around and not pushing up daisies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s easy to simply say that it wasn’t supposed to happen
this way, and there’s always more to any situation, of course, but who thinks,
“My number is up today! It has been a great ride.”? I have been quick to say
that I’ve enjoyed a great life, so I’m not clinging to every little bit of life
out there. On the other hand, I have an awful lot left to live for. Children,
grandchildren, niece, and nephew accomplishments, relationships yet to foster
and cultivate, professional achievements, people to help, and so on all await
us all. So, we can dork around on-line or make things happen – truth be told, a
little of both.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve been extremely tired, I’ve watched my weight yo-yo from
my intake weight of 190 up to nearly 237 (if the bed scale is to be believed)
and now back down today at 201…and continuing downward. I’ve learned more about
medical arts than I care to, realized in-spades how much this battle is for
others as much as it is for me, and been re-infused with a sense of gratitude
that pushes past anything I hadn’t been able to comprehend to this point. And
yet this grand adventure is still in progress. That said, the next milepost is
in sight and I’m eager to push past it. If all continues to run well, I’ll be going
back to outpatient status and recovering away from this big white building of
IV alarms, stiff medical protocols, and sterility. After that, we look forward
to returning to Utah to let my hair grow back and navigate the new normal…a
Christmas gift I don’t think I could hope to exceed. My own <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nightmare before Christmas </i>is coming to
a close and something much more colorful and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">happy</i> is about to begin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well, stay strong, and much love to you all!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today’s music is, appropriately enough, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Breathe</i> from Michelle Branch</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I've been driving for an hour<br />
Just talking to the rain<br />
You say I've been driving you crazy<br />
And its keeping you away<br />
<br />
So just give me one good reason<br />
Tell me why I should stay<br />
'Cause I don’t wanna waste another moment<br />
In saying things we never meant to say<br />
<br />
And I take it just a little bit<br />
I, hold my breath and count to ten<br />
I, I've been waiting for a chance to let you in<br />
<br />
If I just breathe<br />
Let it fill the space between<br />
I'll know everything is alright<br />
Breathe<br />
Every little piece of me<br />
You'll see<br />
Everything is alright<br />
If I just breathe<br />
<br />
Well it's all so overrated<br />
In not saying how you feel<br />
So you end up watching chances fade<br />
And wondering what's real<br />
And I give you just a little time<br />
I, Wonder if you realize<br />
I've been waiting ‘til I see it in your eyes<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">If I just breathe<br />
Let it fill the space between<br />
I'll know everything is alright<br />
Breathe,<br />
Every little piece of me<br />
You'll see<br />
Everything is alright<br />
If I just breathe<br />
Breathe<br />
<br />
So I whisper in the dark,<br />
Hoping you hear me<br />
Do you hear me?<br />
If I just breathe<br />
Let it fill the space between <br />
I'll know everything is alright<br />
Breathe,<br />
Every little piece of me<br />
You'll see<br />
Everything is alright<br />
Everything is alright if I just breathe... breathe<br />
<br />
I've been driving for an hour <br />
Just talking to the rain</span><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-37486005847010711012013-09-14T17:51:00.000-06:002013-09-22T22:13:05.312-06:00Walkin’ the Green Mile<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I ain’ committed no crime, yet I’m on death row in ‘cell #6,’
waitin’ ta walk the big ol’green mile. I’ve been given six lethal infusions that
are systematically killing my capability to produce blood. Without
intervention, I will surely die. This is by design of course, but it is
nonetheless, very much factual. Let me pause while I swallow the very big lump
in my throat. This latest infusion packs a pretty big wallop. I’m feeling a bit
lightheaded, my ears are ringing above authorized levels, and I have this funny
sensation in my sinuses. I have developed rashes in the crooks of my elbows and
knees and I had a rather bad day of “shake ‘n bake” (chills and fever) and I
don’t feel well enough to eat without throwing it up again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Tomorrow, things change forever. Or you so might think. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve already begun an infusion of an anti-rejection drug
called Tacrilimus so that at some point tomorrow, I will receive stem cells
from Hans, my mystery donor. Those cells will immediately go to the ‘iCells’
and become the ‘0’ required type I need. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The day those cells that look little more than ketchup push
into my veins, many consider my new “birthday.” So, while I will have walked
that green mile, I will also have found a new life after considerable struggle.
My new ‘birthday’ turned out to be pretty nonchalant, but it presented a new
chance at living. It was a very quiet 10-15 minutes, yet powerful in
significance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, why ponder on the details of a procedure that is considerably
uncomfortable and one that has mortality figures attached to it? Because life,
at the risk of coming across as a wee bit glib, is important and those of us
who have threatening situations should recognize that in truly the starkest of
terms. It sucks, it hurts, and there’s no fun involved at all, but I will
survive. I’m profoundly grateful to you all for your best wishes, your kind
smiles, gifts to my family, and for all the small details that (I guarantee you
I don’t miss attention!). In truth, I didn’t realize that anything I did had
anything to do with those of you who had offered up your own well wishes until
I had emerged from my own ‘hovel’ of sorts. After all, this all seemed liked it
was most assuredly, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all about me!</i> Even
though that was true to some extent, I was about to learn that wasn’t quite
true.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There are a lot of
people at different stages of their treatment shuffling through the MTU each
morning, but only about half a dozen inpatient rooms as most of the transplant
procedure actually takes place outside the hospital. It makes things overall
easy to keep track of everyone. Once I went inpatient for my actual transplant,
I lost track of a lot of my compadr<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">é</span>s
going through this loveliness with me. Much like my first hospitalization, I
lost my strength and just felt like watching the birds when they happened to
cross my path. Still, part of my daily regimen, is to take a walk. On returning
back, I met up with a wife of of a guy going through an “auto [providing one
own’s stem cells]. The two of them had just been home for a couple of weeks fishing
and had recently returned back to the MTU to finish the deal. Each regimen has its
plusses and minuses, inevitably leaving you with the “I couldn’t do <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that!”</i> expression on your face. In this
case, it was full body irradiation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That
was the hurdle I struggled with, yet for their relationship, that’s what he
would do <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">for her</i>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I think that’s when it
struck me. It isn’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all about me</i>. In
her very simple, pleading voice, she explained to me about her husband sleeping
in one of the adjoining suite of rooms. She told me, “I can only imagine what
he’s going through, but it’s the least I’d do for him. That’s what love does
for one another. So, at that little alcove at the end of the hallway, I saw it
wasn’t about a single person. Going through the extreme sacrifice of cancer
treatment is as much for others as it is for oneself.</span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1eRwQUVUW3DCEqqlF1NsrhEILMuUQAFiQ4JpMNdTgHhp0txC9e9mkhztpuQVl8Av3uvdEPnyPY7W_EYqUaX7KYYrSY_gNfZgqLY4JkM0cDm6SiquZIupNqOg76iNbD-7wzaDq66ket_BV/s1600/Team+Todd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="159" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1eRwQUVUW3DCEqqlF1NsrhEILMuUQAFiQ4JpMNdTgHhp0txC9e9mkhztpuQVl8Av3uvdEPnyPY7W_EYqUaX7KYYrSY_gNfZgqLY4JkM0cDm6SiquZIupNqOg76iNbD-7wzaDq66ket_BV/s320/Team+Todd.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The day before leaving for Seattle, we all gathered for a BBQ in Park City. A large version of this picture hangs at the foot of my bed at the hospital, reminding me that I have a lot of people I am living for and a lot of people who love me. This is only a fraction of the who' fam damily!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We walked each other
back to the MTU where her husband was asleep and I had some new things to think
about. The day before I headed out from Utah for this grand adventure of
healing, this pic was snapped and deemed “Team Todd 2013.” It has most of my
local family and it was blown up to poster size so it can look down on me
during some rather lonely nights. I am without a spouse and my children live on
the other side of the country, so the poster is significant. My children and
indeed those smiling down on me from the solitude of Team Todd 2013 are those
whom I have to garner the strength to keep living and fighting for. It is
indeed <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> just about me. Happy new
birthday, sure…but it means so much more, especially to those who walk with me.
The only crime I will have committed will be the one of supreme selfishness to
ignore this birthday.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well, stay strong </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">,
and much love to you all!</span></div>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today's music: <em>Magia de Amore </em>by Vitorio Grigolo</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/JMyDbJHdaVI?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">Te recorro lentamente
por la piel<br />
Te acaricio tiernamente las mejillas<br />
Y mis manos se enloquecen al llegar<br />
Lentas en tierras perdidas<br />
Suaves colinas dormidas<br />
Y mi boca que no deja de besar<br />
Y se pierde en las arenas atrevidas<br />
Y tu playa se confunde con mi mar<br />
Anchas, ondas compartidas<br />
Sabias, gaviotas amigas<br />
Magia de amor<br />
Juego inocente<br />
Loca ilusiòn que escapò entre la gente<br />
Y que vuelve a mi lado<br />
Sin otra intenciòn que vivir<br />
Sin pedir un por qué<br />
Ni olvidar el perdòn<br />
Me fascina tu manera de querer<br />
Y me entrego a tus malicias decididas<br />
Me abandono a la conquista de tus pies<br />
Bellas palomas prohibidas<br />
Fiesta de miel escondida<br />
Magia de amor<br />
Juego inocente<br />
Loca ilusiòn que escapò entre la gente<br />
Y que vuelve a mi lado<br />
Sin otra intenciòn que vivir<br />
Sin pedir un por qué<br />
Ni olvidar el perdòn<br />
Que vuelve a mi lado<br />
Sin otra intenciòn que vivir<br />
Ni olvidar el perdòn<br />
Sin pedir un por qué<br />
Ni olvidar el perdòn</span><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-44537199036773185822013-08-16T19:30:00.000-06:002013-08-16T19:44:45.178-06:00Better Life Through Chemistry<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I never had one of those chemistry sets from the Sears Wish
Book, but to be sure, that was me from a very young age. Yeah, I looked at all
the toys and fun stuff all the other kids did, but I coveted the really cool stuff (ok, cool to me anyway!)
like the chemistry and erector sets. My mom saved S & H Green Stamps and
got my sister and me toys at the local redemption center, but blowing the house
up with chemicals was not in the cards! Besides, I didn’t need chemicals to wreak
the kind of havoc most 7 year-olds are capable of. I did that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all buh mah-sayulf! </i>I did get the
erector set a few years later. </span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM4Sv5lcAQCcmtwBxwQjLUwYcIxb3-tBIdJBLkmfDXZO-z_Cex_32w6I-nq1LYWkax8Kii7z1LU9_NuRJUtw0QIUnFXc2e6cK-IdHF-bPgXb7p0UcFLChO_CsHSxsmK5W7V4-vXtGlg1iz/s1600/Sears+Chemistry+Set.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM4Sv5lcAQCcmtwBxwQjLUwYcIxb3-tBIdJBLkmfDXZO-z_Cex_32w6I-nq1LYWkax8Kii7z1LU9_NuRJUtw0QIUnFXc2e6cK-IdHF-bPgXb7p0UcFLChO_CsHSxsmK5W7V4-vXtGlg1iz/s320/Sears+Chemistry+Set.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look familiar? I can't tell you how long I used to ogle those pages for things I just couldn't live without!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I told all my relatives that I wanted to be a scientist and
they took that young zeal of mine to heart. I remember my uncle coming back
from Vietnam with gifties for all of us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For me, he brought a microscope in a wooden carrying case. It had
slides and cover sheets and it even had chemicals to stain and preserve my finds. It
was a way cool present for a budding egghead nerd like me. In high school, I would all but stage a veritable <em>coup d'éducat</em> by rather publicly transferring out of my AP Chemistry class and into Aerospace Science - the harbinger of things to come. Some years later, I would
forget that nerdiness altogether and become a way cool Navy pilot, complete with leather
flight jacket, wrinkled flight suit, cocked garrison hat, and Ray Ban aviator
shades! But…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I never forgot my humble egghead origins.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And I actually got called an “Eastern egghead” by a French
student in La Place Clichy in Paris. This same student was adept in using
English profanity, much to my chagrin – even had the right context. Shows you what a Sorbonne education will get you.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0JglJfdNPVkZTmnBMwchsb49RyCd3iq1rd6V7ryZVO0IMaC6oPe6gq6747dOzAZ5Nk69K1eljG-Ud7v7VxH2wjofBH3eI0ZSKZcErMA5gbB0q78bA67NtUmhFdW9HjVdSSnUiVdx5trzt/s1600/IMG_0036.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="284" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0JglJfdNPVkZTmnBMwchsb49RyCd3iq1rd6V7ryZVO0IMaC6oPe6gq6747dOzAZ5Nk69K1eljG-Ud7v7VxH2wjofBH3eI0ZSKZcErMA5gbB0q78bA67NtUmhFdW9HjVdSSnUiVdx5trzt/s320/IMG_0036.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, here I am today with a long tube connected to my PICC
line, infusing that lovely toxic chemical goodness into the vein just above my
heart. I can tell this is some powerful stuff by the amount and type of
pre-meds I’m swallowing out of that little tiny cup the nurses give me about half an hour prior to 'go' time. I get a tad light-headed from either the pre-meds or the
chemo (I’m not sure which), but I’m still feeling decent and able to think
clearly. I had the staff psychologist tell me that I may not actually take a nose
dive until about seven days post-transplant, but we shall see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m in no hurry to go down that road. Today
is actually considered Day minus 5 even though it’s the 3<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">rd</span></sup> day of chemo.
Day 0 is the day of actual transplant infusion.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve come to the unavoidable conclusion that *I* have become
an incarnation of the Sears chemistry set. Trust me, that is not a narcissistic declaration! Each one of us
that comes through the MTU is an experiment of sorts. While each of us has some
sort of blood or bone malady that requires a stem cell transplant, we all have
unique genetic make-ups that determine the likelihood of survival of such an
arduous procedure and ultimately how well, if at all, the graft takes to our
bodies. And then there are the statistics and the intangibles. Things like
metabolism, physical health, and even attitude all play roles in how well we
come out of this on the other side. All of those factors create an
incredibly complex puzzle for a team of doctors to work out and solve – and I would
be one of those puzzles.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In speaking to another marrow transplant veteran, he told me
that this process was nothing short of a pharmacological miracle. Considering I’ll
have no outside physical manipulation, no radiation, and no surgery to repair my broken
immune system, it is exactly that. It is all chemistry. Until yesterday, I had
no idea there was even a field called pharmacological kinetics, but there’s a
group of pharmacists that very precisely gage what is happening inside to in
turn determine the exact gnat’s buttock of how much toxic chemical goodness I
should receive. I also get a handful of pills that stave off really nasty
nausea, seizure, and other lovely side effects that probably would make those
ads on TV look pretty appealing. I guarantee you, there will be no ad
encouraging you to “Ask your doctor if Busulfan® and Cytoxan® are right for
you!” This truly is one of those, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">don’t
call us, we’ll call you</i> things. Pray you never get <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i> call!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">No sooner than the nurse flipped the IV pump on a few days ago, I went into
chemo precaution mode, which means I am a sorta kinda toxic waste site. No one else can use my inpatient bathroom
and I have to flush twice when I actually use the toilet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the meantime, I serve as an overqualified
filter and drink incredible amounts of water, which naturally makes sleeping problematic. I then get to collect said
premium, filtered, and processed chemo (i.e. urine) in cute little bottles for them to
measure. During my inpatient stays, my intake and output is measured pretty
carefully. Do you know how many cc’s are in your little half pint of milk? 236!
That’s how many (most just round up to 30 cc's per fluid ounce). I also know that my full bladder is about the same amount as that little
half-pint of milk, probably putting me in league with those people with IBBS (Itty-Bitty-Bladder
Syndrome). Well, it feels like that anyway.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yeah, in a sense, my routine has been reduced to intake of
one set of chemicals that are prescribed carefully and then processed and filtered into another set of chemicals we monitor so we can start that cycle all over
again.</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjie0EJsP6JwV6OLp591v4_yj9kSwhDbH5xPb3K_5AjTCXU9mM1iufNjOHa3CNv1tFc4PXIoubJ6IWn3sa5_SK67qUXGQmKWLbP5xVQ7PlhouSJXrH-x8L6F4n0zE0V-q2U2DnbjuDSF6k8/s1600/IMG_0035.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjie0EJsP6JwV6OLp591v4_yj9kSwhDbH5xPb3K_5AjTCXU9mM1iufNjOHa3CNv1tFc4PXIoubJ6IWn3sa5_SK67qUXGQmKWLbP5xVQ7PlhouSJXrH-x8L6F4n0zE0V-q2U2DnbjuDSF6k8/s320/IMG_0035.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How cool would that be? Adding to the fun, I have friends who ride Harleys for exactly this occasion. No, really!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">While I have a little self-deprecating fun with all this, I
know there’s a real art to this particular medical science. I’ve come across
professionals since starting this that wanted to see me because I was not
conforming to the mold. When I was diagnosed, I had 50% blast cells in my
marrow. I found out some time later, that should have soundly debilitated me, but I was
essentially ignorant to what was going on inside because I felt so good. A team
of curious white-coated doctors gathered around my bed wanting to see the guy
who felt so good in spite of the numbers. Even Wednesday, the
pharmaco-kinesthesiologist (if such a title exists) wanted to see me because my
system processed the chemo exactly according to his calculations. I think that’s
good, right? He was apparently elated…but he didn’t end up coming to see me.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You know, though, I really hope that these people who attend
me get super excited every time things work out; I want them to fist pump the
air and with unabashed enthusiasm; I want them to shout for joy when one of us is
feeling great and leaves the hospital for the last time because of what they
did; and I want them to go home with an ear-to-ear smile, knowing that they performed
one of those chemical miracles, that they saved not just one life, but a whole
group of people who look to those of us who, because of no clear reason, just
got awful damned sick. We…*I*…depend on people like that.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Do me a favor: go tell someone how much you appreciate what
they’ve done for you. Bonus points for doing something nice for someone who can’t
return the favor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well – so well that you never know what it’s like to be where
I’m sitting now.<br />
Stay strong – because there are those who need you; and<br />
Lots of love to all of you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="mso-effects-shadow-align: topleft; mso-effects-shadow-alpha: 40.0%; mso-effects-shadow-angledirection: 2700000; mso-effects-shadow-anglekx: 0; mso-effects-shadow-angleky: 0; mso-effects-shadow-color: black; mso-effects-shadow-dpidistance: 1.5pt; mso-effects-shadow-dpiradius: 3.0pt; mso-effects-shadow-pctsx: 100.0%; mso-effects-shadow-pctsy: 100.0%; mso-effects-shadow-themecolor: dark1; mso-style-textoutline-outlinestyle-align: center; mso-style-textoutline-outlinestyle-compound: simple; mso-style-textoutline-outlinestyle-dash: solid; mso-style-textoutline-outlinestyle-dpiwidth: 0pt; mso-style-textoutline-outlinestyle-join: round; mso-style-textoutline-outlinestyle-linecap: flat; mso-style-textoutline-outlinestyle-pctmiterlimit: 0%; mso-style-textoutline-type: none;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Music today … I had considered My Chemical
Romance’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Thank You for the Venom</i> for
the title alone, but the music doesn’t feel like it’s mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, we’re going with Chaka Khan’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Through the Fire<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/ymuWb8xtCsc?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-effects-shadow-align: topleft; mso-effects-shadow-alpha: 40.0%; mso-effects-shadow-angledirection: 2700000; mso-effects-shadow-anglekx: 0; mso-effects-shadow-angleky: 0; mso-effects-shadow-color: black; mso-effects-shadow-dpidistance: 1.5pt; mso-effects-shadow-dpiradius: 3.0pt; mso-effects-shadow-pctsx: 100.0%; mso-effects-shadow-pctsy: 100.0%; mso-effects-shadow-themecolor: dark1; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-style-textoutline-outlinestyle-align: center; mso-style-textoutline-outlinestyle-compound: simple; mso-style-textoutline-outlinestyle-dash: solid; mso-style-textoutline-outlinestyle-dpiwidth: 0pt; mso-style-textoutline-outlinestyle-join: round; mso-style-textoutline-outlinestyle-linecap: flat; mso-style-textoutline-outlinestyle-pctmiterlimit: 0%; mso-style-textoutline-type: none;">I look in your eyes and I can see<br />
We've loved so dangerously<br />
You're not trusting your heart to anyone<br />
You tell me you're gonna play it smart<br />
We're through before we start<br />
But I believe that we've only just begun<br />
<br />
When it's this good, there's no saying no<br />
I want you so, I'm ready to go<br />
<br />
CHORUS:<br />
Through the fire, to the limit, to the wall<br />
For a chance to be with you<br />
I'd gladly risk it all<br />
Through the fire<br />
Through whatever, come what may<br />
For a chance at loving you<br />
I'd take it all the way<br />
Right down to the wire<br />
Even through the fire<br />
<br />
I know you're afraid of what you feel<br />
You still need time to heal<br />
And I can help if you'll only let me try<br />
You touch me and something in me knew<br />
What I could have with you<br />
Now I'm not ready<br />
To kiss that dream goodbye<br />
<br />
When it's this sweet, there's no saying no<br />
I need you so, I'm ready to go<br />
<br />
CHORUS<br />
<br />
Through the test of time<br />
<br />
CHORUS<br />
<br />
To the wire, to the limit<br />
Through the fire, through whatever<br />
Through the fire, to the limit<br />
Through the fire, through whatever<br />
Through the fire, to the limit<br />
Through the fire, through whatever</span></i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-14985262629040595902013-08-15T14:54:00.003-06:002013-08-15T16:15:09.824-06:00Embrace the Suck<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Just when you think you have broken the code, they change
the rules! After five inpatient stays at the VA Hospital in Salt Lake City, I
thought I had things figured out. There are certainly parts of being
hospitalized that don’t change, but the level of things for the bone marrow
transplant here at the Seattle VA are ratcheted up a few notches with respect to keeping things über-sterile. I’m now well into the process of killing my immune system
off to make way for the new one, courtesy of “Hans,” my mystery
donor. This is Spring Cleaning taken to a whole new level!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBltRcMEJxNIbykYXbhDDVxxjAm_ziMUFSkQ-OBtkDAszIAlLKjl_B13J-9iN0N3D9OqYjUdgHxfmWtzrsLXI7G_VLDtw3U-GgBmG7b2hpvXpMlTSAVVyAMXl1DdWkryAVQUtkgn-4a3uU/s1600/Suck+Meter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBltRcMEJxNIbykYXbhDDVxxjAm_ziMUFSkQ-OBtkDAszIAlLKjl_B13J-9iN0N3D9OqYjUdgHxfmWtzrsLXI7G_VLDtw3U-GgBmG7b2hpvXpMlTSAVVyAMXl1DdWkryAVQUtkgn-4a3uU/s1600/Suck+Meter.jpg" /></a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And to take Spring <em>Fever</em> to a whole new level, I settled
into the new digs in the room at the end of the hall of the Bone Marrow
Transplant Unit (MTU).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has a lovely
view and I don’t even have to walk to the window to see where I’d really rather
be. My son and I had a quick intro to some rules of the road from the night
nurse and he was off…I was not. I’ll be here for 3-4 weeks while I get my chemo
and the life-saving transplant. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">With that in mind, I set out to start learning the new slate
of names of the medical and support staff that make up the MTU and to be sure,
I want them to remember me. In the time prior to being admitted, I found a
souvenir shop downtown Seattle with a metal sign that was intended for a bar
that read <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">name your poison</i>. Being one
to be literal when it suits me, I bought the sign, wrote <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Busulfan</i> on the sign, and hung it on my
door. Keeping things light!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a few
other smaller things for the upcoming days. I’m intent on keeping people
smiling so that when I feel lousy, they'll get me smiling again.</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsQxeh0b-em2V5NNUzXtRO4oLTupwm6I4PN2Lzrk7IWgr5QvEd6deg_0cz7bp6xAJuDe1R4_Chif1xpBkVb52hjRVYquRZx7Xw_pYJQcAePb5FnAn3Scieu1NjbOGOt1agwp9xizFsrX0f/s1600/IMG_0358%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsQxeh0b-em2V5NNUzXtRO4oLTupwm6I4PN2Lzrk7IWgr5QvEd6deg_0cz7bp6xAJuDe1R4_Chif1xpBkVb52hjRVYquRZx7Xw_pYJQcAePb5FnAn3Scieu1NjbOGOt1agwp9xizFsrX0f/s320/IMG_0358%5B1%5D.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">With my sign on the left and my new fancy dancing partner flashing her toxic chemical goodness for all to see. I'll bet you're *so* jealous! ;-)</td></tr>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Late in the day yesterday, I thought we might be getting
close to one of those points where I’d need a little help smiling. PICC lines
have been the point of infusion and blood draws for the past six months, the
most recent of which was installed about 2½ months ago. Sometimes, these catheters
migrate a little and can be difficult to draw blood from.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Such was the case yesterday, so after some
contortions to see if the we could get a blood return and half a dozen unsuccessful sticks
into my skin (peripherals), I ended up having to get a new line installed. While
it’s not as painful as a biopsy, neither is it painless. Essentially, a narrow
tube about 16” long is routed through a vein in my arm up to a junction just
above my heart near the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">superior vena
cava</i>. To get to a vein big enough to support that catheter, the nurse has
to use an ultrasound and get rather deep into my arm. It’s semi-surgical. I
stay awake for the whole thing and get a local injection of Lidocaine. When I
found out I’d be getting a new PICC line installed, I was less than happy. This
is actually my fifth. One of the nurses who had been trying (in vein?!) to draw blood
earlier was watching the procedure and was actually rather quick to offer me
something for pain. I’m tired of hurting, so I accepted. I actually have developed
a rather high threshold of pain, but after this long, I’m ready to adopt <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">better life through chemistry</i> as my
motto until this odyssey is over.<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"></span><br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSAFXNqxvCh9rSvM8mOd27Z8kXy0wqsgShEvN5IsaGfyAiSPJnNvDKOJ84m1qllVmVjup8cwpnDokre5mPfJ5wQb932XhqaM_YLboypqxnHAqs2FoFih982d2Myrb2uQovP8h910BR8QTA/s1600/PICC.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><img border="0" height="288" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSAFXNqxvCh9rSvM8mOd27Z8kXy0wqsgShEvN5IsaGfyAiSPJnNvDKOJ84m1qllVmVjup8cwpnDokre5mPfJ5wQb932XhqaM_YLboypqxnHAqs2FoFih982d2Myrb2uQovP8h910BR8QTA/s320/PICC.png" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is a PICC catheter going in and yes, that's me. The keyboard to your left goes to an ultrasound machine that helps the nurse/IV technician find the best vein. Inside the central line catheter, there is a little metallic piece that is picked up by the gray yoke/magnetometer on my chest so the exact location can be determined. After he positions the PICC, I get an X-Ray to confirm it is in the right place and they put a sterile dressing on the insertion sight. You can see the line going in my arm through a small incision.</td></tr>
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<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Thankfully, the pain passes in a day or so and I get back to
my normal jovial self. Even my favorite Brooklyn-born nurse told me I that I
looked good today. I’m feeling good…for now. I know everything could change on
a dime, so I’m doing what I can to enjoy the moment – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">carpe momentum!</i> – or something like that anyway. By the time the
late afternoon arrived, it was just the two nurses and me – from a pretty noisy
day to a quiet ward. Suffice it to say, with no other inpatients, the nurses
and I struck up a good conversation until sleep finally caught me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I don’t know if it was the pre-meds, nerves, or something I ate, but I was back to my old hospital habit of staring at the ceiling in the wee hours of the morning. L</span>ast night though, I was out cold. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I started chemo yesterday morning at 0-dark 15. It had to be
started with near military precision so that blood levels could be measured at
prescribed intervals. That tells the pharmacist how to adjust the dosage –
something called pharmacokinetics. Say that 3 times fast! Since it’s impossible
to reverse, I’m strapping in and holding on for the rough ride ahead. The transplant
itself is less than a week away…hard to imagine that in six days, I’ll begin
the process of coming alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So many
parallels could be drawn at this point, but I’ll hold back until I actually
have the new stem cells coursing through my veins.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Certainly, there will be much to think about as my body
starts succumbing to the toxic chemical goodness and I take a nose dive back
into frailty. There will be a lot as well to build up on the recovery side. I
took a tour of the all new Salt Lake City Public Safety Building just before I left
for Seattle and I saw the particular members of the structure that made it
capable of withstanding an earthquake. Much like that, I know that my own body
will resemble that in a way. It may appear similar on the outside, but perhaps
a bit different than I can conceive; and I know the rebuilding will be good as
well as necessary and it will belie the inner strength that comes from a visit
with death. You can’t <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i></b> be changed when you stare death
in the face, but neither should one be cavalier about it. The stakes are just
too high and they are permanent. It’s gonna hurt and it’s gonna suck, but the cost
of life doesn’t have a price tag. Time to embrace the pain; time to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">embrace the suck (see note below)</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsL0zgRa-QuUcBByhJ8oGiWwzd8FRxQUzQvUAZ16DO0F0wgo6v_wLcDlvm3pg4rDzZURfCWfVxf4iyJv0HLX5nJM4ml5Sn6ocFy6MoA4lW-GoWzejApwd_MHCqc1GJzWhm3SWtg-4ozs4g/s1600/keep-calm-and-embrace-the-suck.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsL0zgRa-QuUcBByhJ8oGiWwzd8FRxQUzQvUAZ16DO0F0wgo6v_wLcDlvm3pg4rDzZURfCWfVxf4iyJv0HLX5nJM4ml5Sn6ocFy6MoA4lW-GoWzejApwd_MHCqc1GJzWhm3SWtg-4ozs4g/s320/keep-calm-and-embrace-the-suck.png" width="274" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well, stay strong, and much love to you all!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Music for the day from the Goo Goo Dolls - <em>Better Days</em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><em>And you ask me what I want this year<br /> And I try to make this kind and clear<br /> Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days<br /> Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings<br /> And desire and love and empty things<br /> Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days<br /><br /> So take these words<br /> And sing out loud<br /> Cuz everyone is forgiven now<br /> Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again<br /><br /> And it's someplace simple where we could live<br /> And something only you can give<br /> And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive<br /> And the one poor child that saved this world<br /> And there's 10 million more who probably could<br /> If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them<br /><br /> So take these words<br /> And sing out loud<br /> Cuz everyone is forgiven now<br /> Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again<br /><br /> I wish everyone was loved tonight<br /> And somehow stop this endless fight<br /> Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days<br /><br /> So take these words<br /> And sing out loud<br /> Cuz everyone is forgiven now<br /> Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again<br /> Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again</em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="http://www.npr.org/2007/03/08/7458809/embrace-the-suck-and-more-military-speak" target="_blank">"Embrace the suck" is actually a military term meaning: the situation is bad, but deal with it.</a></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1935863796778960516.post-44029596902704562722013-08-12T22:08:00.000-06:002013-08-14T05:12:49.808-06:00Seriously?<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve had the great good fortune to be attended by world-class
doctors. My attending physician and the fellows during my stay at the VA
Hospital in Salt Lake City were affiliated with the <a href="http://www.huntsmancancer.org/" target="_blank">Huntsman Cancer Institute</a>
and I’m finding out the doctors here in Seattle are similarly affiliated with
another very well respected cancer hospital, the <a href="http://www.fhcrc.org/en.html" target="_blank">Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center</a>, or “the Hutch,” as I hear people call it. It turns out that the stem
cell transplant procedure was pioneered there and my attending physician is a
veritable rock star in the hem/onc world, often away on speaking tours. To say
I’m humbled to have this caliber of people in my court would obviously be an
understatement!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In larger-than-life people like this, you might expect to
come across a doctor with the stereotypical “god complex,” but I honestly
haven’t seen that. I only had one encounter with one who was a bit on the
insensitive side, but we sorted out our differences and as far as I could tell, all was well with the
world afterward. What I haven’t quite gotten used to,
though, is the matter of fact way some pretty ugly facts can be communicated.
Some involving the side effects of the treatment are really hard to process,
others leave me shaking my head thinking, “Seriously?” Yeah, I know they all
mean well and it’s all in a day’s work, but feelings sometimes get ignored when
the greater issue is saving the life. In the grand scheme of things, that makes
sense, but the flip side of that coin is that feelings really have to be taken
into consideration, precisely when you’re talking about saving a life…it’s the
life which is at stake.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">That may sound obvious, but the heavy conversations with
doctors can make me feel like I'm missing the forest for the trees, so to
speak. It’s so easy to focus on a detail and zone out while the rest of the
paragraph the doctor is speaking just flies over my head. That’s the best
reason I can think of to have at least one other person with you as you are
working through one of those difficult conversations. It made a world of
difference when I got my diagnosis as I just wasn’t able to process the whole
picture, let alone formulate questions. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It has been interesting <em>and challenging </em>as doctors have attempted to
communicate next steps and side effects to me. The more sensitive issues I’ve
tried to bandy about with some humor to make the message a little less
difficult or awkward, sometimes to the dismay of the one trying to impart said
message, but…I am, without a doubt, the eternal class clown underneath my staid
exterior. Recently, a friend of mine welcomed me home
from the hospital after a round of chemo and told me in the same breath that he
was now a member of the cancer survivor club. He can be a cut-up like me, but his
doctors were far less amused by his repartée than my doctors have been with
mine…he just needs more practice, clearly. While my doctors learn quickly that while
I do pay close attention to everything they say, I will be quick with a pun, a
double entendre, or a word play to keep things a little less dour. After all, you gotta keep it just a little on the light side when you’re talking about dark topics. Even checking in, I'm quoting Monty Python lines … <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I'm getting better. I think I'll go for a walk. I feel happy!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And then there are topics that you just have to learn to
take in stride because it’s all part of the game that is cancer, like all
the really interesting changes that happen to your body. One of my first
hem/onc doctors very sweetly put her hand on my shoulder and said, “You know,
you will lose your hair.” True to form, I retorted, “I know, I saw the movie.”
About three months later as I saw my hair returning, I saw her in the hallway
and told her with great delight about this discovery. She got me back from the
first time. “Well, you know,” she said, “you’ll lose it again.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Touché, madame doctor! Well played.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">During a conversation with one of the docs last week, he
casually said to me, “You know, it’s a good thing that when you get to be your
age; body image is far less an issue than with younger guys.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Seriously? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My </i>age? Doesn’t he
realize I’m the youngest guy in the ward? I know, I know, that means diddly! I’m
50 freakin’ years old. That <em>is </em>my<em> </em>age.
Now, this doc probably isn’t too much older than I am, but surely, he must have
had some of the emotional struggles as the gray starts encroaching in on
previously uncharted territory and the skin is a little less taught, not to
mention all the other lovely physical changes that are part and parcel to
aging. But let’s not forget that recently recovered hairline is about to recede
all the way off again and we can probably add a little puffiness from the
steroids to stave off the GVH...oh and damn, thanks to the chemo weakening so many things all over my aging bod, I broke yet another nail! Sorry, doc…body image is a big deal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can only imagine how women going through this
feel. When I lost my hair during the first round of chemo, some nice people
said I looked rather academic and my brother even shaved his head as a gesture
of solidarity, but… *sigh* there’s no getting around the body image issue. It’s
just as hard for us middle-aged folk as it is for the young guys.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm_Wx5jXdRJIi0RxjRl_VmGoPai8xxy9FGISXfhsQhA3Mp-2ZXvJXOBwxFhi92h88Ac14x51Z59CwIfeGhWvYKQwcx0mr8OoaMcJ0mMtrpoQ972W8eSHcAZBYgw-hlKQWiDlz5AV2GmIX7/s1600/Fear+is+Not+Real.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm_Wx5jXdRJIi0RxjRl_VmGoPai8xxy9FGISXfhsQhA3Mp-2ZXvJXOBwxFhi92h88Ac14x51Z59CwIfeGhWvYKQwcx0mr8OoaMcJ0mMtrpoQ972W8eSHcAZBYgw-hlKQWiDlz5AV2GmIX7/s320/Fear+is+Not+Real.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And making this even more fun, I got a call from the MTU pharmacy at the VA Hospital here in Seattle this afternoon as I was on my way out, asking me what color the lumens of my PICC line were. That was an entertaining discussion of course, but it was outdone by the next call from one of the nurses at the MTU at the VA Hospital asking the same question. Then, of course, I got the fun news that I would be admitted tomorrow night for pre-meds instead of Wednesday morning. Oh, let the fun begin a bit early, shall we?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Seriously, I go to bed tonight with a lot of trepidation. I know it's gonna suck and there's no turning back. I can kid around and make a lot of jokes about it, but in the end, it's a scary proposition. I've received a lot of rather long, well thought-out and heartfelt e-mails and well wishes in the past 48 hours which tells me that there are a lot of people sending their prayers, best thoughts, and love my way. Over the next few weeks, I'll need all the available "close air support" you can muster.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be well, stay very strong for me, and mucho màs love to you all.<br />
<br />
Music for the day from Incubus - <em>Drive</em><br />
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<br />
<em>Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear<br /> And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear<br /> Take the wheel and steer<br /> It's driven me before<br /> And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal<br /> But lately I'm beginning to find that I<br /> Should be the one behind the wheel<br /><br /> Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there<br /> With open arms and open eyes yeah<br /><br /> Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there<br /> I'll be there<br /><br /> So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive<br /> Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?<br /> It's driven me before<br /> And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around<br /> But lately I'm beginning to find that<br /> When I drive myself my light is found<br /><br /> Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there<br /> With open arms and open eyes yeah<br /><br /> Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there<br /> I'll be there<br /><br /> Would you choose water over wine<br /> Hold the wheel and drive<br /><br /> Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there<br /> With open arms and open eyes yeah<br /><br /> Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there<br /> I'll be there</em></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09914667944851181928noreply@blogger.com0